I wrote an essay and would like to know any improvments i could make on it?(its not finished)?

Question

Oil has become an important part of the modern life. That’s why I chose to do my summer assignment on oil. I encountered my summer assignment topic, and found that there has been a conflict in the Nigerian Delta over oil. This conflict has been caused Ijaws and other tribes fighting “with each other and the federal government.” (_____________________) I chose this as my project because this conflict has not been in the news often like other conflicts such as the conflict with Israel, Lebanon, Iraq, North Korea, and Columbia. This conflict doesn’t seem to bring the media’s attention, but I think the United States should keep a closer eye on Nigeria since it is “America’s fifth largest supplier.”(____________) I chose this project to learn more on this conflict since oil is an important resource in America and through my research felt angered at the Nigerian government for their actions toward the people of Nigeria.
Nigeria is in danger of being corrupt. When oil is discovered in a country that is “poor, (and) fighting over scraps,” we would think it would be the end of poverty, but not so with Nigeria. Nigeria “pulls in $14 billion a year in oil revenue.” I blame the Nigerian government for not putting an end to poverty. Nigeria’s new wealth has been taken by “politicians, in particular by the country’s military, brought to power in the country’s late 1960s civil war,” who have been robbing the country’s finance ever since. There is no reason that the people of Nigeria should be poor, because the oil has been found on their land and belongs to the people of Nigeria.
The Ijaws used to be a “easygoing minority tribes, earning their living with other tribes by fishing in canoes harbored in the board delta of the Nigerian River,” but that was forty years ago. Most of the country’s production comes from the Nigerian Delta which is now causing violent outbursts. The Ijaws are now destroying pipelines, setting fire to pipelines, protesting, selling oil they steal from pipelines and even kidnapping people. The country is in total chaos. Crime and Violence has caused a “20 percent drop in Nigeria’s oil production” which meant “a shortfall of 455,000 barrels daily.” They have even stepped up their attacks on foreign oil. Even Shell announced an evacuation in February of 2006 to evacuate “an oil platform off its Atlantic coast as a precaution, shutting an additional 115,000 barrels a day.” In January, “militants held four men- from the United States, Britain, Bulgaria, and Honduras for 19 days before releasing them unharmed.” Tribes like the Ijaws, that were once peaceful are now armed and have been fighting for years claiming to be fighting “for better distribution of the country’s wealth.” I was shocked when I found out that even militants who claim to be fighting and representing the people of Nigeria have actually “evolved into criminal gangs, adept at stealing huge amounts of oil to sell on black markets, the proceeds of which are used to buy ever more sophisticated weapons.”
Even though the United States is not involved in the conflict, this conflict does affect the United States. Nigeria is the fifth largest supplier of oil “to the United States, after Mexico, Venezuela, Canada, and Saudi Arabia.” Almost half of Nigeria’s oil is sent to the United States. Nigerian oil is prized by refiners because “it is of a light, sweet variety that is easier and cheaper to refine that the thicker and sulfur-rich kind that comes from the Middle East and Venezuela.” Nigeria determines the price of oil in the United States. The United should keep a closer eye on Nigeria if they want to oil prices in America to go down. Nigeria has played an important role Africa and “is crucial to all of West Africa, having provided the military troops and negotiating forums to quell civil war and related violence in neighboring countries. “ Nigeria has also helped on fighting terrorism by trying to “monitor and defuse an encroaching fundamentalism among its own Muslims.” Several American companies haves stakes in Nigeria such as “Mobil, Chevron Texaco and Halliburton.” In my opinion the United States is not doing anything to stop oil from rising. I believe the United States should be more involved with the conflict in Nigeria.

Answer 1

First of all, you should start by saying something like,"Since oil is an important part of modern life, I chose to research oil for my summer project. Also take out the part where you say you "encountered your summer project." Just say I found...,instead. Also I think I chose this as my project due to..., sounds better than I chose this because...etc

Instead of saying that I chose this project because I wanted..., you should say I wanted to learn more on this conflict since oil is...etc

What's up with all this quote marks? Are they to symbolize people's quotes that you put into the essay? If so, then how come there is no boxes left open to later fill in the source of the quotes.

I also think that your essay could use a better ending. The ending could sound something like,"Futhermore, the United States should be more involved with the conflict in Nigeria because.... (for you to fill in).

Hope I was of some assistance with proofreading your essay. I hope it gets a good grade. (Maybe you could send a copy to someone of importance if you feel like this is truly a problem that could use more media attention or at just more attention.)

Answer 2

Never use the phrase "I chose this topic..." or anything like that in an essay. It sounds very amateurish. You also shouldn't use opinionated language in an essay of this subject such as "I blame..." or "In my opinion...", even if it is an opinion essay. Basically, avoid first person pronouns like "my" and "I." And is this all one big paragraph? Try to infuse some structure into the essay. The purpose of the essay is unclear. Are you trying to persuade the reader that the U.S. should be more involved, perhaps, criticize the Nigerian government, or merely to inform? The purpose must be made clear.

Answer 3

There is a lot of information here. First, you need to give credit to where you got those facts. You're supposed to cite the reference whenever you quote from somebody. Second, the paragraphs don't have a clear topic sentence and the flow from one paragraph to the next is not smooth. Either reorganize the paragraphs or add some transitional sentences.

I disagree with the person before me. Essays can be written in first person. I do that in my doctoral dissertation, and so do my professors in their academic articles.

Good work so far, keep it up!

Answer 4

Essays should never be written in the first person, ie don't use terms like "I, me, my" etc.

Write a question that you are answering and answer that question. You could answer the question "Oil : an international problem" Discuss with reference to internal problems (within a country) and external problems.

Third, separate your answer into parts and use a paragraph for each part. At the moment it is all over the place like a dog's breakfast.

Answer 5

so far it is a very interesting essay. I would also look into the corruption in our goverment as well. The fact that most of our polititions own stock in oil is very interesting. Yes foreign affairs have alot to do with the current price of gas but our goverment has their dirty little paws in it to. Good job though.

Answer 6

In clinical tuition they needed to take notes quite speedy. Becoming a health practitioner isn't that convenient now, The pace in their writing messep up their handwriting And they do not care approximately it after fitting a health practitioner.