my husband and i have been married for 4 months now. cutting to the chase i love him with all my heart and know he loves me too. he cheated on me just a kiss with another woman. alright that's over and done wih ( I thought the hard part was over) Ok now he told me about a past girlfriend with a baby and he didn't know that it was his or not. Fine. alright now he had contacted her and the baby 2 months ago. he still says the baby is not his but yet assumes responsiblity for him. now the mother has contacted him again asking for his help to step up in a divorce that she is going through currently so she won't lose the baby. my husband has seen this child once and the man caring for the baby wants the child. I don't think my husband has told her about me and our marriage.. he says that he did though, but my trust in my husband is limited now. he lied before and is still lieing now and i don't know how to handle everything. i don't want to leave him.
2006-08-02 08:02:51 · 6 answers · asked by charmedwu 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ok, been there and done that..... get your pen and paper out, NOW...... sit down and write out all your concerns and thoughts..... all of them !!! if it takes 20 pages , then it takes 20 pages....... then go over each one and think about them..... narrow them down to about 1/2, what is important and what is not all that important, at this point .... then go over those 1/2 and really put them to the test, what are the most important out of those....... you will find that as you think about and cross out those less important issues, that you will feel as if a weigth has been lifted.... and as for the left over issues, deal with them straight on and up front..... they will NOT go away unless you do...... the child is an important issue, a life is a stake, or at least a future of an innocent child, and the child deserves to know who its father is.....and this child was made before you came along, so do not hold your husband or the child in guiltly prison for past mistakes...... talk to husband about a DNA test... the swabbing method is prob. around 100 to 200 dollars , but for the sake of the child it is worth every penny.... and then you and husband will know for sure, and can move on...... him supporting the child is one thing, supporting the mother is another..... if the child is NOT his, then you and him have to decide what the right thing is... if his heart tells him to keep supporting the child, then you may just have to live with that, and is that realy such a bad thing ? all children need help and care !!! and as for the cheating...... you made the choice to stay and to forgive, so you have to find a way to let go...... it takes time and effort and work on your part...... grieve for the lost but rejoice on what will come if you let it....... ohhhhhh, and has for helping the mother and her divorce ? if this is a problem for you , you need to speak up........ speak up on those things which are important and are causing the stress...... and pray a lot, God will step in if you let Him....... God bless
2006-08-02 08:18:14 · answer #1 · answered by Annie 7 · 15⤊ 1⤋
Sweetie, wow. Do you have your mom, any sisters or anyone to talk to? You are on the right path, declaring that you are going to stand strong, girl. That's right! Fight for your marriage! Don't listen to people who say to leave your husband. People are human and we err ALOT. It is unfortunate that he had the fear and secrecy that caused you to proceed unaware of some things that may have made you reconsider marrying him until his drama was settled. The first year of marriage is hard enough without all the added mess you have. What city are you in? You need to join up with an awesome ministry where a circle of sisters and Godly men can pray for your strength and marriage, interceeding for the victory on a weekly basis. YOU can pray hard for your own strength and pray for your husband daily. What a mess he has made. Paternity test should have been mentioned first of all. Second this woman needs to fight her own battle. The two who can change this whole situation both have BAD communication problems: the kids biological parents. You know what I always say? I can handle ANYTHING as long as I know the truth. It is UNCERTAINTY that I can't handle and I bet it is the same for you. Don't leave him but look him in the eyes and talk to him until this all gets to some reasonable compromise you can live with. Tell him to call that woman in your presence and demand he tell her about you... nothing can proceed without the truth. You can consider asking for a little space if you have a loved one you can feel comfortable staying with, but again, I'm for you sticking it out. Bless you.
2006-08-02 08:18:59 · answer #2 · answered by Sleek 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him know that your love is not conditional on what's happened in the past. Tell him that you are by his side and supporting him on paternity testing and seeking joint custody of the child or testifying on the stability of the mother if he feels he can honestly do that without jeopardizing the future of her son. Like someone just wrote, you are a team now and if you don't have God in your marriage, now would be a good time. Ask your husband to trust you with the truth and to include you in his dealings with the ex-g so that you can trust him. If the baby is his, you don't want him to make the mistake of relinquishing his rights and losing his son. And you if you want to stay with him, pray for strength and be a source of stability and refuge for him. Assure him that this child can be part of your family, even if you are only 4 months in. It's time for him to be a grown-up and honor his vows to you, which means no "woops I kissed that girl" or worse.
2006-08-02 08:29:20 · answer #3 · answered by raspberrynaledo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you really need to do some soul searching on your own, and also with your husband. You should sit down and really try to talk about this with him. If it is his child, then it is great that he is stepping up to take responsibility, but he needs to find out for sure first. He also needs to involve you in all of this because you two are a team now. If you can't seem to communicate all this on your own, maybe you guys should see some kind of a counselor to help you deal with the issues you both may have concerning your relationship and all of the new developments.
2006-08-02 08:09:07 · answer #4 · answered by lilcountrygirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not much you can do if you're not willing to separate from him while he works all this crap out. I'd suggest communicating with him, but you don't trust him and he has known to lie...so the only thing that's left is to just wait it out. You'll probably feel miserable, isolated and foolish, but you married him. Sounds like an awful lot of baggage for this being only a 4 month marriage. Obviously you didn't know of this prior to the marriage....? All I can say is I'm sorry you are in this position.
2006-08-02 08:10:50 · answer #5 · answered by auntcookie84 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally believe if he is being or near the point of abuse you should leave, but at the very least I think you and him should see a marriage counselor (if he agrees to go) if not you should still go by yourself and get professional help anyways. In the Corps you can get free counseling so I would think its the same in the Army. And in my own personal experience yahoo answers is not the best place for answers to a question this serious (my 13 year old sister goes on here answering questions all the time) so the quality of your answers are probably not going to be real professional.
2016-03-27 14:51:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋