this is only part of it but like the beggining of this book?

Question

Cars reflected on her walls as she lay in bed. Sirens roared and the normal city sounds kept her awake, “I hate this place…” she moaned and flipped to on her stomach. She reached down into the nightstand by her bed and grabbed a magazine. She starred at the headline pages. “Nothing ever changes in the city” she thought, then put her magazine down on the floor, flipping back over on her back. She heard crashes from outside. She sat up on her knees and looked out the window above her bed. “What the, is that!?!” she asked herself she looked around. A homeless dog hit a metal garbage can toppling it over. “What is there to do in New York?” she thought. It was a full moon and you could see the Empire State Building from her view, sure it was cool at first but after a while it got old, really fast. She went to some of the normal site seeing things, like the Statue of Liberty, all that stuff but to see it once is good enough.
She heard a buzzing in her ear; it was her alarm clock flashing 6:00 AM, another boring day, at a boring school, in a boring city. She jumped out of bed a trotted over to her radio and put in on full blast, and got her clothes out. Jeans and a hoodie were her normal wardrobe and same with today. She went to the bathroom first though and took a shower. She put her hair up in a ponytail and slipped on her clothes. She ran down stairs into the kitchen. Her mom was pacing around, “Katherine do you want cereal?” her mom said, “I told you a million times mom I hate breakfast” she said in an annoyed tone. “Okay then, but know its not healthy” she said, “Okay whatever I’ll buy something at school I’m gonna be late for the bus” she said as she checked her backpack for everything. “Okay bye” her mom said. She ran out the door and saw the bus pull over to her curb she jumped in fast as she could and looked for her best friend Caitlyn. She saw her sitting by the window with her head hitting the window repeatedly. “Hey Caitlyn!” Katherine said. “Hey Katherine, good thing you’re here or it would have been Johnny Milinski sitting next to me” Caitlyn said as Katherine sat down. “Ew.” Katherine said fast. “Yeah” Caitlyn said in response. “So I heard today were the talent show try outs, are you doing anything?” Katherine said as the bus pulled away. “I don’t know I was gonna do a dance with Sarah but she ditched me, to do one with Alexis” Caitlyn said. “That’s Sarah, why did you trust her you barley know her…” Katherine said when actually she was just jealous. “I’ve known her since preschool Katherine, come on!” Caitlyn said. “Well I’ve known you for longer and I was never asked to do a dance!” Katherine said, “Well that’s because remember what happened last year…”
The bus pulled on the curb of the school, and Katherine and Caitlyn stepped out and started walking towards the doors, kids were sitting on the two walls surrounding the door a kid with blue and green hair looked at Katherine, “Hey Katherine I was wondering if…” he said, “No Jimmy, I told you fifty times!!! I’m not going with you!” Katherine said very annoyed by now. “Oh come on!!!” Jimmy pleaded. “I said NO!” Katherine stated. “Come on Caitlyn it wasn’t that bad I just accidentally caught the curtains on fire, after the fire department came it was all taken care of!” Katherine said. Caitlyn stopped Katherine before they walked in and looked at her and said “You have to be kidding me you almost burned the whole school down!” Katherine pushed the doors open, and walked in the school. Lockers filled the walls with grey and paper airplanes flew around fast and the classroom 106 sat in Katherine corner of her eye. “Whatever just forget about the talent show okay I have to find a date for the dance!” Katherine said as she starred into space. “You never go to dances!” Caitlyn said. “I did once in 8th grade!” Katherine said. “Katherine, Katherine, Katherine…you puked all over the floor when you ate their pizza!” Caitlyn said in a superior tone. “Okay, I just won’t eat pizza this time! Any who I wanna bring Jaime Stewart!” Katherine said slowly. “JAIME STEWART ARE YOU CRAZY, GIVE ME A CHANCE TO BREATH DID YOU JUST SAY JAIME STEWART! THE MOST POPULAR, HOT GUY IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL?!?!” Caitlyn practically yelled. “Chill Caitlyn, I was just thinking!” Katherine said. “Well, stop thinking before you get your hopes up, because I’m brining him!” Caitlyn said. “Sure you are” Katherine said as she followed Caitlyn to her locker. “What are the chances of Caitlyn Smithson bringing Jaime Stewart to the dance?” said Katherine. “Chill Katherine, I was just thinking” she said mimicking Katherine’s voice. They both laughed. “I got to go to Mr. Berlinski’s fast though or it will be my third dentition this year!” Katherine said. “Okay bye!” Caitlyn yelled as Katherine walked away. Katherine turned around without thinking and bumped into someone she looked up, it was Jaime Stewart maybe she thought, but no just Jimmy, “Come on Katherine I know her you’re desperate for a date!” he said. “What are you doing now? Stalking me?” Katherine walked away, “I know I’m not good as no Jaime or something but I’m a good guy!” Jimmy pleaded again and again. “Okay Jimmy, I’ll go with you if at the very last millisecond of time before the dance I don’t have the date, and stop dying your hair blue and greens too!” Katherine said. Jimmy touched his hair, “THANKS KAT!” he yelled, “Never, I say never, call me that again” Katherine said. “Whatever!” he said.
Katherine went to her locker entered her com. and got all her stuff for Mr. Berlinski’s room of torture! No actually just science class. She sat down next to her friend Caleb, “Hey Caleb!” Katherine said. “Hey Katherine, it’s got around school your going with Jimmy, I was surprised!” Caleb said. “AH! I told him…erg…never mind” Katherine said after she banged her head on the desk. “Okay for the next Lab project we’ll be having partners and no you don’t get to choose” Mr. Berlinski said, the class moaned. “I will be pulling two names and you will be with the other name I pull, get it? Good! Now Katherine Smith is going with Sarah Diverts!” Katherine banged her head on the table again, “Ow” Katherine said as she looked at Caleb and he shrugged. “Ms. Smith I don’t appreciate your attitude toward sweet, caring Sarah, and if I wasn’t mistaken somebody’s jealous…” Mr. Berlinski moaned. The class laughed. “WHAT? NO I’M NOT I…I…I DON’T EVEN LIKE SARAH!” Katherine stuttered. “Well then, moving on” Mr. Berlinski said, in his annoying, annoying voice. Katherine looked at Caleb and said, “Starting now my life is over”, “Come on, its not that bad…you just got humiliated in front of the whole class” Caleb said. “That sure helps Caleb thanks a lot” Katherine said. “Caleb McGhee and Jessie Fairmont” Mr. Berlinski said in his deadbeat voice. “Oh…man…talk about lives being over I’m stuck with Jessie!” Caleb looked over and Jessie she had pigtails braided with her brown hair and freckles clouded her whole face. She had braces that locked her mouth shut and huge wire-rim glasses. She smiled, exposing her horrible teeth, and waved at Caleb. “I think Mr. Berlinski plans these things!” Caleb said, “Tell me about it” Katherine responded. “RING” the bell rang for class to be over. “Tomorrow we will be doing our science experiments with out partners have a good weekend” Mr. Berlinski said. Katherine ran out of the class to Caitlyn’s locker. “CAITLYN!!! You won’t believe what just happened” Katherine yelled. “What? What?” she said as she grabbed her history book out of her locker. “Guess who my partner in Science is!” “Jaime?” Caitlyn said, “I wish…but it’s Sarah!” Katherine said as she still was in shock. “Eek, that sucks” Caitlyn said, “Yeah I no, I just wish this day could be over!!!” Katherine said. Then the PDA turned on. “KATHERINE SMITH OF GRADE 11, PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE IMMDEITYLY” it said. “I wonder what that is…” Katherine said. Caitlyn shrugged at her remark. Katherine grabbed her books and ran to the office, “Hi, Mrs. Callonberry the office called for me?!” “Yes, yes go to the Principals office, its right down the hall first room on the left” Mrs. Callonberry said. “Thank you” Katherine said as she held her books up to her chest and walked down the hall proudly, she thought maybe she was getting an award or something. She opened the door to the office, “Hello Mr. Aubrey” “Hello Katherine” he responded. “I was called down…” Katherine said. “How can I say this Katherine, well, you had a call from your parents today” he said slowly. “Yes…and what did they say? Did something happen???” Katherine said franticly. “They wanted me to tell you; well I have to tell you, you’re getting transferred, to the St. Camebrith Private Schooling” “WHAT?” Katherine screamed. “I know its short notice Katherine, but it wasn’t all your parents’ decision, you have a tendency, of well getting in trouble a lot like that talent show and you’ve messed up some of the dances” Mr. Aubrey said. “Come on, Mr. Aubrey!!” “Sorry Katherine what final is final…” “Whatever I got to go” Katherine said. “Just to let you know this is your last day at “Fairburg High School of New York”

Answer 1

And?

Answer 2

I gather this is something you are writing yourself? This is a good teen effort.. and by that I mean no disrespect if you are older. The story begins in full stride and you begin developing the main character right away. You have good development and that generates interest. Congratulations on taking it this far.
However, there are several flaws which are correctable: your dialogue is forced and you are moving too quickly. As an example, take "A homeless dog hit a metal garbage can toppling it over." First, dogs don't hit much of anything. Second, you don't use this for effectively framing what it looks like outside. Instead of rushing off again, I suggest you develop this thought: what you would see AFTER the noise is a dog going through the garbage of a trash can it apparently tipped over. I suggest you describe the sound it makes, the echo in the alley, the view down the fire escape the litter and dirt, something like that... the area removed from the normal hustle and bustle of the people moving around in the night.
Develop your thoughts more along with the transitions and you will do well.

Answer 3

Well... I don't want to be too critical since you're probably pretty young but there's a couple things I noticed right away:

There's nothing very interesting happening that makes a person want to keep reading.

The word "she" is far too repetitive.

The writing in general does not have much in the way of any interesting or advanced literary quality, but again, if you're young it's a good start.

The punctuation and grammar is not good and would lose any knowledgeable reader's interest as a result - sure editors can fix that but really it should be better, even in a first draft.

Don't let criticism get you down, though - I'm just trying to help with things that need it. There's a reason I'm not an author: it's too hard!

Answer 4

Wow, that is a LONG chunk of writing. You could do with some editing on the grammar/punctuation front, and maybe if you made the format more palatable... (sorry, I didn't get through much of the story, so I can't say much about it).

If you really want comments from readers who *want* to review, post this up on www.fictionpress.com.

Answer 5

Eh, it develop into ok. no longer incredible. i wager i'm biased even if, I hate fantasy. :P There are some extraordinary grammar mistakes, like She randomly capitalized. also, it is decrease off. for my area, i imagine "!?" is somewhat infantile and could under no circumstances be used in serious writing. With that stated, it has skill.

Answer 6

ASHLYN! Dammmmm! Did you not JUST ask this "question" 3 days ago (I believe your "question" then was "I WROTE THIS IS IT GOOD I WROTE IT") and did you not get all the information from those poor people who had to read it then??!!! Are you that hard up for approval?

Answer 7

ITS A BOOK PEOPLE! i'm her friend and i think this book, through editing, and when she's done writing, it will be on the top ten book list. so HAH! i read it all. heck, i read it twice. take the time to read it. do you know why its long? ITS A FREAKING BOOK! and ya no what? its not even long. it'll be lik 113 pages when its in PAPERBACK!!!

Answer 8

Geez I didn't even read half of it... it's boring and it rambled on and the spelling mistakes are atrocious!

Answer 9

Damn that's alot of writing. I didnt even read it. Okay, bye now.

Answer 10

Umm... was there suppose to be a question there?
Because I think I missed it.

Answer 11

If I was in a reading mood, I'd read all that. But I'm not.

...Did you type all that up yourself??