just sit and wait it'll be here
do I make myself clear?
ive been sitin all day
with nothin to say
but now i've found something to do
im gon' divorse you
where have you been all day?
I fixed you a whole tray
you dont even know what you sayin
come on boy i aint playin
ive been workin all day
and all you can do is play
so bye, jus fli fli fli away from my life
it was late at nite
i heard somthing so i turned on my lite
i thought i saw somthing but nothin was there,
as i stare and stare and stare
it was somthin i could'nt see
it was somthin i couldnt be
i stand up and looked all around,
but i knew it was somthing that would turnd my frown upside down
i wish i could see it...
and be it
but then i really opend my eye's
and saw a little shine
it was so brite
it almost bloked my eye site
it was god
he was tellin me there was nothin to be afraid of
cuz he always be there and all i could do was
star stare stare
2006-08-02 12:29:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Jana, I am sorry but this is kind of things that maybe a fourth grader would write. If you wish to write poetry that is accepted and praised today, go read some modern poetry. Likewise, as others have suggested, spell check them and use punctuation. Poetry is crystallized emotion, not just words that sort of rhyme. In fact, rhyming is seldom used as a poetic device now.
I am not saying stop writing, but I am saying read some modern poetry. Get into a class that teaches poetic devices. Learn the craft. Please, poetry is hard to write well. Very hard.
2006-08-02 12:39:51 · answer #1 · answered by NeoArt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do agree that you need to clean it up a little but the emotion is valid... Just fix the spelling on some things (I understand that some things would have to be left to keep the rhythm, etc...) I disagree that you need to stick with what modern poetry does. Poetry is a very personal art form and plenty of great poems rhyme! There are many ways to write a poem; don't let peoples opinions discourage you... Peace!!!
2006-08-03 15:21:55 · answer #2 · answered by Grimm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds good, but also sounds like it's missing something. Try putting more emotion into the poem and try not to worry about making every two lines rhyme. But otherwise, I like the theme of the poem and the message your trying to display of being alright after something you've been with doesn't work.
2006-08-02 19:32:22 · answer #3 · answered by Joyce G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is the bad grammar intentional?
Oh, no matter. Your poems sound more like rap/songs rather than poems. They rhyme and you can even say them in a sing-songy voice.
Really. Rap songs or something.
2006-08-02 19:36:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the first one better.
I dont really care for the second one (sorry)
It just seems like something is missing.
The second one is a bit boring.
If you need any help or info e-mail me at
k_kelsey459@yahoo.com
I have made two books and one poem! (exept their not published yet)
2006-08-02 19:57:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is an educational Q&A forum, not a place to advertise your writing. If you want to get reviews and comments, try posting it on www.fictionpress.com. That's where I post my stories and poems and it works pretty well.
2006-08-02 19:34:06 · answer #6 · answered by crazylittlewriterchick 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you need to get the amount of syllable the same... they don't flow well. And the spelling errors make them hard to read and understand.
2006-08-02 19:35:09 · answer #7 · answered by WenckeBrat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the second one.
2006-08-02 19:54:37 · answer #8 · answered by Nobody 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad. Almost sounds like cowboy poetry...recited with guitar music.
2006-08-02 19:38:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The second poem is really good, it has a nice rhythym. I like the subject
2006-08-02 19:34:01 · answer #10 · answered by herme 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋