My friend is in shock and in denial. She really believes homosexuality is a moral crime and cannot stop blaming herself.
Before you judge, here are other facts. She is a divorcee, but has kept good relations with ex. Both parents were involved in loving care, so no troubled household issues. Re: financial situation: Daughter is independent---my friend is also wealthy in her own right.
To complicate matters---my friend's daughter is thinking of moving in with her partner and they are planning to adopt a child. What really freaks out my friend is her daughter keeps referring to herself as "Jack" or "Husband" in her new household. Don't know if "Jack" is a usual term or her (daughter's) attempt at humor.
2006-08-02 04:39:23 · 23 answers · asked by paanbahar 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
There is nothing wrong with being gay or a lesbian. Sure, God doesn't like it, but gay and lesbian people are really no different than anyone else except for the gender of people they are attracted to. You cannot "become" gay by either bad or good parenting, it's just something you're born with. Your child is not hellspawn or something like that if they are gay. Her daughter did not become a lesbian because your friend got divorced or anything like that. You should tell your friend to get over herself, her daughter is still the same person she always was, the only change is she likes to screw other women, and she should accept her daughter for who she is because that is what decent people do. If she really can't accept her daughter as a lesbian, well then that's up to her and her daughter to fight out, you can't force your friend to accept her daughter as a lesbian any more than you can change the fact that her daughter is a lesbian. You can give advice, but ultimately your friend has to make up her own mind, right or wrong.
2006-08-02 04:49:37 · answer #1 · answered by Isis-sama 5 · 2⤊ 5⤋
You know it would be a "Moral Crime" for your friend to deny & not accept or respect her Daughter's choices.
It would waste time & life (you will NEVER get these back) should she choose to remove herself from the situation.
There is no judgement call to be made here only love & acceptance. What is to be judged anyway, the fact that a girl has choosen to live her life and it does not follow the "norm", it's just plain old wrong (what if she really does feel more masculine?), or even worse (on a more selfish note) is your friend concerned about society?
Life is a personal journrey for us all. No one does everything right & who know's what right for anyone else. All we can do is love accept or look away... but looking away from Family ususally results more tragedy.
Maybe it's a phase. Maybe this is test for your friend more so than the Daughter. If the girl knows what she wants & is happy (it shows) then that is HER LIFE. People "come out" all the time it's not really that big of deal. The only time it is ever a big deal is when the person at hand is ashamed or made to feel ashamed (you can only deny who you are, not how you think for so long) and/or the Family makes a big deal.
So should the girl just do as her Mother says? Deny the fact that she doesn't like men. Maybe sex with a man doesn't suit her and makes her feel in some way "not natural". Being gay is far beyond a feeling. It is just the way some of are made. I am not gay but I did wish to understand whatever I could because I have alot of gay friends... The Discovery Channel has many medical shows on the matter & it will suprise you know the TRUTH. It sets you free... There are NO JUDGEMENTS to be made here.
So now does your friend just cling to her teaching & what she believes? Most of the time it doesn't do much but seperate. Is that better than love & acceptance? Hmm? What if the Daughter said ok, I am not gay (a lie) would that make it all better? Wonder what a wonderful & fulfilling life to live a "LIE".
It's not complicated.
There are judgements to be made.
Are you a Christian? Does your denial make you a better follower of Christ... or just concerned about your church.
OH, sounds like the attempt to control & force ways a life sound a little like you friend is making her Daughter's life about her. And that just doesn't make sense.
GOD loves us no matter what.
JESUS saves us.
The slate is cleaned EVERYDAY!
GET OVER YOURSELF or lose time & life with Daughter here on Earth because she didn't measure up, she did it wrong, or whatever you want to tell yourself to support your thoughts & feelings. Whatever lies ahead after this life, God only really knows but do you think we are here to waste this life. Is your friend's denial going to help? If it don't, simply remind her your are probably going to love your Daughter all her life no matter what anyways. The more she loves & accepts her Daughter, the more (Mom's) the feelings will vanish.
Pray... not for what you want but for what is right. Don't let opinions & beliefs sneak in there, keep an open heart & mind and you will be given PEACE.
2006-08-02 05:22:51 · answer #2 · answered by SuperPrincess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you'll get all sorts of answers and some might be pretty mean, too. But I think the thing here is to put yourself in the mom's position. Here she is a highly moral individual and her daughter just announces the very thing that the mom goes against. Mom has two choices 1) love her daughter unconditionally and agree to disagree about her life style or 2) have nothing more to do with her daughter. I would suggest going with #1. If she is a religious woman point her to the Love Chapter in the Bible. I believe it's Chapt 13 in 1 Corinthians or 2 Corinthians. Love is unconditional. She doesn't have to agree with her daughter's choices nor does she have to like her daughter's partner. But if they chose to bring a child into this world either through artificial insemination or to adopt....that will be her grandchild regardless of HOW this child was created or who this child's parents are. I hope she will not turn away from her daughter. However, the daughter needs to allow her mom time to absorb this information as well. Don't force the issue on Mom. Let her tackle it as best she can! I hope it all works out.
2006-08-02 06:43:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure what your question is. It is not YOUR problem obviously and we do not know what culture your friend is. From your name and other questions you have asked, I take it you are from a different culture than English. That is fine but still...it does pose a slight difficulty in giving advice. Here is the best I can do.
Sexual orientation is not a factor of how the child was reared or what the culture around them is. Sexual orientation seems right now to be biological. That is, it is something nothing your girlfriend can do anything about. It is not her responsibility. She did nothing "wrong."
I do get that the daughter is taking a small bit of delight in puncturing her mother's balloon of self-righteousness. That business of being the husband or "Jack" is a bit over the top just to show mother how different her daughter is. Obviously this is now a point where both strong-willed women are differencing themselves. And it must hurt. Deeply.
Yes, the daughter has the right to live with and how she chooses. And the mother has to own her own feelings about it. I doubt that those feelings will change overnight. Just saying "get over it, Mom, I am a lesbian" is going to heal anything. It will take work on both their parts.
If they can find something like Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG) and get some counselling to ease communication, it would be helpful. Neither one is going to change much. If they do not open up some very basic communication about still loving each other, your friend is going to lose a daughter and a grandchild. And her daughter will lose her mom. That is VERY important. How someone treats their mom is indicative of how they will treat their female partner.
Just my take on things. Best of luck and hugs all around.
2006-08-02 05:03:28 · answer #4 · answered by NeoArt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It can be hard for parents to come to terms with a daughter or son being a lesbian, bisexual, or gay, but in the end they just need more information on the subject and time to think about it.
Her daughter adopting a child with her girlfriend means that they must have a pretty stable relationship and be thinking long-term of being together. This is a good thing. To find someone and be happy and want to start a family.
You should take your friend to a PFLAG meeting (parents for lesbians and gays) and so she can get info and support. Maybe even buy her a book on the issue so that she can read it on her own terms. Go to the PFLAG site, they have good info on this.
http://www.pflag.org/Getting_Support-Coming_Out.coming_out.0.html
2006-08-02 04:54:03 · answer #5 · answered by MindStorm 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
PFlag can help your friend with issues surrounding the situation. And some couples find it necessary to set dominant/submissive roles or boundaries in a relationship so this maybe why the 'Jack' name pops up. I am not familar with the success of gays adopting, but there is artificial insemination options and I personally know of a very inexpensive one that is reliable.
2006-08-02 05:11:19 · answer #6 · answered by midnightdealer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
so if u ask about your gf isnt she a lesbian too?? I am sooo confused by your question, or lack of question...but she should be happy for her daughter that she is in a loving committed relationship, and blaming herself is going to get her no where...she needs to suck it up, and be there for her daughter no matter what. Her being a lesbian has nothing to do with her being from a divorced family, or how much she did or did not have.
2006-08-02 21:03:22 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason PFLAG started was literally for a support group for parents. I like to offer that as a resource to people, but I don't really know too much about what they actually do at meetings and such. You could point her to the APA's statement, and point out that all scientific research says that at very least, it's not her fault, and that furthermore it's not really her daughter's fault either. Family counseling could be good too.
2006-08-02 17:26:23 · answer #8 · answered by Atropis 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only place in the bible that says anything about the subject is the old testament. When Jesus came, he taught us to love. He also freed us from "the law". The only reason the old testament is even included in the bible is for historical purposes. It was contemplated that it would be left out all together because of situations like this. Did you know also that originally, only the clergy had access to the bible. This was so interpretations were not twisted like they are today.
2006-08-02 04:45:36 · answer #9 · answered by imtami75 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your very devout, meddling, judgmental and closed minded divorcee girlfriend needs to stop being so selfish and understand it is her daughters life.
Pestering her daughter about her choices and then telling you about it and then you telling the world via computer about it is more of a moral crime.
2006-08-02 04:51:26 · answer #10 · answered by murkglider 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋