How do I deal with a mother in law........?

Question

How do I deal with a mother in law doesn't participate in anything having to do with our family or children. She has 5 grown children and when I married into the family to her youngest son ( my now husband) I was told by many of the in laws that she is the worst mother in law. She never went to hospital when the birth of her grandchildren came into the world, birthday parties, baptism, you name it. I now see it. This woman is just awful. She didn't come to my baby shower or any of my children's b-day parties. She had to nerve to send her husband over to drop a present off for my girl who turned two. He didn't even come in the house he just left the present in door and said he didn't have time to come in! It is really strange to me. My husband just says she is like that and expect nothing. I don't want to send invitations out and don't even want to spend xmas with her. Should I have to? My family makes a big deal when children come into the world, birthdays, you name it. AWFUL!

Answer 1

Does she leave the house at all? She may be suffering from a phobia.

If she isn't then try not to be so upset. Consider her the eccentric neighbor. Do not have any expectations whatsoever.

Answer 2

Some in- laws are just like that. My mother in law calls for her birthday.She calls when it is mothers day and asks my husband if he has something to say to her..his birthsay is May 12, some years it falls the same day. Some people were brought up differently. Ask your husband if he remembers anything about how his grandparents were. The answer should lie there. Most the time people act the way they do because of their parents, rather it is negative or it is positive. If a child is treated badly by their parents, most the time it is them that will turn around and act the same way towards their children. Best case scenario, they do just the opposite try to be a better parent than their parents were. My mother in law was raised by her parents, both were alcoholics and didn't care much about her..she was 15 and pregnant and then married. They had no control over her. She let her boys do the same thing, luckily though it had somewhat of a reverse effect on him.

Answer 3

Your family is the husband and children living under your roof. Yes, you have more family but the ones who you should be more concerned about happiness is your own little circle. If she does not participate, her loss. Don't make it a point to discuss the fact that she skips, it feeds some need on her part. Go on with your happy family as if all is wonderful. Keep sending the invites and thanks for the gifts, but say nothing of her not attending. Your husband is right, expect nothing and then your feelings are not hurt. But do not give her the sense that you are disappointed. Your stock comment, "Everyone had a blast." Make no remarks such as, "you should have been there", "we missed you", or "maybe next time." She gets something out of her behavior, don't give it to her. The best revenge is to be happy without her. Remember, you picked the husband but got stuck with the mother-in-law. Do all you can not to let her behavior interfere with your good times.

Answer 4

You don't have to deal with her; that's the glory of the situation. You found out when you got married from other relatives that she's horrible. At least she's not horrible AND wants to be around you all the time causing trouble.

Apparently, she doesn't like to socialize, even with family and doesn't like to attend celebrations or parties. That's her perogative. At least she thought enough to send a gift to your daughter's birthday. She is the way she is and you are not going to be able to change that.

What you CAN change is the way you react to it. This has nothing to do with you or your child; she treats everyone this way. If it was just your or your daughter, it would be different. The only issue is that you weren't raised this way and you don't like it. This is not something within your control. Your husband and the rest of his family have accepted that this is the way she is, so why push the issue? Continue to invite her on the off chance that she may one day accept, but if she doesn't, it's no big deal.

It would be nice if she wanted to be around her children and grandchildren, but at least be thankful that they have other grandparents, as well as siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins with whom you all can be close. Good luck.

Answer 5

So you have a mother in law that does not butt in every chance she gets and you are complaining (just joking)
it is her way and if she is happy that is what matters. She is not a person who cares to be close to her grand children and that is her option. It is hard I know. My ex came from a close family and I did not. I was overwelmed when I was around his family. We saw more of them ( they lived 100 miles away) than my family (5 miles away) but you know what, If one of my family said they needed anything we were there for them,but if nothing was needed it could be a few months before we even talked on the phone

Answer 6

Ok, so she isn't your ideal mother in law, big deal. You married her son, not her. It is her choice and her loss not to be involved in things. Stop worrying about it and let it be. She is who she is, and ultimately she is your husbands mother so she does have a role in your life. You shouldn't let her behavior change how you feel a mother in law should be treated. Be the bigger person and just accept her ways and stop judging her and expecting something different. Just because your family acts a certain way doesn't mean that is how every ones family behaves.

Answer 7

She sounds very detatched.I have one that is unpredictable.One year,she will be all involved,and then another year,you cant get up with her.Like you,my family was always considerate,very interested,and very doting.They are gone now,my parents and my grandparents,unexpectedly,each.You cant let her rob your energy,by thinking about why she is this way.Remember,you lived alot of years without this person,and you can do that now.She is robbing herself of a relationship with you,and the children.This is something she can never get back,sad,but true.Hold your head high,and be everything to your children,even the people they cant have in their lives,you can be that person for them.Good Luck,Mom!!

Answer 8

Why are you stressing it. Just forget about it and don't let it make you crazy. There is nothing you can do about it and she will probably end up regretting it later. Her misfortune. Just keep inviting her and she will take care of her own fate.

Give me the strength to change the things i can
To accept the things i can;t
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 9

Hey, honey......you knew the score before you married into the family. As Paul McCartney says "Let it Be". Stop trying to change her and her husband. She is the one who is loosing out. Make your holiday decisons on what you want to do and stop whining and complaining and mind your own business.......Live and Let Live. For all those people who will tell you to "tell her how you feel".......don't waste your time........you can't teach an old dogs new tricks if they don't want to learn.

Answer 10

The family needs to sit down and talk to her and her husband. Everyone needs to get their feelings out without attacking her and just let her know how it makes you feel when she chooses not to be involved in her grandchildren's lives. If she is not willing to hear you out, maybe it's time to cut ties with her and let it be her loss!!