How many divorced people NEVER expected to be divorced?

Question

I am not married, but believe it would be both challenging and rewarding (hopefully more rewarding than challenging). As I get older, I try to remain optimistic that one day I will be "happily" married, but the more I look around the more I wonder how realistic that truly is. Would anyone care to share what common misconceptions they had before marriage, and what they learned (or wish they knew earlier) after divorce?

I know it seems silly the way I worded the question.. Obviously nobody *expects* to get divorced. I guess I just wanted to hear from people who wholeheartedly believed they would be married "til death do us part" and felt they had adequately prepared for it, only to find out later things don't always work that way. Thank you!

Also, would you say that the marriage was "worth it", even though it "failed" in the end, or do wish it never happened?

Answer 1

There were a few lessons I learned from getting married and now divorced. #1.) Do not get married too young. Everyone told us that we weren't prepared considering our age and lack of experience that most people have by the time they are actually ready to be married. #2.) Do not expect the fairytale, happily ever-ending marriage because you have to face reality and there is issues, problems, temptations lurking at every corner and you need to be able to accept (not expect!) that they can emerge in your life and at least acknowledging them might make you both better prepared to resolve or prevent them. #3.) If there are things that you don't like about your potential spouse or even just warning signs (in my situation, he was very selfish and a huge liar) do not think that marriage will change them or that you can change your partner once they are your spouse. If someone wants to change, it has to be because they want to not because they have to or to please someone else. If they do it for those reasons, it is most likely that they never will change. #4.) Do not attack each other in fights or use your words (or hands for that matter) to gain the upper hand in a fight or even the relationship. If you both say things that are downright cruel, you will end up hurting and resenting each other and feel more or less against each other then what you should be, and that is on the same team. #5.) This is the most important I think, COMMUNICATION is the key...no matter what the issue you should be able to express yourselves to each other and offer and take support when needed. If you don't have this, try counseling or any means to keep the communication going bc if you do, then you can vocalize your needs and come up with solutions to have them met and to keep things where you are both happy. #6.) Never stay just for the kids bc they will suffer more with parents who are not happy and are at each other's throats. Good luck to you and I hope that when you do find that special someone that you have a long happy life together. No one goes into a marriage expecting a divorce but just because it does happen does not mean that it wasn't worth the experience or that you should completely rule out on love...

Answer 2

I was married 20 years to the person I knew would be with me forever. He was having an affair with the person he wanted to be with forever. I never even saw it coming.

The divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. It devastated my entire existence. I had planned my entire future with this man. All of my hopes and dreams were gone. I didn't know what to do or where to turn for help.

I found a divorce support group a one of the local churches. It turned my life around. I attended meetings for two years until I was whole again.

The only thing I am glad about from the marriage is that I have my children. Without him I would not have the wonderful kids I have now, so yes - something good came out of the marriage.

In my youth and ignorance I was not aware of the amount of HARD WORK a marriage requires. I wish I had known that sooner, but I can take that knowledge into my next relationship (if I ever find one) and hope to make it better.

Answer 3

The only huge problem is that no one can predict the future. Therefore the question should be is it worth denying yourself that kind of happiness and experience in you life because of all the what ifs. Everyone is different. I am married and I can tell you that it has its ups and downs just like everything else in life. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing but I wouldn't change it for the world. Finding the man of your dreams will eliviate any questions you may have about whether to do it or not. I say do it. If it is not what you expected and your completely miserable get out and consider it lesson learned and move on. Bottom line it is not worth making a descison without giving it a shot first. Good luck!

Answer 4

I don't think anyone ever wants to end up divorced, but the advice I have for you is to make sure you never get married for the wrong reasons! I got married for the first time simply because it was what everyone expected I should do at my age. Settle down and get married. It was a miserable failure and ended pretty quickly. I wish now that I hadn't have done it. I am now happily married, for all of the right reasons, and while it does have it's ups and downs it is mostly a very rewarding feeling!

Answer 5

When I married my first husband we got married in front of a justice of the peace, we had 3 friends as witnesses... everyone wore black but me.. I was in pink. My parents and I all believed that my marriage would last longer than my older sisters. I got a divorce thrown at me after 7 on our anniversary. I never, ever thought we would be divorced. My second husband and I lived together for 6 years before getting married. We have been together a grand total of 10 years. It took me that long to decide I was getting remarried and I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens I am NOT getting divorced again. There is tooo much to put down here as to what I wish I knew before I got married the first time and what I learned afterward.

Answer 6

I think the thing with divorce is that people go for it when their spousal issues are ridiculous, because it's an easy escape. BAsically, they weren't committed enough apparently. I know that when I get married (if ever) I'll force me and my partner into counseling if we have to. But I'll refuse a divorce, and the guys I date that I talk about it with, are well aware of it. But that's why I say "if ever" I get married b/c I might just think it's bullshit and nonsense of the relatinship doesn't work out. What's hte point of the piece of ****** paper? Nothing worthy to me. So it's easier to just be together without marriage and break up if it gets that bad. I think a lot of ppl get married hoping it will actually keep them together. That's like jumping into a trap and knowing where the escape is when it gets uncomfortable.

Answer 7

I got married at 14 years old, and then divorced at 18. I never imagined I would ever get a divorce, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my husband. Then again I never expected to be married so young either. One thing I did take from that relationship, though, was make sure you know your partner VERY well, and make sure you know yourself even better.

Answer 8

I think nobody expected divorce when they gotten married.
I have been divorced once.
The misconception about the marriage is that your partner
will meet all of your needs.And they can not.
Another misconception is that somehow we will change the other into what we want him to be.That will never happen.
Most marriages have a wrong foundation to begin with.
Psalm 127 vers1: Unless the Lord builds the house they labour in vain that build it...
A marriege without God ,is absolutely hopeless!

Answer 9

My first marriage happened too fast and was over less then 3 years later. It takes years to truly know a person. Getting married in the lovey dovey stage is wrong. By taking your time and really getting to know someone over a span of a few years, helps big time when it comes to marriage.

Answer 10

I'm currently going through divorce. I married someone who treated me badly, I was pregnant with his child and hoped he would change.
Stupid I know, but i really wanted to do the right thing.

I left him back in march because of domestic violence andI swear I will NEVER let anyone treat me like that again.

I have come out of it a stronger person and I have to put my daughter first!