Married 24 years, in middle of probable divorce, husband is acting very unstable, help!?

Question

Two months ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. The children, both grown, reacted very poorly and he was devastated. Have held off, hoping things would get better. He has some control and verbal abuse issues. He is bouncing between threats with the children, money, friends, to uncontolllable crying, begging me to stay and work it out. The other night at three in the morning he would not leave me alone, was following me all over the house to "talk" with me. Which means threats one minute followed by pleading the next. Finances are not a problem, make enough to take care of myself. Just worried about the kids adn destroying his life. How do you just do what is right for you without worrying about the others it involves? I cant seem to be able to leave, knowing what it will do to him, and not knowing what he might say or do to the kids ormy busines (I own my own retail store). Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for all the good advice. It is hard as most of our friends and family have never seen the bad stuff, so they dont understand why I want to leave. I do still care for him, but love is not what I feel. We have done counseling on and off for two years. When I told him I wanted out, he acted surprised. Blew me away as I had said numerous times I could not continue like this. He just thought it would all go away. I am not really afraid of him physically as I am a strong healthy female. He constantly is asking me if there is someone else, as that is the only thing he can believe would make me want to leave. Like I need another man telling me what to do. I do feel I am enabling him at times, but it goes so against my nature to hurt someones feelings I have a hard time just being tough. Thanks again to all who wrote, I appreciate the candor. Am trying to get the courage up to just find me a place of my own for awhile.

Answer 1

Twenty four years is a long time to throw it all away now. Would he consider going to counseling to work on the verbal and control issues?

If you still love him I would suggest doing what you can to save your marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, I'm sure you will get many different answers to this. However, I may be the only male that will give you a 100% honest answer.
If in fact you no longer "love" this guy then yes it is far better to go your seperate ways then stay together. And yes, I do believe it is possible to care for someone but not "love" them. Which sounds like the case here. Main thing is, ofcourse, the kids. Not a kid in the world wants to see mommy and daddy split. So, you have to be sure that they know they aren't the reason for the split. They also need to know that no matter what happens you both will still love them. Don't hide anything from them, but don't bad mouth eachother either. That'll make them take sides and put them in the middle of your two's problems.
Now, for the honest part.... A man, once faced with the reality of being alone, will freak out. I do not know how long you two were together. However, I'm assuming it's been a while with having kids. He will tell you he'll change, and he might for a few weeks. He'll try to prove he loves you by doing things he used to when you first got together. He try to tell you what he "thinks" you want to hear. Once he figures out that all his efforts aren't working, that's when he'll start getting mad and making threats. Chances are... He'll never act on them. If you do stay together, which I doubt you will... Think of what it's doing to the kids to know that mom and dad aren't happy. I would have to say the best thing to do is to try and sit down as a family and talk about everything that is going on. DO NOT raise your voices at anyone during that time. You may decide to just seperate for a while to see how things go. As far as the your business goes.... I dont think that should even be a concern at this point.. Family is way more important then any business...

Answer 3

If you truly cannot handle the situation anymore, you should leave. However, I think you should try anything to save the marriage. Just go back to when you were dating your husband. What was so wonderful about him? Was it his humor, or that he was so sweet to you, or because he loved you more tahn anyone in the world?

You see, human beings are always trying to find drama. Sounds like you do not realize how lucky you are. Your husband is not an alcoholic, he was not cheating on you, and he is not the one who is leaving. Maybe he is yelling at you because he can feel that you are pushing him away and does not want to admit it.

Twenty-four years is a long time and I believe that once you leave and date other people (and most of the people out there are realy messed up in the head!!!!) you will want your husband back. The problem might be that he will not want you back. Don't push your luck. Talk to him if you love him and try to work it out. Then take a romantic trip together and have your kids help out with the store while you are gone. Best wishes!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

I was married for 25 years when I filed for divorce. My ex was also a very controlling person and when I decided the controlling would stop, he lost control. I worried about my kids too but after he put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, I knew I could no longer live with this man. We went to counselling and all that did was allow me to get some things off my chest. My family asked why I would do this since I had 25 years "invested"....like it was a pension or something. I gave him 3 chances to change and he didn't. Right now your husband is in a panic mode. Maybe you have awoken him to some issues you both need to work out. He will say all sorts of things to get you to change your mind....and if you feel there is something salvagable in your marriage, then work them out if you can. If not, just remember life is too short, one shouldn't live it miserably.

Answer 5

Try thinking about how much success you've had in the past being responsible for his behavior. That's pretty much what you are describing. You hesitate to do what you know you want to do and should do because of him? Does that sound a bit like an enabler?
The kids? They've known for years that you were unhappy. As a matter of fact, do you really believe it was to their benefit that you remained married while they were little? So they could learn that a dysfunctional marriage was acceptable and right?
"Some control and verbal abuse issues"? And you hesitate? (I'm not one to talk--it took me 14 years to do what you're talking about doing. It was VERY difficult but the gain was well worth the pain.)

Answer 6

You need to do what's best for YOU! Your children are grown...they can take care of themselves now. You spent 24 years taking care of them and a husband who is controlling and abusive. That's more than long enough to put up with that kind of poor treatment. He is still controlling you by being abusive one minute and begging you to stay the next...classic abuser.

It's best to leave now. Worry about filing for divorce in a while. Even if he wants you to stay, the controlling will continue. Don't let it continue!

It's hard to not worry about him and your children, but at the breaking point, you have to worry about YOU FIRST! If he does or says anything to harm your kids or your business, call in the authorities...that's what they are there for...to prevent serious issues.

Think about yourself for a change...you deserve it.

Answer 7

My mother was the same as your husband, when my dad left her she acted the same way, but because my dad didn't love her anymore he didn't go back or even talk to her. She did try to take her own life and was in the hospital and the whole bit. But now 8 yrs later I am older and have had conversations with her and she has told me that the only reason she ever did any of that was to get my dads attention, so really everyone has to make there own decisions and I don't think you should be unhappy when no matter what he does its his own decision and you have done absolutely nothing to make him act the way he does. Its your life why should you be unhappy?

Answer 8

We are living parallel lives! You need to find a way to leave, as soon as possible. He should be in counseling, because he is hurting. Doesn't mean you are wrong, just means he can't deal with it. It makes sense if he thinks he has a right to control you. After all, this is the ultimate proof that he's not in control. I know exactly why you want to leave--I couldn't take it either. My kids (I have two.) also were not happy with me. Mostly, they didn't want to deal with it. I recommend you not talk to them too much about it, beyond asking them to be as supportive of both of you as they can manage. You need to be able to enjoy life, and if he's anything like my ex, he's made that impossible by the way he acts. I even got him to sign a document saying he'd go to marriage counseling after I told him I wanted out. It never happened. I got six weeks of a "changed man", and then he went right back to his old ways. Get out now, and start rebuilding your life, and your relationship with your grown children.
There's no crime in wanting to be happy. I wish you peace and grace.

Answer 9

I am right there with you - been married 15 yrs - still have young children - my husband is extremely controllling - I don't work - can't have friends he badmouths anyone I like and throws"tantrums" whenever I want to do anything besides take care of the kids.. I haven't left because I have no where to go and no means to support myself but I say to you: GO GO GO since you can - you know how unhealthy it is and he has allready deystroyed his life by being the way it is - you aren't responsible for that!!!! Be strong and run my sister!!!!

Answer 10

He has just had the rug pulled out from under him. You have had lots of time to get used to the idea and have gone through all the emotional stuff regarding your decision. He, however, was just blindsided with this. Of course he's acting unstable. His life/world as he knows it has just collapsed.

If I were you, I would go with him to marriage counseling.

Your marriage may be beyond repair, but the counseling will help him deal with everything that is going on and will also help him come to terms with his individual issues (anger, etc).