What to do? I moved with my husband and am misserable!!?

Question

I have been married for 10years, my husband has wanted to move where he was origianlly from, and I finally agreed, I have lived here for 1 year and a half and I hate it. I have epilepsy which keeps me from driving, and three children and I hae not had a break in 10 months, I have not had a romantic dinner, a night out with the girls nothing, I know 2 people here, and I never get to see them because I have no one to watch the kids, my husband however goes to play poker, once a week, gets to go out to have dinner with the guys, and have a beer, normal things that give him a break. I have bit my tongue about this and tried to be the good wife, and I feel like I am going insane!! I have tried to discuss this with my husband, but his response is why do you want to whine and complain about it, I can't change the situation and you wanted the kids, so deal with it. I really don't think I am being crazy, or selfish, any suggestions or answers would be great!!!!

Answer 1

FIRST OFF, HE is the one that is selfish, not you.. All I can say is that you tried and kudos to you for that. I am in a similar situation getting ready to move with my husband and daughter 3000 miles away from everyone I know, as he is too however his move is for his career not his family.. I have a bit of a fear of doing this for he acts the same as your husband, and I am prepared for that, but feel that I owe my marriage a chance to survive this move, I already have told myself that if things do not change around for us, including him then I am leaving and coming back home to my home state where my REAL family is. If i were you and you tried to talk to him and he is reacting this way, I WOULD be calling my FAMILY members and moving back home, where the real love and support is.. He got what he wanted and now you need to get what you want... BE BRAVE AND STRONG... BE YOURSELF..

Answer 2

It doesn't sound very fair to me :-( well since you moved to his hometown are there any relatives that could watch the kids while you get some time off?

I'm not sure how old your kids are - can you meet any other moms through their school or other activities? It seems like you need some kind of social outlet. And if you made friends with other moms you could trade off watching each others kids to get some time to yourself.

Your hubby needs to understand that you gave a big part of your life to move with him somewhere you didn't really want to move. Maybe he feels like since he pays the bills (I'm assuming you're a stay at home mom) that means he doesn't want to pitch in and help too. The children are a shared responsibility! It sounds like he is being a selfish jerk about it.

He got what he wanted by moving, but isn't willing to sacrifice any of his time to help make you feel like you're being supported and have a life there too. That's just not fair. He should agree to giving you at least an afternoon off once a week, I'd think!

Maybe also talk to your husband about a regularly scheduled date night. Maybe it's only once every other week - but it's a night where you two spend time together without the kids.

Answer 3

First, make sure you find a way to have some $ in your pocket, $75 should do it. Research it and find a nice restaurant lounge where you'll feel safe. Then after dinner some night dress up nice, but NOT like a hoochie, call a cab and when it arrives tell your husband you're going out for the sake of your mental health. Tell him you've left him a note with instructions on how and when to put the kids to bed and scoot out the door before a fight can ensue. Stay out until at least 10:00 but not later than midnight. I don't know if you drink, but either way I wouldn't at all. That way you won't be at a disadvantage when you return home. He's got you under his enormous thumb and knows it - you need to give him something to think about - and he'll have plenty of time to think while you are out. If you're not comfortable going to a lounge by yourself, go to a movie - ANYTHING - you deserve it for crying out loud, stop being a prisoner.

Answer 4

No, you are not selfish or crazy.
He sounds like he has control issues. He needs to be in control of everything, even you. You have allowed yourself to be trapped in a corner, and now you are feeling regret.
You are teaching your children that this is ok, what normal adult people do. And you are showing them that a marriage should be miserable, rather than a satisfied partnership.
Best advice: Give him an ultimatum. Either you two move to somewhere where you BOTH have a network and equal access to what you need, or you are moving on. You need to do this for yoursself, and your kids. You need to model for them a show of strength.....
Your husband doesn't seem too concerned with your dissatisfaction, and appears to be quite condescending. Do not accept that from him. Don't let your kids see you back down and accept that in fromt of them.
People get so wrapped up in their own fears about making a move, that they continue to spin their wheels in a miserable place. They forget that they have kids, soo they need to be aware what kind of messages their behavior sends them. They stay married, unhapily, "for the kids", which is a mistake, and also an excuse to avoid the discomfort of having to be courageous and make a move toward happiness and satisfaction.
Don't be like that. Step up to the plate. It will be hard, and scary, but do it anyway. You need to do it for your kids.
Take care!

Answer 5

You wanted the kids, you agreed to move, so trying to long for your previous life is not going to help.
You have to learn to adapt to your new lifestyle, otherwise you will be miserable. Why don't you take the kids with you to see your friends?
I'm sure that there will be other mothers with kids that you can socialze with. Is there a playground close home? Talk to the other mothers while the kids play.
Plan family activities so you can all go together.
Exchange babysitting favors with other moms. That way, everybody will get a break and you can have a night out. Call a taxi when your husband refuses to drive you around. Of course, use his money to pay for it.

You have to adapt to your new surroundings. Good luck

Answer 6

When both of you are not irritated or anxious, the kids in bed, sit your husband down & talk with him. Tell him you aren't whining. You moved because he asked you. Now he has you prisoner & you don't like it. You didn't have those babies by yourself. Ask him what he wants you to do. You have health issues as well. He needs to step up & be a responsibile man & father.
Be prepared for the utlimate. He may tell you goodbye. Or he may just keep on treating you the way he is. Is this how you want to spend your life? Doesn't sound like it. You have some very serious decisions to make.

Answer 7

Why don't you just take the kids and go home and visit with your mom for a week or two. Maybe you could relax a little and find and old friend or two that you can talk things over with. I know this isn't much of an answer, but at least it's a start. Sounds like if you keep going on like this you're going to need counseling. Just call mom.

Answer 8

definitely need to talk to the hubby. reconsider the way you approached it. you don't want to make him feel guilty for going out or like he is doing something wrong. people don't like to feel like they are wrong.. human nature i guess. instead of "you go out every week and i haven't gone out once!" try, "hey babe, how about we get a baby sitter this weekend and go out to dinner and a movie?" but don't do it on his poker night.. you don't want him to think you are robbing his "friend time" from him. even though you can't drive, can you take the kids for walks? do you go to church? grocery shopping? etc? why don't you use those as opportunities to get to know people.. even say hi to the neighbors. make some cookies and deliver them to your closest neighbors. great way to meet people. you CAN meet more people if you try, i promise. and, if you can, get a part time job. even if the money you make is only enough to cover child care, you get out of the house and a break from the kids. even if it's only 1-2 days a week.. and a simple, easy job. you will feel better. you can use public transportation or taxi service. this will also help you meet people.

your story reminds me a lot of how my mom was growing up. don't worry, you aren't being crazy, selfish, or anything like that. you have feelings and needs to! you just gotta be more proactive! get what you want! it's not healthy for your relationship with your husband or your children for you to be 1/2 crazy and stressed all the time because you are all work no play...

good luck!

Answer 9

You are not being slefish. Maybe next time you discuss this with him, stay calm, and do not whine or cry. let him know you are serious and you feel lonely and bored. Tell him that you are okay with moving here, but you need time out with your friends too! Have him stay at home some nights with the kids so you can go out with friends. Or start a kids play date group where you can let your kids play and the moms can enjoy eachothers company. Be active and speak up!

Answer 10

I think it's time to move on. This guy is single, but has someone doing his laundry, taking care of the kids, making his meals, etc. Sure he works all day and makes the money, but a family is just that a family and it sounds like he's an extra in your family not a participant.

You can try a therapist - together, but this guy sounds like a tool so it probably won't work.

Life is hard, kids make your life even harder, we all need a break or we will break.