Ok I know my wife suffers from depression, What can I do for me?

Question

I have tried for 2 years to get her to a place to help her with her problems with no luck. I have made appointments with her and she won't go. Anyway after 2 years of dealing with this I am feeling resentful toward her,my temper is getting short from inaducate rest ( I work 60 plus hours a week do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning ect) and am getting to the point where I don't care about anything. What can I do to help myself? My boss won't let me go to see a shrink, I figure it might be worth it but not at the cost of my job. My friends and family say to leave her as it is really starting to drag me down, but I do deeply love her and the childern. I have been reminded repeatedly they aren't my childern ( she had all 5 before I met her 4 live at home) but to me they are My childern and there is no way I will leave them alone with her and she would never agree to let me have custody. What can I do to avoid feeling trapped and losing hope with the situation ? Help!!!

Yes she knows she has a problem just not interested in any help. Yes she lays around alot doing nothing but watching TV. The reason my boss is concerned is I work Mon-Fri 7:30 to 6:00 pm we are a small shop so we would not have any sales person if I left so far have not found anyone to do an evaluation in the PM. I have let articles on depression for her to read but she is not interested in getting better. I have checked with an attorney and would have to prove she is unfit to get custody of the childern as long as her sister doesn't want them. The lag time it would take to get to court would make it unbearable to leave the childern with her alone.

Answer 1

Well I would first like to say, that depression will definitely cause her to feel this way and you feel so bad that you do not want to do anything to help yourself or anyone else! She seriously needs medication, but how to get her to go? Other than physically dragging her, I would try talking to someone she listens to such as her mother, best friend etc. Also if that does not work, try talking to the doctor, maybe you could convince him to make a house call or you could have her somehow checked into the hospital to see what is wrong with her!
You absolutely have got to get her some help, with the kids and you doing everything you can, I think she has given up hope and she may try to hurt herself or someone else!


I am getting the feeling that all she does is lay around or sleep alot? Does she have a job? Does she do anything at all? As hard as it may be after all this time, please just love her and be there for her!

I know how very tired you must be always having everything to do! Also, you might want to see a doctor yourself, at the very least he could give you something to help you cope with what is happening and also give you advice about your wife!

I would definitely NOT leave her, you never know if she is suicidal! I know how hard it is and how much you want to give up, but please don't, if you can get her some help you will not believe the change in her and then maybe you guys can be happy again!

I wish you the best of luck and all my prayers! Trust me, I know all this from personal experience, I suffer from depression and my best friend, her sister and my husband! If you need any more advice or need to talk, you can email me at: [e-mail] God bless you all!

Answer 2

WHOA!!! What a difficult situaiton, poor you. You remind me of myself, being married and doing the majority of the work around the house while you also work full time.

Anyways, love is indeed strong and I understand you not wanting to let go of her. However, you have to think about yourself, and your sanity as well. I know this may be making you have a huge guilt trip too, seeing that she has 4 kids, but you have to think of the fact that by not helping herself, she is not helping YOU either. You can still offer a bit of monetary support to your wife and leave at the same time, just make sure you report what you give her and the kids via the proper authorities so she won't try and get more in the courts if she feels vengeful. You could even use the courts to show how "unfit" she is as a mother and get full custody until she proves otherwise.

Another thing: I too suffer from common bouts of severe depression. In my situation I'm the breadwinner of the house, while my husband works part-time because he can't find a full time job and I do a huge part of the household chores. However I am DETERMINED to change for the sake of my own sanity. Your wife is still conscious, and if she really wants to change, she will. You've already gave your all, now it's time to give her an ultimatum: "Get help and help our family or I'm leaving!"

Oh, and make sure she takes vitamins too. Here's a link about vitamin deficiency being lead to some depressive episodes, and which ones do the trick to stop it:

http://depression.about.com/cs/diet/a/vitamin.htm

Answer 3

Your boss shouldn't have a say in whether you go to a shrink or not. Mental health is covered under healthcare, and your boss cannot legally deny you heathcare. My shrink mostly keeps evening hours, as do many therapists. Either keep looking until you find a therapist with evening or Saturday hours, or find a new job.

If your lawyer is telling you that you can't file for custody of the kids, then your lawyer sucks. Did you legally adopt the kids? If so, you can file for custody. If you are going to be in any way obligated to pay for child support, you can file for custody. If the kids are old enough to decide who they want to live with, then try ASKING them if they want to stay with you. Also, if your wife refuses to seek help, then she may not have any official means of proving that she suffers from debilitating depression instead of just plain laziness. You have to prove a disability in court. Find a better lawyer.

Answer 4

oh honey i know how u feel my bf mom was going through the same exact thing and she would not for the life of her admit she had an issue, she wouldn't see a doctor or anything, so my bf and i went to see her she lived on the other side of the country,and lived with her daughter and her family, anyway it was terring the family apart just like u discribed it, so she would not eat or do anything for herself, and would not see a doctor, we called social services, and they came and saw how she was less than 90 pounds they were horrified, so they automaticaly called an ambulance and took her to the hospital (this is the second time, she had done treatment before but stoped the meds and relapsed) so they put her on meds and it did not work, so they did SHOCK THERAPY on her and after a couple sessions she snaped out of it like nothing ever happened now, shes home to her back self, but on meds to help her chemical imbalance. so u sound like a really really nice guy and i know what ur going thorugh trust me i saw it happen and i was there, but u sound like u love ur wife and YOUR childreen, so dont give up just keep trying, and remember that u did this for better or for worse and she needs u the most now, so try whatever u can to get her on meds, ok and everything will be great again, leaving someone in need like this is just wrong. i know its frustrating, but honestly if she does suffer from depression she doesn't know whats going on, shes like in a daze so good luck and dont give up on her i can tell u still love her and the kids

Answer 5

Wow. *hugs* Unfortunately you cannot help someone that isn't willing to help themselves. You need emotional support as well and she obviously isn't giving it to you. Her children have to know she is depressed as well. Don't they say anything to her? I know you work a lot of hours but you need some YOU time. Have the kids help with the cleaning or just let it slide a bit. Go to the gym, go for a walk, make a doctor's appointment and GO. Your boss cannot stop you from going to a regular M.D. Talk to the Doc, they will probably give you an RX for some anti depressants. Good luck to you. to marry a woman with these issues AND 5 kids, you have to be an amazing man.

Answer 6

You are a atrong loving man. I really commend you for trying to cope and keep your family together.
You can get some self-help books to help youc ope with a partner that suffers from depression. Has she ever been diagnosed by a doctor?
It's on your best interest to have a therapy session AS A COUPLE. You both can go, If she is unconfortable going to a shrink, then you can go to a family couselor, a pastor or a rabbi. Go together, as pointing fingetrs and placing blame is not going to help.
Good luck

Answer 7

First thing you are a good man. Sounds like you really meant the vows when you took them. I would just talk to her and keep at it. Tell her you love her and remind her that this depression might not be her fault. Your wife is lucky to have you! You are a true man of ur word. Keep faith and if she won't go, tell ur boss you have to go. Simply, tell him you are having family problems and you need to get some help. I strongly recommend that you do this. Us women just like you men can get depressed. It could be a lot of things from being depressed since she had children. To something from her childhood. I have felt this way myself. In order to be a good parent and husband you have to get some help for ur self first! I wish you nothing but the best...in the future.

Answer 8

My mom suffers from deppression and it took her a LONG time to seek help and to get what she needed. . .St. John's wart helps for a little bit, but not for long. . .it took my mom hitting rock botom and threaghting suicide before she really got the help she needed. . .now she is on a GOOD anti deppresant and sees a shrink to help her work through any problems. If she won't go on her own then maybe you should talk to your doctor and see if there is anything that you can do. YOu may have to trick her into going or take her yourself to a shrink or a doctor. If you can't do it ask one of your good friends to do it. If your job wont allow it then take a vacation and do it then. It sounds like this is stressing you out and you need help with the house hold duties. . .maybe look into hiring a maid or a person to do light cleaning and laundry. please contact me if you need any help [e-mail]

Answer 9

You need to see a therapist to help you. Why does your boss have any say at all about what you do in your personal life? That's just weird and doesn't sound even remotely right. Your boss can't "let you" or "not let you." Why would they even know about it or know when you went? Do they have control over your life for some bizarre reason? Get professional help before the situation explodes.

Answer 10

Conduct an intervention. Gather up people who you respect and who care about you as a couple to a meeting and gently confront her. The idea is that everyone should be on the same page and tell her that she has no choice, and needs to get help in order to preserve the family. You might want the clergy involved.