Am I being abusive to my husband?

Question

My husband rejects to have sex with me for 5 years. (sexless) He was financially irresponsible as a husband. He wasn't nice to my family. We had good times as well despite of our problems. Over the years, because of these problems, I asked, begged, cried, pursuaded to solve the problems in our marriage. He didn't want to go see doctors or therapist. Many times, his neglect and failure to do anything to solve our problems angered me that I started yelling, screaming, threatening to get through him. But it still didn't work. My problem was not because of what he is doing but what he is NOT doing as a responsible husband. Now that I am in the process of divorce, I am doing soul searching. First I thought, he is being abusive neglecting, ignoring my pain. But now I wonder I was being abusive ( to get through him) because he didn't put any effort to solve problems. All my family is angry at him for what he put me through but why do I feel guilty ?

I am also shamful that I stayed at sexless, financially burdened marriage. He was nice to me at times, we had connection, we had good times despite of our problems.

He has been begging me to stay saying he will change now and he promises. To me, I gave him chance for 5 years and I don't know if I can trust him that he will change. But he says now he realizes how he took me for granted and didn't put any effort in solving problems.

Answer 1

you were not being abusive. quit telling yourself that. you were just doing what you thought might save your marriage and your husband. never doubt yourself. you did what you could. at least you can say you tried everything you knew before yall gave it up. a lot of people would have just walked away and not tried. you tried. give yourself a pat on the back for that. if you hadnt tried anything, you would be asking why didnt you try harder what would have happened if i had even tried a lil bit? now you know. you tried. thats all you can do!

Answer 2

If you love him and you have children with him, you should try one more time. I would set rules, like he had to have a job and you guys had to have at least one date a week and he had to pay. If you walk away with all of these questions you will never have answers and will always wonder what if. I would also put a time limit on it and if you don't want to move back in together yet date him again have him earn you back and when he tries you will become stronger and you self worth will improve. I think you probrably said somethings that you now regret and are making you feel guilty but you were truly just trying to help him, also you guys should get some counseling there may be a physical or mental condition there. I hope everything works out I have worked as a legal secretary for a long time and divorce takes it toll on you and even once you make it through ti still scars you. Take care and good luck

Answer 3

guilty feelings, that nagging suspision in the back of your mind that you didn't do all you could to make the marriage work. Maybe you shouldn't have yelled, screamed or threaten him, but what less could you do. You were fighting for your marriage, believe I have pulled some stunts that I am not proud of trying to save mine. We get desperate and confussed-just not thinking right. Now, he's going to make hisself into the husband he should have been for the last 5 years. He's pulling a pretty good guilt trip on you hisself. I would tell him to prove that he's changed. I wouldn't stop the divorce. You can always remarry, put if the papers are all ready filed, I would ahead and go thru with it. It's hard enough to make the decision to give up the fight without having to go thru all this again...You can just walk away, no paperwork no judges needed. I am not saying go back with him.---no, he would prove his changes with a good steady paycheck, be a responsible person with handling his money, and if had other problems he would be working on them to. A receipt from a counsler also, because he needs help with his problems. You could offer to go with him, if you have thoughts of trying it again. That's your call, not your family's. He should respect your family, he doesn't have to like them, but does need to respect them. He has hurt you and I wouldn't just jump right back into it-if you even thought about it. You tried for 5 old years, and that's plently of time for him to wake up and smell the coffee, don't be miserable any longer! You done everything that you could do, so don't feel guilty for the yelling, screaming, or threatening him, you were doing all you could think of at the time. He has lost a good woman, most women wouldn't have taken it for 5 months much less 5 years. You go out and find someone who wants to make each of your days happier than the day before...he's out there, can't promise he will like your family, but if he loves you he will be nice and respectful.....God bless us all...........

Answer 4

First of all, I understand that you obviously love him. I can't even begin to guess his feelings on the issue, but it is clear that you tried to make it work.
First, move out, or kick him out. Be on your own for a little while. Call it a seperation if you will, but be on your own.
Second, if you just can't seem to let go or get over this guilt (which you should not feel) attempt counseling. Go alone for yourself, and together if he'll agree to go with you, and your up to it, you have nothing to lose. If he still refuses to go, MOVE ON!
The age old "actions speak louder than words" is so true. Trust your gut. Do not try to rationalize or justify his actions or inactions. Yes, people do tend to take their spouces for granted, and don't realize what they are losing until it's too late, but 5 years of neglect would tear down any woman.
You deserve better. To feel special, and wanted. It really sounds like you are the one who's been hanging on, while he acts like a roommate.
I do have a feew questions for you to think on. Why has he stayed? Does he show you any other form of affection? He may have a, ahem "problem" that he's embarresed about. If there has been no affection of any sort for 5 years, do you pay the bills? Take care of his other needs, cooking, cleaning, etc.?
Like I said in the beginning, regardless of what the answers are, or what you decide to do, go see a counselor for yourself. Make sure you know your worth, and don't ever let anyone treat you in a way that does not make YOU happy. You are woman right? Well let them hear you ROAR! :-)

Answer 5

I think you're feeling guilty because intuitively it's clear that it takes two to make the relationship work (or not work). Regardless of what he may or may not have been doing, he only got away with as much as you allowed him to. We all make our choices, and you chose to stay with the man even though he was disrespectful and abusive. This part of it is your fault. That said, I don't believe that anything YOU did as a person should have resulted in the way he treated you. He was in the wrong to put you through it - but some people just never change, and are stuck in their selfish ways, never being able to see the other's point of view. I hope you can get past your guilt; you made a good choice to start your life over, you deserve better.

Answer 6

Is not going to get any better and he will never change. It's natural to feel guilty as is never easy to break up a marriage. You did what you could and there is no point of dragging this any further.
You are doing the right thing. Go on and proceed with the divorce, You will feel much better after all is said and done.
Congratulations! You are a smart, strong woman.
Be happy

Answer 7

Dont blame yourself. If he didnt want sex for 5 years then it means he was sleeping with another woman behind your back. Hire a private eye or follow him secretly with a camera, because I bet you will find another woman he is sleeping with and you can use that against him in the divorce. If you get evidence of cheating then he broke the legal binding contract of marriage and you can get whatever you want in the divorce (or more that you would have gotten probably).
Dont feel guilty just be glad when it is over. You seem to have tried your best and he really did not want this marriage to work.

Answer 8

I felt a lot of guilt at ending my marriage despite the fact that I was divorcing an abusive alcoholic who showed no interest in recovery. I think its just a part of the process.

It's good to look at how you might have been wrong in the relationship and figure out how to avoid making those mistakes in the future. Don't let that process turn into destroying your self worth.

Answer 9

You were not abusive. You have to realize that your marriage was over before your divorce. He quit on you before you realize it. Learn from your past marriage, Find out want you don't want in your next relationship. Believe or not you grew up some because of this. Don't give up on finding that love that will make you smile,laugh and cry at the same. He wasn't the one, oh well. Good luck on finding your true love.

Answer 10

It takes tow to make a marriage and whats the point in staying if he can't be bothered to get help!
He's the selfish one not you. Don't feel guilty about it just move on with your life a happier person.

I wish you all the luck, Divorce isn't nice to go through!