I am the wife of the cheater....?

Question

I have recently found the questions & answers my husband has been sending. I would like to say thanks for the positive comments. I love him with all my heart. I am having trouble finding myself. I feel lost. Destroyed. My heart is heavy. I do not know how to move past his indiscrection if I cannot find my way back to myself. Someone please tell me that I will recover. That I will return to my usual self in the future. It is unbearable.

Answer 1

Give yourself some credit. Enough credit to realize that he's taking "the lost" not you. These types of unexpected events in relationships can be unbearable, but they are not permanent. You will recover,................... you will! And when you do, you will be stronger, more mature, and better able to recognize the symptoms of infidelity before they happen.

It's really natural that you feel the way you do. In order for you to regroup, you must focus on YOU. Push yourself, with the greatest determination, with the same love for yourself that you offered him, That you will not fall!

p.s. Do this by yourself, having him to help pick you up will just keep you weak. When you feel capable (you will know), decide on how "you" want to handle your marriage. Good Luck!

Answer 2

First of all my heart goes out to you. What a terrible thing when a spouse cheats. I, share your pain because it has happened to me as well. Most people have no idea what you are going through. Cheating has become a favorite sport for many people who are supposed to committed. What a shame!

You give your trust, love and devotion to the one that you think really cares about you. Then...Powww! The adultery bomb. To hell with homewreckers.

Now that you know the deal, the ball is in your court and you are in control. From here, you decide what will become of your broken marriage. Your options are not that good, actually. If you keep the bum, then you run the risk of it happening again or worst, he'll continue his escapades with newer, better lies and more sneakiness.

The way I see it, you can either both work hard to build a newer more honest relationship or you can just check out of the marriage and start all over again. None of those options will be easy but you must do one or the other. Just remember that the choice is yours. Do not let the "cheater" sway your options at all. Like it or not, this is a whole new ballgame for you.

Choose well sweetheart! Heal yourself and get what you want out of life.

Answer 3

The same thing happened to me. Wow, what a shock huh?
I'm so sorry!
It's been aprox. a year and 3 or so months since I found out and I also love him with all my heart. It's so weird hey? Whatever, we are trying to work it out still, not every day or anything, just when something comes up. I think that it will always come to mind when some stupid thing comes up. And I think that will be the hardest part.
But as for your question... Yes I believe that you will return to your usual self, you just need to forgive, not 100% forget, and be ok with yourself. I don't know if I can type this right... You have to be ok with all of this... You have to be strong with your self ... You have to 110% forgive him that it happened... and forgive yourself that it happened!!!
But the #1 thing is, is that you can not put this all behind you and move on if he is not willing to be honest, trustworthy and loving in everything he does.
I can't believe how hard this is and I feel for you so much I could cry. Be strong, And just try your hardest to be happy. Happiness is contagious so try your hardest and maybe it will just take over!!
All the best!!!!!!

Answer 4

you will recover if you want to. Healing takes time. the deeper the wound the longer it takes. Try to make time for yourself to get back in touch with you were separate from him. sooner or later you'll have to make a decision if you'd be better off moving forward without him. when you find yourself turning into someone you don't want to be, jealous, suspicious, a wounded victim with low self esteem you'll find the courage and support to move ahead with your life. Don't let him or his stupidity ever hurt you again. If he's got commitment issues break away. His poison will enter you if you continue to turn the other cheek. you can forgive but don't forget. The pain his behavior has caused you is an indicator light trying to warn you, that he doesn't really care about you at least not to the degree you both need & deserve. You'll make it. His ignorance is not your fault . Growing pains are never any fun , regardless of age. best wishes!

Answer 5

You're experiencing grief; a loss of something precious to you (trust, security, etc.? take your pick. You've lost something precious that you may never fully get back.) Grief comes in stages. First, denial. Then bargaining, then anger, etc. Finally comes acceptance and healing. All the way through it comes pain. You can get "trapped" in grief anywhere along the way. Just recognize that to heal, you must move through it.
The biggest hit has come to your sense of self-esteem; your sense of worth as a person, and as a woman. He can't give that back to you. Only you can. True self-esteem comes from true accomplishments. You're going to have to find something in your life you do, and do very well. Something (or some things) that make you feel valuable, both as a person and as a woman. Find them, and do them well.
Physical exercise right now is critical. It will burn off a lot of the chemicals that your emotions are pouring into your body. This alone will help you think more clearly. Increased blood flow works miracles. Increased muscle tone, etc. will give you energy to fight depression. The exercise will give you something to "do". As your body tones and strengthens, you'll feel better physically, which can do wonders in helping the mind and heart feel better too. (It will also boost your self esteem by leaps and bounds as you find your body more athletic, more capable, and much more attractive).
If you feel inadequate sexually.... knowledge is power. Get books. Study them. Learn. (It doesn't mean you'll "reward" him with this knowledge. It's yours, not his. Whether or not you choose to share this ability doesn't detract from the fact that you know you have it.)
If you feel inadequate mentally... knowledge is power. Get books. Study them. LEARN. Gain new skills; new abilities.
If you feel inadequate emotionally... knowledge is power. Try new things. Find new pursuits; accomplish something you never knew you could. Breaking new ground will boost self esteem when you conquer.

Answer 6

The world will be different for you now, but it will improve and be better - over time. LOTS of time...think of as a loss, like losing a friend. Don't give up though, get some counseling so you can vent and cry and work through it. Then, AFTER that, go to counseling with your husband. You can survive this if you both try your hardest to do so. I didn't read his questions, but if he is remorseful, that's a good place to start. Hang in there - there is hope for finding yourself again. The darkest time will be followed by good times - slowly but surely.

Answer 7

I am so sorry and feel your pain.
I was married for 15yrs to a man I loved and trusted with all my heart. Towards the mid part of the marriage he became more and more verbally abusive. And would accuse me of cheating(which I never did) The last year of our marriage was hell. He had changed and wouldn't open up to me. He finally announced he was leaving me for someone else. Someone he'd been seeing for a year. My world came to a crashing halt. I contemplated suicide...and then couldn't go through with it. My world reeled for about 6 months. But with the compassionate strength of a few close friends, I got through. On a day by day basis. But in those 6 months I found out several things. My ex had not only cheated once, but several times over several years. He had constantly lied and cheated. He also was doing major drugs and emptying our savings.(Yeah, I was blind) I can only speak from experience sweetie, but how can you ever trust him again? If you're thinking of staying, I'd advise major counseling for you both. But my heart says...go. Leave. rebuild your heart, soul and life for better times and a more trustworthy man. Trust is a huge issue here. Can you forgive and go on? I couldn't. But 4yrs divorced now I can honestly say I am SO much happier without all the lies and distrust. I wish you well in your journey. Bottom line: Protect and be good to yourself

Answer 8

YES, you will recover. It takes time and it's very hard, but hang in there-time will eventually heal your heart. Counseling's a good idea, too- if u can afford it, talking to someone helps a lot, even if it's a stranger.Also,keeping a daily journal and talking to and spending time with the people close to me(for instance, people that I work with) is how I got through my situation.And don't take your husband back!You're just setting yourself up for more pain, trust me on this one, I've been there! Keep your sanity, stick to your guns, and don't be afraid to cry if u have too!! And u'll be just fine.My very best wishes go out to you, take care.

Answer 9

If u have children, then sit together & see how u can work this out without involving them. it's not easy to forgive a cheater & it's almost un-doable, so do u still love him? If u do then u must go to counselling if he's willing to make it up to u, but if he's a big time cheater then u need to separate & find time for u, to fall in love with your beautiful faithful self, instead of wasting your emotions & tears over him. It's a long difficult road, but it's in your hands to turn it to your advantage. Good luck.

Answer 10

you will never return to you usual self and so you should expect to..you will be sorely disappointed. As painful as it may be...you will chalk this up to experience and deal with it day by day. You will go through similar steps that someone who is grieving does. Is this it for you two? If it is, you will grieve the loss of the relationship and the trust. If there is a chance at saving it and going through counseling together you will still grieve lost trust, but will have to work to repair that (with him or without him). But, like people who lost someone to death you will heal your wounds and start to live again. the universe is unfolding as it should.