10 POINTS! to the person who has the funniest joke?

Question

I want to laugh plz.

Answer 1

A man walks into a talent agency and asks to see the man in charge. After bickering with the secretary for a few minutes, she sighs heavily and lets the man in. The man steps up to the talent agent and says, "Have I got an act for you!"

The agent thinks, "Oh Lord, here we go," but says, "OK, let's see it."

The man begins. "My wife, my son, my daughter, and I walk out on stage and strip naked. I eat my wife out while my son porks his sister. Our dog comes on stage and humps my son while he's hosing his sister. A donkey comes on and kicks me out of the way so he can screw my wife. I put my diick up the donkey's @ss and start humping it. I go in-out, in-out to the rhythm of the donkey's hee-haw, hee-haw. My son crawls around his sister and takes the dog with him because they're now locked up. My son puts his dick in his mother's mouth while my daughter whips out a strap-on and screws me up the @ss. We're like a big chain of Lego's. After everyone comes, we all shiit onstage and proceed to breakdance on the slick floor. While spinning around, we all piss and synchronize it so that we make a glorious golden fountain which hoses off the stage at the same time."

The talent agent is flaberghasted. It's the best act he's heard of his whole life! He leans forward and intently asks the man, "What's this act called?"

The man throws his arms up and shouts, "The Aristocrats!"

Answer 2

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the
men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie
came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the
hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After
a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going
to have to piss in the boat."

Answer 3

A girl is out clubbin n picks up a hot guy. Back at her place she finds no matter what she does this hot boy can't get wood coz he's drank too much. He offers her a substitute, his big toe. She rides his big toe and even has an orgasm.

The next week the guy notices his toe is itchy and skin is peelin off. He goes to the Doc and explains what he did last week. Upon examination the Doc finds the guy has Gonarrhea of the big toe. He prescribes an ointment and sends the guy on his way.

On the way out the guy says to the Doc, "Wow! Gonarrhea of the big toe, that must be really rare, right?". "Yes", the Doc replies, "But not as rare as the girl who came in this morning with 'Athletes ****'!

Hhahhahhahahahahhahahahahhahhahahaaa. Blaaaaarrrrrrgh.

Answer 4

Here it is...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke. (Full story)

People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

"Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

"The hunters joke contained all three elements."

Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

Answer 5

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"


What's red and furry and tackles people?

Tackle Me Elmo!


YOU might BE a REDNECK you might be a redneck if you go to your washing machine for money.

How can you tell a blond has been working at a computer?
There is white out all over the screen.

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- they don't want to be enlightened!

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam!


THERE YOU GO!

Answer 6

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Answer 7

I don't know that I can compete with the first joke, but, here goes:

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

Answer 8

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Answer 9

While watching a football game a few weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Answer 10

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!