I want 2 hear a good joke tell me one.?

Question

it's not a question but o well

Answer 1

Ok you tell someone they're getting in shape but they are really fat and then say isn't round a shape

Answer 2

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
true story.

Recently a routine police patrol park! ed outs ide a bar in Ripley, West
Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on & off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his
amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. "I doubt it, " said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Answer 3

Ralph The Rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that
he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lo t of money.
"Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."


Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,



"Shhhh! They're getting closer

Answer 4

A man walks up to a woman and says "I have $500.00, i bet if I drop it to the ground I can have my way with you before you cant pick it up" The woman repeats the offer to the man word for word and he confirms it. Still a little unsure about it, she calls up her girl friend, tell her about the offer and asks what she thinks. The girlfriend states, "Girl, go for it. Once he drops it all you have to do is pick up the money and it'll be over before he can't unbutton his pants." The woman hangs up with her friend and turns to the man and accepts his challenge.

30 mins later, the friend receives a call from the woman and she asked, "well, how did it go?' The woman says (out of breath) , "Girl, That S. O. B. had $500 dollars in quarters!!!"

hope it made you laugh and didn't offend you if so I applogize

Answer 5

A blonde walks into the store and asks teh clerk can I but this TV?

The clerk says no we dont sell to blondes.

The Blonde goes home and dyesher hair brown, maybe he wont remember me. A few days latter she goes back in and asks to buy the same TV.

The clerk says no we dont sell to blondes.

A few weeks pass she puts on a wig baggy clothes and dark makeup, maybe he wont rember me this way. She goes back in and asks again can I by this TV.

This time the clerk says no because it is a microwave.

Answer 6

Soccer Sucks

Answer 7

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Answer 8

i have some for you:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As
he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
--------------------------------
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing!"
*****************
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.
The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris, he
went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No,
come on in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you
have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you
a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks
about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a
hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and
shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a
hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are
just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give
you another hundred if I could just see them both
together."

Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a
nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred
bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for
Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know,
your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this
for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks
he owes me?"
********************************
i`m the best .... choose me as the best one

Answer 9

this is a riddle and it's funny.
A man went to buy ice cream and when he was going to pay he didn't have enought. He ran back home a had to run an extra half mile. Why did he?

He was buying ice cream from an ice cream truck

Answer 10

A young Muslim couple get married and on their wedding night they are in the bridal suite.
The new bride is in the bed when groom starts to undress.Off comes the coat,off comes the tie,off comes the shirt,off comes the singlet,off comes the shoes,off comes the socks,off comes the trousers,off come the longjohns until he is left standing there in his briefs.
All of a sudden the new bride says "I've never done this before".
The groom starts to get dressed.On come the longjohns,on comes the singlet,on comes the shirt,on comes the trousers,on comes the socks,on comes the shoes,on comes the tie and on comes the coat.
The groom turns round to his bride and says "I'll be back soon."
The groom walks down the road to the nearest public phone and rings home.His father answers the phone.
The father says "what is it son"?
The groom says "Dad she's never done it before".
The father immediately says to the groom "PACK YOUR BAGS AND COME ON HOME SON IF SHE WAS'NT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER FAMILY THEN SHE AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR OURS"!


Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my ****!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: " *** ES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

Answer 11

Why does George Bush have a brain the size of a pea?
















Because it grows overnight!