I feel very alone and need my husband to be there for me. How can I reach him to understand I need him?

Question

Since the birth of our child, increased spotlight has been shone on emotions and our relationship. Seems all too often lately that I am feeling alone at sea in our marriage. Many issues I sought to share with my husband to understand my view point has brought the response: I don't understand you.

One case the regularity of visits to/fro his parents. He tells me in the future when our child is bigger they'll both go as often as they like to visit his parents and I can just deal with that. No middle ground sought

Another worrying issue is my self employment is in jeopardy since being a mum. Business loan finance needed for early days has left more debt than working capital + I just can't keep up the tough earning money pace for time. My husband says I created the debt so I must deal with it, but I pointed out the reason I can't keep up is because of our child. So it is a joint responsibility which could go on the mortgage

I need to reach him that we are a team, but how?

I have tried talking things over several times but feels on to deaf ears. My troubles seem more acute because I feel I need to deal with them myself

Answer 1

You have to sit him down and let him know how hurting you feel,in a marriage you work as a team,if he doesnt co oparate then it shows he is not a husband matirial you married the wrong guy,and the issue with your child he must tell you were and when they'll be back ,it's not his child alone,it's both your responsibility to pay all your accounts togehter,try and make him undersatand your position and emotions,because you can't live like this this is not an enviroment where a child should grow.fix the problem fast before it gets out of hand.Good Luck.

Answer 2

read "why men lie and women cry" by Allan & Barbara Pease. This book is all about the different ways in which men and women communicate, and the misunderstandings created by the genders within communication.

i know you've said that you have tried discussing this with your H, but sometimes a different approach to how we are saying things really helps.

this book is really funny, and not patronising, so it would also be good if your H could read it too.

direct talking with your H is what is needed. You have to be strong and confident with what you are saying to your H, and this book will help you understand how to do that effectively. you are right when you say that the money issue is a joint responsibilty, and any point out to him that any bad credit on your name could affect his ratings too.

my H and i have recently been through a very tough time, and even split for a while, but working on our own communication skills has really helped strengthen us and made us more aware of how each other is feeling.

good luck

Answer 3

I had the same problem when I had my first child, it really changes your life and your marriage, every time I would say something to my husband he told me this is what I wanted. Which it was and I would not have changed it for the world, but until he had to set at home with her and take care of her while I had to do some work outside of the home he didn't understand. The main key to our situation was communication, and it does take a while for some men to understand. Hang in there it does get better.
Far as the parents, was there to and I felt I was being told I was going to let my child do this and I was going to have to deal with it, but I've found don't worry about that now, my daughter is 3 and she goes every now and then, but not as big as an issue as I fretted over. Tell your husband if he wants you to work he needs to watch your child and let you work just like you were working out of the home.

Answer 4

Is he worried about something in his life, are you pushing him out for your baby, is he tired and grumpy because of sleepless nights from the baby, have you asked him if he feels he has lost you since the baby came along, maybe he feels he would like the woman back that he married but knows he can't have that again because now their are three in your relationship, some men feel a bit left out of it when a baby comes along and that they have lost their partner, is it possible that you can have your mam or his mam look after the baby this weekend or next so you can both have some quality time together to talk about how each other is feeling and what can be done to sort the situation out, I think it could help you both, good luck and hope your back to been on the right footing again soon.

Answer 5

i dont think ur husband understands that what u have listed above are a big deal to u. find some time when u can talk to him without interupption and tell himhow u exactly feel without mincing words. he has to understand that u r a team. be firm and tell him he's not being there for u when he really should. and u guys are a family so if he goes his parents, he has to take u along u too and treat u with due respect and consideration and not as a some sort of household help as he seems to be doing. tell him all ur pent up feelings and vent out ur frustraton in a calm but serious manner. do not let things lie.

Answer 6

Well, you have already tried talking to him several times about this. So talking about it with him is not going to work. Your only other option is conseling. You are going to have to find a way to get him to go there. As for the child and him going to his parents. When he says that let him know that you are going to do the same thing and that he will have no say in it either. jIf he refuses to go to counseling start treating him the same way he treats you, maybe that will open his eyes. I am sorry to say it but it sounds like your marriage is falling apart. Is he cheating on you? There has to be some reason why he no longer cares to make it a team effort. Are you paying to much attention to the child and not enough on him? He might be angry about that and this is his way of lashing out. Good luck!

Answer 7

Talk to him. Commuinication is key. If you are feeling alone, tell him. Don't expect him to read your mind and fix the problems he doesn't even realize.

Read the book "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. Best debt-free book EVER. Seriously get it. It will get out of debt and on the right track.

Your husband's reaction to debt is a sad one. You are a team, like you said. It's his problem too.

Once against communication is key. Act as adults and communicate. MAKE him pay attention to what you are doing. Ask to actively listen.

Another book to try to Gary Chapman's book on the Five Love Languages. It's a great key to any marriage.

Answer 8

Keep cool and keep talking. And do more things together as a family - cheap things.
Don't put all your eggs on one basket - keep your friends on hand. Let him know he can take his child to see his parents, as he's probably feeling insecure about parenthood (universal male trait), and remember that your relationship with your child is the strongest thing in the world (no matter how rocky the sea gets).
Finance is not my area, sorry.
Lastly, keep potentially volatile discussions away from children.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

You may find your pleas falling on deaf ears i to had the same kind of situation with my husband who left me 3 weeks ago.
No matter how many times i asked him to try and see things my way he chose to ignore me,i found that he was just basically not ready to be a father and a husband he just wanted to have everything his way.
So all i can say is i really do hope you have better luck than i did and maybe seek professional help because i wish i had.