Doeas anyone know anyone know any kool VERY VERY FUNNY SICK JOKES ????

Question

I WAQNT SOME REALLY GOOD ANSERES 2 SO MAKE THEM COUNT

Answer 1

Here are some....

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!...

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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A woman always wanted an expensive car: a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years' income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-***, dream mobile. She's driving off, decides she wants some music and searches for the radio.
The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. She tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. "It's hooked into the onboard computer. All you have to do is tell it what you want." He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.

"click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....

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A young boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.Ó

1) I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
2) Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government.
3) We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4) The nanny we'll call the Working Class.
5) Let's call your baby brother the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy then goes to his parents' room and finds his sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He then gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I now
understand politics.Ó

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is about.Ó

"The little boy replies "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the
future's in Deep $hit."

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Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one-second each time a lie is told." Special attention was
given to two clocks.

The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.

Hillary asked "Where is Bills' clock"? St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in
His office...He is using it as a ceiling fan".

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SIMILARITIES BETWEEN NIXON AND CLINTON....

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

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One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

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She was a blonde

-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
-

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More Blonde Jokes

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture!

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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...N...

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Did you hear about the blonde that...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2.Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red
light.

16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"

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Problem:

Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.

So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"

The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping.

Problem solved.

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One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.

"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them.

"They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.

A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze.

As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw.

"Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.

"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, please turn her over - I'd rather have a puppy".

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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Answer 2

A farmers wife was giving birth to their first child one stormy night.
The weather was so bad and the rain so heavy, that the bridge to town was washed out preventing the Dr. from getting to the farm to assist with the delivery.
Luckily, the telephone lines were working and the farmer was able to use the phone.
On the phone the Dr. assured the farmer that he could do it. Why it was no different than when a cow gave birth to a calf and the farmer had helped with that many times.
The farmer, now confident, went about the business of birthin' the baby.
The next day was bright and sunny. The Dr. was able to get to the farm by driving around the long way.
The Dr. arrived, examined the mother and the baby. He came out of the room and told the farmer that he had done a fine job,
He asked the farmer if he had had any problems with the delivery.
The farmer answered that the delivery part went just fine but he had one hell of a time getting his wife to eat the afterbirth.

Answer 3

between the funniest became this guy who became about 60, he appeared like a homeless individual yet extremely had an section to stay. He of direction had some psychological subject matters (yet i'm not making relaxing of that). He walked all round and appeared completely satisfied. I pronounced him in a delightful's ice cream parlor in the destiny sitting on the counter. He became ingesting an ice cream cone, had all of it over his face, moustache, beard, and it basically appeared so lovable because he did not care, he became basically lovin' it!

Answer 4

I know a harsh joke. I really ugly lady walks into a store, with two children. The shop keeper asks, "Oh are they twins?" The lady replies no the girls 2 and the boys 4 why do you ask? He replies "I just didn't think you could possibly get laid twice".

Answer 5

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Answer 6

just look in the mirror there a sick joke staring at you

Answer 7

who would win in a fight? michael jackson or 50 cent? michael jackson cuz 50 cent wouldnt hit a girl!!!!! lol

Answer 8

unfortunately yes

Answer 9

u have to im me it's not fit for posting

Answer 10

what did the snail say when he was on a roller coaster?
yeah!!!! hey! its the best i got

Answer 11

mine's so sick i have to email it...stand by and do NOT post it!