Husband's fell off the wagon, now what?

Question

Married for 6 years. 4 yr old son, 9 mo old daughter. He went through treatment and would've been sober 3 years on Aug 9. He started drinking again last week. Got in a huge fight and acted like he was mad at me! Total alcoholic, I don't think I can go through this again.

Sinned,
I lived in Wisconsin, now i'm in illinois. That's my other problem. To get this over with so that I can move home to be closer to my family and friends. His family will take his side. They always have.

Rays,
Yes I asked him why. His answer was that he wanted to. He then began to hollar at me. He doesn't get physically abusive, but he is very demeaning to everyone around him. My 4 year old doesn't remember what it was like and I don't want him to. It's sad how he treats his kids. I can handle it better, but it's not fair that i should have to, and I refuse to let my children be put down by him. I saw what it did to his two older children from his first wife. I can't let this happen to my kids. As for marriage counseling, he would never go for it. I truly believe it is time to throw in the towel and protect the children.

Answer 1

Don't, you gave him one chance and that was probably more than he deserved. He made his choice, he knew that drinking again would probably mean the end of your relationship and did it anyway. Besides he failed already, do you really want to wait for the next time and the next time for the rest of your life? You are a mother and even if you wanted to put up with it yourself your kids deserve better and its your job to make that happen for them. Of course its your fault, no drunk ever takes the blame, trust me I was a bartender and saw it every single day. Pack his stuff, tell him to take his drunk a$$ somewhere else that you are done he clearly made his choice and unfortunately it wasn't his wife and kids. Let him know straight up that he will not be seeing the kids when there is a chance that he will be drunk, you will not put them through that, they deserve better and he chose not to be better. Good luck to you, and I'm so very sorry, this is an awful situation, I've seen it so many times before but each time is still just as tragic.

Silihawk obviously has no idea what alcoholism really is if she doesn't consider someone a drunk until they are going to sleep and waking up with a beer!

Answer 2

Ok! I feel that he is under pressure and is using alcohol for a reason. Men feel the same stress as women do with children, going to work (feeling that pressure) and coming home to more stress (as they think). He is not an alcoholic until he is waking up with a beer and sleeping with a beer. If he drinks to get drunk that is a sign of stress! He does not like it more than you! but its an escape for him. I am a mother of four and two grandchildren, been there done that! Remember the vows of marriage. Dont yell at him or critisize him, speak to him normally when he is at his sober moments, put him in reality. Its all up to you, i hate to say that but its true if you want to continue this realtionship. He loves you all so much, but cannot handle the stress. Be vigalant in a loving and caring way! Peace be with your family, dont want you all to be the next stastistic!

Answer 3

Have you asked him WHY he started again? He may be responding to stress in the only way he knows how. Is he physically abusive? Would you be better off with or without him?

I would NOT suggest AA for him or Al-anon for you, both places believe that your primary allegiance is to the group and not the marriage. Perhaps marriage counseling?

A Harvard study showed that the most important factor in getting sober can be a supportive spouse.

Answer 4

You're d--- right to not go through this again. Alcoholism is a deal breaker and, if it were me, I'd break the deal. It will be major league tough but you'll find it's worth it to be free of the pain and heartache. Find and attend Al Anon. Here's the site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Answer 5

I am an alcoholic and have been sober for 1.5 years. Please, please get yourself to an Alonon meeting, for yourself! Family members are greatly affected by alcohlics in thier life. Pick up your phone book, and look inthe front, thier should be a number for AA Hotline, call it, tell them your story, go to a meeting, and read the chapter "To Wives" from the Big Book, their is hope for you and for your husband. Thier are many, thousands of wives, daughters, and mothers, (and men too) who are in Alanon and are thier to help you. They really dont want anything from you, just to see you and your husband recover. AA gave me my life back. Expect a miracle.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry. It sounds like he was on the right track and he then changed the rules on you. You have many difficult days ahead and some tough decisions to make. No matter what he does, please take the advice above and get help just for yourself during this difficult time.

Answer 7

Well if he is destructive and abusive you need to leave him until he straightens out. He will eventually hit you and/or the kids if he hasn't yet. Give him an ultimatum

Answer 8

Don't - don't feel you have to. Hopefully with support from your family and friends, you can do it on your own. However hard it will be, he has given up his husband/father privileges. Good luck to you, and stick to your guns. You are worth more than he is promising - because they always promise, don't they?

Answer 9

you are packer mama so you live in wisconsin? "no fault" divorce laws here. don't expose the kids to alcohol and fighting. good luck babe. go pack go.

Answer 10

Get some advice from Al-Alon for yourself, he's not going to be receptive to anything you say for awhile. I know you don't want to go through this again, so please get some help just for you.