Can my 4 y/o daughter from another mother sleep in the bed with me and my wife?

Question

My daughter lives with her mother(she has legal custody), her grandparents, her aunt and her cousin in a 3 bedroom house. She does not have her own room. My daughter is therefore so accustomed to sleeping in the same bed as so many other people tha she refuses to sleep in her own room and her own bed. She continually throws fits over sleeping in her room and sneaks in the middle of the night at the foot of my bed with me and my wife. I heard that in New York State that a child cannot sleep in the same bed as anyone except a parent. Would i get in trouble for her sleeping in my bed with me and my wife? My daughter has mentioned that she slept in our bed once to her mom and her mother got so furious but i responded that it's basically her fault for not providing for her a bed of her own and a room as I have. Do I let her just sleep in my bed with me and my wife? I am not willing to compromise by not sleeping with my pregnant wife. I will not let my wife sleep alone.

I am willing to teach her to sleep on her own but i don't think that my work will be consistent when she goes back to her mom's house where she's still being allowed to sleep with other people. I totally feel she shoudl have been on her own since she was 5 months old until her mother came back from iraq and screwed that up. This has been a very long term issue that i just can't seem to get straightened out with only 4 days per month. No child can learn something this big in only 4 days per month so spread out like that. I think it needs to be done by her mother. Should i bring this issue up in court to the law guardian and judge in my next month's appearance? And is this not being allowed to be sleeping with step parents really a law?

Thank you all for your answers i didn't think i'd get 20 answers in a half hour and i expect i'll be getting more. I just want to add that i'm also tired of breaking all my daughter's bad habits because of her mother's irresponsibility. Like I said earlier, I had already taught my daughter to sleep on her own when she lived with me while her mother was in Iraq for a year. But after she came back and took back custody, she put her back on all her 1 and 2 year old bad habits that i had to take a year to break. I'm just exhausted with it. it was so much easier to get her to sleep at 2 years old because she'd actually get so tired of fighting with me. I also just don't have the motivation to be stern with her while i do need my sleep these days and I feel like just letting things like this slide. I"m just pissed off that she's 4 year's old with this problem. She used to also know her ABC's and count to 30 when she was 1.5 years. She also had to relearn that this past year. Totally pissed..

Answer 1

Check with your lawyer first. Then tell your four-year-old that you have to sleep in the middle. And make sure you are very well covered.

Answer 2

What compromise? This is a 4-year-old child, why should she be controlling your life to the point that not sleeping with your pregnant wife is something you'd even mention? Why don't you put a baby gate up in the doorway of her room so she can't get out? You shouldn't legally get in trouble for her sleeping in your bed with you and your wife, but why would you want her to sleep in your bed? If your wife is pregnant, is it really safe to have a 4-year-old crowding the bed and maybe flailing around? My youngest sister was sleeping in my parent's bed and once accidentally kicked my mother's belly when she was pregnant and my mom lost the baby. That's not exactly the best situation for your wife. Also, why does your ex have custody of the child? She doesn't sound like she can afford to properly care for the child as she is living in a 3 bedroom house with most of her family. I'd really be concerned about why your daughter doesn't have her own room, at the very least her own bed. She's at an age where having her own bed really isn't an option, it's a must.

Answer 3

Not an easy question to answer....
I would say that your daughter really should have her own room in her regular house. You have a good point about her not having developed the ability to sleep alone. Does she have her own bed at her mother's house? If so, you could put a temporary (but not too comfortable) bed for her in your room and tell her that if she needs to come into your room in the night, she needs to sleep in that bed. Hopefully, she would eventually prefer the more comfortable bed she has in her room.

I am a single mother, and in the summer both of my kids (4 and 6) sleep with me to be in the air conditioning, so I don't see anything wrong with young kids sleeping with their parents often (but not always). In your situation I think it best that she not sleep with you or your new spouse, especially with a baby on the way. She could unconsciously use it to manipulate you, and especially with the new baby on the way, things could get complicated.

Good luck, and whatever you decide, take it easy, don't make a big issue with a 4 year-old that may just need a little reassurance to become more independent when she is ready.

Answer 4

Your daughter may be 4yrs,but they have adapted her to a lifestyle that she has to have someone in the room w/her or sleep in the same bed! If your wife does not mind there really should not be a problem,but the longer she's allowed to do this the harder it will be to have her accept that she has her own room and needs to sleep alone!There also might be a problem when the newborn arrives because that's something she's gonna have to adapt to as well!My solution is put her to bed (you or your wife) read her a bed time story and when she falls asleep tuck her in and go on to your room,and if she wakes up in the night politely escort her back to her room encouraging her and comforting her. You can also offer little rewards to her by telling her if she sleeps alone you will give her a surprise! Better break the habit now,because if youy don't you'll wish you had. My sister has an 11yr daughter and she still refuses to sleep in her own room,because she knows her mother will give in and let her sleep in her room!(the dad abandoned them when my neice was 3weeks) I wish you the best of luck,and there is a solution to every problem!

Answer 5

I don't think you can get into trouble for having a child sleep in your bed if your not doing anything wrong. Your exwife is upset because she feels threatened. You might want your daughter to get use to sleeping in her own bed because it can become a hard habit to quit plus it will take the intamacy right out of the marriage. Talk to your daughter tell her that she cannot sleep in your bed any longer and that she is a big girl.

Answer 6

I don't know the law, but I don't see a problem with her sleeping with the two of you. On the other hand, if Mom has a bf sleeping in the same bed as your daughter, I'd have a conniption fit, because there is no telling what is going through his mind. In Kansas the child has to have its own bed, in a bedroom. If NY is like Ks, things might backfire on your exwife.

Answer 7

You should break this custom of hers very soon. I dont know what the laws are there but I do know that your daughter is old enough to know that when she throws a fit her parents give in to her. That is why she does it. Dont let her still sleep with you both. If this continues to happen what is to come of when the baby arrives and she is still sleeping in you bed. Your wife is going to need that bed to not be so crowed when she brings that new one home.

Answer 8

Well, it isn't a good idea for children to sleep with their parents. They should sleep by themselves to learn to be independent. She is only 4, however, and if she needs to cuddle up because she's insecure, I'd cuddle with her until she falls asleep and then take her to her own bed. If she comes to your bed. I'd take her back to her own bed and stay with her awhile until she falls back asleep. After awhile, this pattern will stop and she'll be fine. It may take some time since she's not yet used to it.

Answer 9

Think of the situation like this. If you were the girl's mother and you had a new husband, would it be okay to let your daughter sleep with you both? I would break her of this habit. As for her throwing fits ... she is just manipulating you to get what she wants, and it's working.

Answer 10

Hmmm by 4 she should have separated from her mother and yourself and have her own identity you should buy her a bed of her own for her mothers place. And maybe you should get her a big teddy name it and let her sleep with it in your house...she needs to sleep alone it's normal.

Answer 11

Train the child to stay in her own bed. The age is appropriate to sleep in her own room. Take her back to her own bed when she gets up. Shame on your ex.