Is this marriage even worth saving?

Question

I'm 33 he's 32 we're married with 2 kids .separated 3 times ...last 2 times while separated he slept wit my sis. now we're 2gether again and I'm already not feeling good about this.. our personalities are clashing, sex life sucks he's 100lbs overweight been promising to lose weight forever. I'm the same shape as when he met me 15 years ago just 12lbs more from 110 to 122lbs so I may be being a little harsh cuz I dont have to work at it. I miss my ex boyfriend that I was seeing b4 hubby came back and we decided 2 try again I hurt him badly ....hubby seems 2 adore me and becuz of that i feel like crap for feeling this way, we are going to counseling next week...I wonder if a counselor has ever told a couple to get a divorce? it might be us... I dont want to be a person staying married for the kids but I'd hate to break their hearts again...I am a christian and trying to live right is soo hard? Any advice? ...complete honesty is welcomed say what you really think no sugar coating please

Answer 1

Living right has nothing to do with christianity. Maybe its about time you forgot about trying to keep your church and husband happy and looked after yourself.

I would never have forgiven him for sleeping with your sister, thats disgraceful.

You don't owe him love or devotion just because he seems to adore you now, thats ridiculous. If you arent feeling it, then give counselling a try, but counselling is not going to make you love him, give it a try but I think you are being too conscious of the social and cultural negativity towards divorce. I'm trying to figure out why you left the boyfriend.

You don't stay married for the kids, why would you want to bring them up in a loveless household?

Answer 2

Most of the time, people only get about three chances. It is possible to work things out, if you work hard at it, but if you feel like you are missing the boyfriend you were seeing while separated, then it is obvious that you are unhappy. If I were married to a man who slept with my sister, there is no way in hell I would EVER take him back, even if I had children. The children should be the most important aspect of the relationship at this point, you do not want them to grow up and be cheaters too, you may have to teach them the keys to healthy relationships and let them know that what you and their dad did with other people was wrong. Besides the children would be better off without him in their life on a daily basis. I am sure if the relationship ended in divorce it would be a healthy decision, rather than allowing the children to see the two of you fight. I would get rid of him and your sister too because the two of them surely do not have any Christian values. Sometimes it just happens that way, but staying there for the kids is the worst thing you could do at this point, kids are smarter than most think and I am sure, no matter what their ages are they have a pretty good idea of what is going on at home. Good luck

Answer 3

OK, here goes, no sugar coating. You have tried several times to stay with this man, and the question is WHY? If you were separated more than a couple of times and you've tried everything possible to keep a decent marriage, what will it take to make you see it's not worth it. The only excepted reason for divorce is adultery in the Bible, so if this wasn't done before the first break up then try to go to counseling & see if there's any thing to save at this point. The fact that both of you keep trying there might be something left to strive for in the relationship. Then again your husband may not be able to except your indiscresion with the other guy and things could get worse.

Answer 4

You claim to be christian and you have commited adultery yourself...so please spare the judgement toward your husband's cheating, since you have also done your part. With that said, then let's concentrate on the solution.

Counseling will help you improve your relationship and your communication skills, obne session will not help as you both have to be commited into making this work,

However, I see that you are not in love with your husband and that his weight problem is a big issue. You simply feel off love, you are not attracted to him anymore and your $ex life is unexistent....obviuosly you are not happy,.... so why staying?

You cannot have it both ways honey, you cannot keep the house, the car, and your married status and have a lover on the side to satisfy your emotional and physical needs. This is hipocresy, adultery and you cannot claim to be a christian and then sinning left and right and thinking that is allright just because you husband is overweight and you are infatuated with another... does that make it right? sinning and praying make it even? I don't think so.

So you either get a divorce and be emotionally and legally able to date other man, or make your marriage work. You cannot justify your own wrong doing by his. So he was wrong, you are wrong too, now make it work or split already!!!!

You are hurting your children with your bad example. Your kids learn from their parents and if you think that you are providing a healthy enviroment you are wrong.

If you don't feel good about getting back together is beacuse you already have a taste of how it feels to have someone new on the sac. You will exagerate your husband's flaws and try to justify your own, you will also glorify yourself and your qualities.... so if you know that you deserve better then divorce once an for all and stop dragging this any further.

Good luck

Answer 5

You sound miserable. YOu have to set your husband down and put him on a "get well" program for weight, compatibility etc. PArt of that program is to attend counseling. YOu shouldn't have to live this way.

You are chiristian and you can't be a christian when it's convienent. You have to be a christian and do the "hard right". Leaving your husband because he's "jabba the gut". You also can't leave him because he slept with your sister (so Jerry Springer) while separated. Especially since you were sleeping around. It doesn't say much for your sister (is she that hard up).

You should try the get well program and put your whole heart into it. Starve him, excercise him and don't engage in arguments. If he really does love you and you really want to make it work then you'll find a way to get to your desired "end-state".

Check out the following website. It deals with making a plan for life and how to implement that plan. It can also anser many of your questions better than I can. It wil also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche.

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good luck

Answer 6

Marriage is work and fighting is a sign of a HEALTHY marriage. After a few years rough spots begin to emerge and it is a good thing. You guys should start working on smoothing these spots. If you just started fighting, then work on these issues and see in a few weeks if you can actually reach an agreement. Sex and money (shopping = spending) are the first things that come up. Later you will hit something else. The key is is to work things out rather than sweeping them under the rug. If you don't, the issues will accumulate and one of us (or both of you) will start punishing each other for not getting your way - this is the road to nowhere. It is like a snowball. Fighting is not a problem in itself if done in a healthy way. Not resolving issue for a long time is another story. Rough spots will always be there - you will have to work them out no matter who you are married to, even the most kind and gentle souls have them.

Answer 7

To answer the question about the counselor giving advice about divorce, when me and my husband were going through some really hard times, our "counselor" told my husband that he could stay with me and be unhappy or leave me and live the happy life. Note: This counselor was not a christian. I think that when you are dealing with issues like you have it is VERY important to seek out Godly advice. I learned this from experience. This counselor we saw had the attitude like "when the going gets tough try something else"

Long story short we decided to stay together and work things out. The most important part is that you need to truly seek God and ask him what He wants in your marriage. Living right is really hard and living in a Godly marriage is even harder for the people in the world to see.

I would suggest that you make excerise like a family thing, maybe he needs some encouragement from his wife about his weight, and maybe he needs a work out buddy, if not you then someone of his friends.

About the sex, have you ever told him that it sucks or that the weight is an issue? I think we just except our mates to not realize that we are happy when they truly can't read our minds. To let him in on your feelings about sex and about how it's not good.

Sometimes the devil throws up past relationships to our mind to make us doubt our love for our mate or the love of our relationship. Remember the devil is the author of confusion and only wants your marriage to end in divorce b/c he knows that you two want a loving christian marriage, but i think you both need to seek God's will in your marriage.

I hope i've helped and i'm praying for ya!!! Have a good day.

Answer 8

if you still have feelings for him then there is hope. you have shared so much already and this means you still have a chance. let him know how much he has hurt you but in a calm way,

your faith may help but it should not be your prop or sole reason. the counseling may say you are better out but only if you both say that is what you want. do not be afraid of being honest, unless you are both honest with each other then things cannot get better. talk through all the good things you did together and as a family, thinking about the sahred nice things wiill make a big differences, do no concentrate on just the bad side as that will destroy you. identify the big problems and deal with them in that order, do not try and put everything right in one week, it will take time but it wil come good

Answer 9

Yes it is worth saving!!!! I think that you are trying to convince your self that it is all of your husbands fault for the problems that the two of you are having!
Do you know for a fact that he had slept with your sister? You seem to be putting all of the blame on him, insulting him, and building your self up to the sky! It takes two to screw up a relationship! If he loves and adores you the way that you are saying that he does, and if you have only gained 12lbs then why would he want to sleep with your sister?!!!!! Marriage is a life long commitment! Before you married him, you should have sat your self down and thought about it first! Because it is not a game that you can play! You have not only been hurting your children, you have been also hurting him and your self in the process!!!! You are not a young cookie any more!
Your children need their father & he needs them! The best advice that I can give you is that you should start thinking responcibly, and stop being selfish! Their are other lives involved in this situation, NOT ONLY YOURS!!!!

Answer 10

I'm going threw about the same thing atm. I say give the counleling a try if you truely want to save your marraige. But the best way to make your kids happy is to be happy and keep a good relationship going with him even if you decide to go for a divorce. Kids can be happy after a divorce as long as both parents still take the time to be with them and are civil to eachother. No name calling around the kids ,no trying to make them pick sides. But if you're just doing it for the kids you might want to rethink your marraige. Eventualy one of you will get unhppy and you will seperate again. The seperation isn't what's hurting your kids it's the yoyo going on. here's daddy, no there he goes. Nope he's back again oh wait there he goes again. It's confuseing and devistating to keep having to live threw that. Make a decision, stick to it. You might want to get the kids some counseling while your at it.