Can I ever forgive?

Question

I found out 2 1/2 years ago that my husband, then of 10 years, inappropriately touched my child, his step child. It happend 4 times. 3 years prior to that, he was physically abusive, but I had forgiven him and we worked past the issues. But when I discovered worse had happened, it opened up the past wounds all over again. We had seperated for almost two years but are back together. He has gone to counseling and seems like he put much effort into changing. He wants to do anything to make it better. While we were seperated, I started seeing someone else, which made him bitterly angry and revengeful. We were not divorced, but seperated. Now, back together, I am bitter and felt he guilted me into coming back to him since I was 'living in sin' after he tried making changes. How can I get past the resentment and give our marriage a fair chance for recovery, if we actually can. Please be gentle and people in this position are the best to respond to my question since they've been there. T

Answer 1

Dear Bella,

WoW! What a mess. After I read your question, I had a question of my own, Why are you wasting so many good years on a bad choice? Let's get the forgive question out of the way. If you believe in God, no matter what your religious affiliation is, you must know you have to forgive in order for God to forgive you.

That doesn't mean we don't forget, I lived through a lot of the horror you experienced, too. The issue with your husband is control. He is an absolute control freak. It wreaks of it in your question, too. There was [and still may be] an issue of sexual abuse. It's not about sex, it's about control. When you were separated, he "guilted" you into coming back. What is that? You go back because you truly and unconditionally love him. I don't hear that in the scenario you presented.

He's bitterly angry and revengeful, period. You didn't "make" him that way. He just makes you think you do. Again, control. How many years are you going to continue to feed his game? He has been stripping you of your self-esteem and has you believeing you can't live without him. Guess what? You can. I seriously think you should get help for yourself AND your children.

Particularly the children that have been damaged by him will never be able to truly trust you and always have trust issues in their adult lives if they are not dealt with now, No one likes to bring up old wounds, but by pushing them down and not talking about them doesn't make them go away.

Especially in children of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, they may develop personality disorders or even multiple personalities. They need your help, Mom. Look how it has affected you, imagine what your child or children are feeling? Get professional help for all of you. Get away from him. He is the root of most of your problems.

You already know there is life after him. You should feel better once you get "Bella" back. Your children will, too. Take a chance at happiness. Forgive and forget, but remember just enough to remind you why you left in the first place. It's very hard to forgive, but with the help of God and his word, you will be able to do great things.

I wish you and your family the best! Feel free to email me any time.

Ciao! Bella,
Raylene♥

Answer 2

A child's well being comes first, no questions asked. Yes, I believe that some people can change and find ways to cope with their anger or abusive behaviors, but he seems to still be jealous, from what you are saying. I would not try and work this relationship out, he abused your child, that is wrong and by going back that child will end up resenting you some for taking the man back who abused him/her.

If you feel like you have been "guilted" then you probably have. Get out while you can and don't look back.

Answer 3

i've never experienced this...but i have to say that you need to make clear boundaries of what you want in this relationship. it seems that he has lots of problems that he needs to deal with..and he is pulling u down with him. it's going to be extremely hard for u to get past the resentment, because what he's done is, to be honest, is fairly unforgivable. molesting ur child?? abusing you?? it's GREAT that he is trying to get help and wants to make it better... but if you are unhappy and do not trust him, or you feel guilty and that's why you got back with him, this is recipe for DISASTER. there is a reason why you are bitter, there is a reason you can't quite forgive him right now. for the sake of your sanity and happiness, and your children's, i think you need to let him go. the only way you AND him will become stronger people in this situation, is if you do it on your own. i think you feel frustrated and suffocated by him, and judging by his problems, he needs way more work before he can even BEGIN the process of healing with you. if you trusted in him to get better, you wouldn't have dated someone else..there's too many indicators in your story that point to negative future..... if you had said you were behind him 100% and were completely happy and committed EXCEPT for those things he did, which he's trying to help, then i would say Try. but since u sound like u've given up and are not happy, i think u'd be better off alone, or finding someone who will make you happy, and you can trust.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Your child should be your #1 priority. How can you even contemplate taking someone so sick back? Being that a pedophile is a sickness that they can NEVER recover from. They could have all the counseling in the world. Don't even put your child in that situation. Don't you wonder what he thinking when he looks at him or her? No, you can definitely find someone that will love and take care of your child, not abuse them. Be strong for your child's sake.

Answer 6

i know you're looking for someone in the same situation to answer the question, i'm not, but i just want to say that you can forgive but you will never forget.

you have to decide for yourself what is right for you and your child.

with the fact that he inappropriately touched your child, i would be VERY concerned about him being back in both your lives. did you ask your child how they feel about him?

i would be EXTREMELY careful, and never leave your child alone with him ever again. it happend more than once, just because he says he's changed doesn't mean it isn't going to happen again.

Answer 7

Is this question for real, or is this a joke? The dude molested your child, and you're back with him?? If this is true, you are a loser. It's one thing if you want to do stupid s**t like this yourself, but putting your child at risk *again* is unacceptable.

Oh, sorry, I was supposed to be gentle.... Honey, leave him and get a life. Seriously. Once molester and abuser, always a molester. It will happen again, you're wasting your time and putting your child in danger.

Answer 8

I am sorry to tell you this but in the long run you will leave him for good. you have lost respect, trust, and love for him. Any one who can make you feel guilty bad enough to go back to them. you truly don't love them. A person who is willing to touch your child the wrong way will do it again. Mommy you will leave again to keep your mind in peace. you don't love him, you feel sorry him. one day that will not be enough for you and your child life to live with.

Answer 9

FIRST, HOW DOES YOUR DAUGHTER FEEL. SECOND IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE U FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WENT ON WHEN U TWO WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER, IT SOUND LIKE HE NEEDS COUNSELING FOR DEALING W/ THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. BACK TO YOUR DAUGHTER, IF THE MAN WOULD HAVE TOUCHED MY CHILD.....THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD CONSIDER GETTING BACK W/ HIM. MY FOCUS WOULD BE CONTACTING THE AUTHORITIES, HAVING A CHARGE OR TWO AGAINST HIM.

Answer 10

Forgive?????? Sexually molesting your child??? Well, I'd forgive right after heck freezes over. Even if you forgive, your obligation is to your child. Your child deserves to be safe, and nothing your husband can say or do will guarantee that. You gotta choose. Choose your child.