I dont want to hurt either women. I feel I am very good to both of them. Especially the one I am marrying. Both women live in different towns. Neither knows the other. Both seem very happy when Im around. I have a well rounded, physcally responsible household with my future wife. A great relationship in every concievable way except for the fact that I am not fully sexually satisfied. The other woman provides the missing link I feel I need in my life. Ive carried this side relationship on for almost 2 years now without anyone knowing. But now that marriage is around the corner... I am becoming increasingly scared of hurting either woman. I feel I absolutely cannot break it off either way. And I feel like things are fine the way they are. Is it neccesary to stop? I know its the moral thing to do, but both women are in love with me. I feel like its a qaugmire I cannot get out of. And Ive never been the type of person to enjoy hurting anyone. Should I just keep things the way they are?
2006-08-01 13:16:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
it is so perfectly possible to do so....
BUT....if ya do get cught out....
ya know it's gunna hit the fan...
It is good that two women find you so adorable and lovable now you know how desirble you are, you don't actually need to have two women telling you so....
what are these women like?
Are they possibly the kind of women who may consider a polyamory mrriage?
The flipside of that is that they my in turn wish to each take on a partner other than you and may become less availble to you. But of course it does mean if they agreed to this arrangement you could of course have your cake and eat it too, but it is only fair if they can do the same.
Unless of course both of these women happen to be bisexual and would agree to a threeway relationship then of course you could get what you want and not be dishonest about it and everyone could be happy.
2006-08-01 16:45:12 · answer #1 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Is it possible to not get caught? Of course.
Is it advisable? Probably not. If you married one but thought of the other as your mistress it's basically using a small bandage for a big problem. Love and lust are not the same thing. That is what you are finding out. Some people try to make sex = love or love = sex but that isn't the way it goes. Don't bother marrying the woman you love. That is doomed to become a divorce. Find a woman you actually can see on both a sexual and friendly level and marry HER. Unless of course you have a madonna-whore complex, then only therapy can help you.
(Remember. Marriage is just a legal arrangement of a forced friendship. There could be no sexual tension between a couple and still be married. Essentially closest friends but would never think of each other sexually.)
2006-08-01 21:18:29 · answer #2 · answered by deusdenton 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let's examine every possible outcome.
You marry your fiancée. You sleep with the other woman. You get caught. Your wife will more than likely -not- find this acceptable behavior. At this point, you will either stop seeing the other woman, get a divorce, or tell your wife that you will stop and continue anyway. If you stop seeing the other woman, you and your wife will more than likely still have some problems, as she will know that she does not satisfy you sexually and that you were lying to her. If you divorce your wife, then you lose the person you love but can still sleep with the other woman as much as you want. If you tell your wife you won't see the other woman anymore and the two of you stay together but you do actually continue seeing the other woman, then the situation is neutral until you get caught again—and this time it will more than likely result in divorce.
Or — You marry your fiancée. You sleep with the other women. You never get caught. You are sexually satisfied, but then you have to live with knowing that you are lying to your wife (which is presumably not something you want to do, since you say you love her).
Or— You marry your fiancée. You never sleep with the other woman. You have a wonderful, loving relationship, but you are not sexually satisfied.
Or— You call it off with your fiancée. You sleep with the other woman. You are sexually satisfied, but you lose the loving relationship you have with your fiancée. Perhaps you might grow a loving relationship with the sexually satisfying woman.
Or— You call it off with your fiancée. You don't sleep with the other woman. You seek someone who is perfect as both a romantic and sexual partner.
As to what I advise... I would not recommend marrying your fiancée and sleeping with the other woman. Lies are, quite simply, never healthy (I should know—I'm queer and so lived the first part of my life lying to everyone). However, you really are already lying (if I understand the situation correctly)—your wife does not know that you are sleeping with the other woman (and the other woman might not know about your fiancée—I don't know; you didn't say). What you do is stop the lies as soon as possible. Basically, there's something you must decide: is your and your fiancée's love more important than sexual satisfaction, or is your sexual satisfaction more important? Once you decide that, you know which choice to make.
If I were in your situation (and this might not be the best course for you—all people are different), I would do come clean. Tell your fiancée that you have been sleeping with another woman and ask for her forgiveness (and if she dumps you, then I guess you're free to go for sexual satisfaction). Tell her that this is because you're not sexually satisfied. Tell her how she can sexually satisfy you (this may not be an option if she's unsatisfying because she's ugly, but it's fine if she's unsatisfying just because she's unimaginative in bed). Even though she already gave it (presuming you're still talking to her at this point), ask for her forgiveness again. It helps. She should appreciate your being honest with her, even though she will find the news upsetting and it may end your engagement. If she doesn't appreciate your honesty, it's obvious she didn't truly love you in the first place. And then, of course, you stop sleeping with the other woman (and do her the decency of explaining to her why).
It is impossible to get out of this situation without hurting anyone. Carrying the current situation on and continuing to lie about it hurts you and could quite easily end up hurting the two of them. Choosing your fiancée will hurt her (because you ought to come clean before you marry her) and will hurt the other woman (because you say she loves you). Choosing the other woman will hurt your wife. Put like that, I guess the way to hurt the fewest people is to choose the other woman—but is your love for your fiancée more important than that?
I hope whatever you choose works out for you.
2006-08-01 21:38:56 · answer #3 · answered by hynkle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly loved the one you are marrying, you wouldn't want to be with someone else. I am not trying to be mean, I have been in your situation, you will have to hurt someone eventually, and it may end up with you losing both women. You need to make a choice, what if your future wife was having "relations" with someone on the side too? If you are not completely satisfied, she may not be either. Marriage is a HUGE commitment and you should really break off one relationship now, before you lose both of them. Good luck with this,,,,,I know it is hard, but believe me, it will be easier now than after you have been married for a while and your wife finds out!
2006-08-01 20:24:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No because your going to have to make up lies to get to the other town.You don't enjoy hurting them? Well that is exactly what your doing.Those women aren't stupid,do you think they clueless?They at least has suspicions.You go out of town,once,twice or more a week,That's a red flag for at least one of them anyway.That's not having morals,that's satisfying your sexual needs.If you have any morals your gonna have to sacrifies that extra need you have to commit to the one you want to marry.Both are happy when your around.What happens when one wants more of your time and you can't give it to her because your with the other one?I'll tell you what's going to happen.One will find a way to find out were you're going and what your doing.The other will be so happy that you are around that she will be blinded by love,sex and just having more of you.around.Until the one that is curious about what your doing follows you or have you followed so that she can see exactly were your going,then calls or go to that house to confront both you and or the other woman.That when the real trouble begins.It may not work out just like this but it will confront you one way or another.You need to make a conscious decision on who your gonna be with and make the sacrifice of hurting the other.You say your not the type of person that likes hurting anyone.If that were true you would of gotten out of that quagmire a long time ago.How can you even think about marrying that woman when you already know you won't commit the vows you too will say to each other?Make up your mind player.
2006-08-01 23:18:23 · answer #5 · answered by Willnotlietoyou 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have to ask this question??Than you are not ready for marriage! If you continue with the marriage, and dont break off the relationship prior to getting married??Well, you said you dont want to hurt anyone right? Well, guess what? somebody is going to have to hurt..It could be the fiance..the girl you sleep with in the next town..or maybe even you for feeling like such an idiot when the one finds out about the other or maybe even both and you end up alone and hurt for trying to play 2 women out of selfish desires.Love does'nt cheat!
Call me crazy..but whats the point of getting married if you cant even figure out if you should stay with one or keep the piece of A on the side????..I just dont get cheaters.. It's just Sad, Sad, Sad!
Trust me..If you dont start to be honest to yourself and get married under false pretense..you wont be such a "happyguy"after all is said and done.
2006-08-01 21:32:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its not just love and communication that makes a relationship work, but great and satisfying sex as well. And even though you say you love this woman your about to marry, your not sexually satisfied... therefore it is not meant to be. It is only a foretell of other problems to come in the future if you two were to marry. Your best bet is to get rid of both relationships and move on. You obviously need to find yourself and decide what you really want before you can ask someone to sacrifice their wants just to give you what you need.
2006-08-01 21:13:49 · answer #7 · answered by Chicadee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
SEX is the way to express LOVE!! It's like you're loving your wife in every way..but expressing your love for HER with someone else! If you are not satisfied, it's a sure as hell sign you are not connecting on a deeper level. I promise you once you both figure it out..she will rock your world. If you can't talk with her about your unfulfilled sex desires, you are in no shape to get married.
Don't put her on a pedestal and make her virginal..you will both be unfulfilled & miss out on knowing & loving each other in the deepest way. If you can't connect sexually, then you need to ask yourself if you really luv her & what about her do u love? I'll bet you she is just shy because she doesn't feel like she "knows" you, either. chances are she's unfulfilled too ~ TRUST ME ON THIS ONE ;D
GL ~ hope this helps.
2006-08-01 20:37:57 · answer #8 · answered by irolag100 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If things are fine the way they are, then why bother to get married. You say you do not want to hurt any of their feelings, but if you marry your wife, and she later finds out you are cheating on her with the other chic in another town, her feelings will be crushed and she will be devastated.
Your problem is you still want to play, believe it or not, you want your cake and ice cream and sprinkles too! Be careful who you try to play, you may end up like that bunny in the movie "Fatal Attraction"!
2006-08-01 21:50:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you obviously have NO morals, so I can't even tell you to say a prayer everything will be okay. All I can tell you to do at this point is go on Jerry Springer and introduce both women to each other. Goodluck! I'll see ya on there.
2006-08-01 20:29:02 · answer #10 · answered by faerycatcher 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋