her mother tells her 2 bhave like a brat and has done from day 1 even though her mother broke up the realitionship between herself and my partner this has been going on 4 a while and we been married bout 1yr and affecting us as i had enough and ready 2 say 4get it all im gone...
2006-08-02 11:21:04 · 24 answers · asked by sarah71397 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all the change has to come from your husband. It is easy enough to let the kid know what will fly and what won't when she comes to your house. He needs to grow a spine and start being a parent. He's doing her no good in the long run by letting her be a little monster, how far will that behavior get her in the real world and a parents job is preparing a child for adult life. My sisters ex had a daughter like this and it got so bad she had to say me or her and the daughter didn't come around anymore. It would have been much easier to just put the girl in her place but, like so many men, he chose not too or didn't know how to.
You need to sit your husband down, tell him that the two of you have a problem, tell him that you are at the end of your rope and things will change or you will leave. Then together you make a list of rules and regulations that WILL be followed when the kid is at your home, then HE enforces them. Discipline should never come from a step parent, thats the first thing he has to know and the first thing any expert will tell you. Get yourself a book on step parent families, this is a common problem. This kid is 12 and can clearly understand that there are rules for your house and rules for her mothers house. Not to mention this is a KID, surely you can figure out how to get the better of her? She can only tear up your family IF you allow her too! She's a kid playing stupid kid games, as long as you keep that in mind it shouldn't be too difficult to beat her at her own game. She is continuing to do it because she knows she is winning, she knows she is upsetting you and she knows she is driving you nuts. You didn't say specifically what she does but honestly if you just smile at her and say oh you poor, sad, pathetic child, while going tsk tsk tsk and shaking your head slightly and walk away she'll not know what hit her and if she fails to get the reaction she is going for she will stop. Its like someone poking you over and over again with their finger, if you get upset and yell and scream they will keep doing it, they are getting a pay off for it (people do nothing without a payoff) if you simply do nothing, behave as though it doesn't phase you in the least that person will get bored with their efforts and find something else to do real quick. This is a battle and you are letting her win.
2006-08-02 11:43:44 · answer #1 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember, you are the adult. So never stoop to her level. Remain calm, and don't let her win. But you do need to connect on some level. Do you ever just do something with her? If not, then start. Find out what she likes and start paling around. Maybe you two could be come friends, and leave the hard stuff to the "Mom" and Dad. I see more success with step children and step parents if they leave the parenting to the actual parent. Just step aside, and change your position and give her nothing to complain about. Eventually, the brat can be tamed. Its hard, but it can be done.
2006-08-02 18:40:28 · answer #2 · answered by smplyme132 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you married her Mom, you took the responsibility of being a step parent, so let your wife know that you are not tolerating any issues from the daughter because you done all you could to get along with her. Her Mom needs to be stern and get her in check to respecting her alders, only you make sure you are not taking anything out of prospective (trying underhanded things because she's a girl).
2006-08-02 18:32:57 · answer #3 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its easy to take sides with your partner but you may be uninformed on the truth of the whole matter.be the best person you can be and set an example for everyone else.be the calm of the storm.be the best person you can be even when you are treated badly.when you respond with anger to the things another does or says to you.you may give them the sense of power that they were hoping for that caused the bad behavior in the first place.dont fuel the fire by acting out.be the best person you can be regaurdless of how you are treated.accept the fact that you cannot control another persons behavior but you can control your behavior and are responsible enough to do so.
2006-08-02 18:38:12 · answer #4 · answered by ronny d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ex-wife's can be a pain in the --- for sure and they often try to use the kids to cause trouble. First, your dealing with a 12 year old--so that's a problem in itself. You weren't specific as to what trouble the kid is causing---if she is trying to play you over your husband or your husband over you with disipline or permission to do things you need to calmly talk to your husband when the kid is not around and make sure he understands that you both need to have a united front in your home. Do you every watch The Nanny tv show--it deals with kids with disipline problems and their parents that caused it. Your husband has to understand and make his daughter understand that she must respect you and your word means something. The kid needs to know you are in charge. If she acts up, don't let her get to you--that's what she and her mom wants. She get's a time out and can sit on a step quietly for 12 mins. If she continues to misbehave she looses privliges. But you husband has to be united with you on this--so that the kid knows your in charge and that when she is in your house your house rules apply.
Don't get into arguments with the ex-wife---you know she is trying to get to you---Some woman think that if she doesn't want her husband know one else should want him either or that he shouldn't be allowed to find happiness withsomeone else. Last resort--Think of it this way---she is 12 you only have 6 more years of this nonsense, child support etc to put up with.
2006-08-02 18:41:27 · answer #5 · answered by pwdrpuff 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well your partner and yourself need to set limits and boundaries. 12 year olds can be hard and most girls just would not want to share their dad so their is options. Firstly be the friend not mother, secondly get yourself outta there leave her with her dad, fourthly if she behaved badly tell her that that behaviour will not be tolerated and tell her unless she behaves like ..... she will not be allowed to stay up go shopping use the phone etc...
Ex well never get into a war with them they just hate you because you are happy with somebody they wanted to be happy with but couldn't so let that go.... BTW if you get the fathers support than you can tell him what you expect and let him take the lead.
2006-08-02 18:35:32 · answer #6 · answered by lol_des 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess that depends on how much sacrifice you are willing to make for the love you have (still have) for your partner.
When you got into the relationship you already know of the kid and still accepted her. You just didn't realize that the daughter would be so much trouble.
Maybe you need to just open up with her. She thinks of you as an enemy, make her realize that you are more than a friend to her, you are her stepdad after all.
2006-08-02 18:35:20 · answer #7 · answered by Busy Diyosa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now come on... don't let the ex win... you know the daughter is only doing it because her mom told her to so it would mess your relationship up... you can't let her win this... the way to get through to the little 12 year old girl... is to use your reverse psychology on her... and eventually she will join you instead of working against you and her mother (the ex) will be so ticked off by this that it will make your day....
LOL enjoy doing it!
2006-08-02 18:31:02 · answer #8 · answered by nknicolek 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ignore her. When she comes over to yalls house, ignore her like she isnt there. Let her see how it feels. Sit your husband down and tell him how you feel and let him deal with it. This might help, sit her down and try to get on her level and find out what the problem might really be. It could be something so simple
2006-08-02 18:26:28 · answer #9 · answered by Texas_at_its_best 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
when kids see there parents dating other people they automatically think that your taking them way from there parent, you have to make her realize that your not doing that. You also have to say well I'm not trying to be your mother but i can be a good friend, because in there minds they think u might be trying to take moms spot . You also have to bond with them take time to spend with her get to know her because kids love attention.
2006-08-02 18:34:22 · answer #10 · answered by Ms.Lovely 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋