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I have lots of HUMOROUS QUOTES that are my favs like:

"There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder 'what happened?'."

AND

"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me. "

AND

(I live for this one)
"Never be afraid to try, remember...
Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic"

Share yours here and the best one (in which I decide) wins 10 points... LOL ;)

2006-08-02 07:48:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music Polls & Surveys

Post Note:
Oh yeah, I remember another good one...
Kids in the back seat cause Accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause Kids.

2006-08-02 08:11:31 · update #1

15 answers

I have many.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're standing on.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

The second thing to go is the memory. I can't remember what the first thing is.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights make a left.

If at first you don't succeed. . .Parachuting probably isn't for you.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards

Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level. And then they'll beat you with experience.

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Nothing would ever get done if it weren't for the last minute.

Don't take life too seriously-it's not like you're getting out alive.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Bacon and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Cats are smarter than dogs - you won’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine times out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.

I'll write down more if I find any....

2006-08-02 07:52:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

That's about as cool as dog siht on a silver platter!

Oh man, doesn't that just frost your balls!

You can't be waiting for your damned ship to come in at a freaking bus stop.

Don't try to press your shirt with a hot iron, while you are still wearing it.

It's not feasible to celebrate Christmas on the fourth of July!

Whoever told you that money isn't everything is probably a poor person.

Poverty sucks!

Falling in love with a teacher is always great because if you don't get it right the first time, they make you do it again.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, so you can fool around with the nurse!

Screw em, if they can't take a joke.

2006-08-02 08:05:39 · answer #2 · answered by Chandru M 6 · 1 0

Hope you like these.....

I tried siffing coke once, but I got ice cubes up my nose!
-unknown-
Everyone you know makes you smile:

Some do it by entering a room;
Others do it by exiting a room.
-unknown-
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
-Jim Davis- (a cartoonist)
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-Walt Disney- (this is probably true. i think he was gay.)
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
-Paula Poundstone-
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-Paula Poundstone-
Life is like a movie-since there aren't any commercial breaks, you have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of it.
-Garry Trudeau- (a cartoonist)
Why the hell can't people just write nice happy stories about people having happy sex? That's what I want, and I bet a whole bunch of other people want it too.
-Phil Foglio-(a cartoonist)

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Bill Watterson-(a cartoonist)
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?
-Bill Watterson-
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
-Jack Benny-
Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed.
-Charles M. Schultz-(a cartoonist)
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
-Charles M. Schultz-
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
-Doug Larson-(a cartoonist)
For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
-Doug Larson-
My personal favorite being from Oklahoma: " I'M HAPPIER THAN A TORNADO IN A TRAILER PARK!!!
--Larry the Cable Guy (in the movie 'Cars')--


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2006-08-02 08:49:34 · answer #3 · answered by d.pow 2 · 1 0

Small minded people talk about people,
Medium minded people talk about events,
Great minded people talk about ideas.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Water, never drink it. Fish f**k in it. W.C. Fields


God gives us children so that death does not seem so harsh

I am not a crook! Richard Nixon

That depends on what the meaning of is, is! Bill Clinton

2006-08-02 08:05:29 · answer #4 · answered by J P 7 · 1 0

well it's not really a quote but it's in a song
"life's like an hourglass glued to the table"

pretty true stuff right there

2006-08-02 07:55:55 · answer #5 · answered by bdemps2241 2 · 0 0

There is no sense in hitting the brakes when you are upside down.

2006-08-02 07:54:30 · answer #6 · answered by vince25_98 1 · 0 0

One of my personal faves:

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!"

Tee hee!

2006-08-02 07:52:30 · answer #7 · answered by Annie 4 · 0 0

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either - Dick Cavett

2006-08-02 08:00:53 · answer #8 · answered by Boilerfan 5 · 0 0

No good deed goes unpunished.

2006-08-02 07:53:56 · answer #9 · answered by Abby M 2 · 0 0

"I take a whiskey drink, I take a vodka drink,
and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink." - Homer Simpson

2006-08-02 07:52:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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