What is the max amount of time to date before becoming engaged? The MAX time you would wait for a guy to ask!

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now... we get along great, and he says we are a good fit.However, when I mention living together (which would obviously involve eventual engagement, since I am 'the marrying kind of girl'), he dodges the subject or says I'm 'scaring' him' or making him nervous. When I ask if he is making plans for us, he says 'nothing is finalized yet'... however, we are both 34. I want marriage, babies, stability. I understand someone who has never even lived with a girl wanting to take their time, and 'be sure' they are with someone who isn't going to screw them over. however, don't you think at one year, a man should at the very least be able to tell you either YES, we are headed toward marriage; I just need a LITTLE more time to feel this out or NO, I can't see this evolving into marriage, though I am enjoying dating you (of course, he knows the second one would send me running!) Still, I know he is NOT using me for sex (believe me!!)...so what gives?

Answer 1

Caution!!! DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM!! I can not be more adamant. If you want to get married, moving in together will cause further delay.

If not living together, I would expect a proposal between 1 and 2 years of dating. Less than 1 year is not enough time. More than 2 years: what's he waiting for?

Regarding the answer your YES or NO question and the answer you typed: "NO, I can't see this evolving into marriage, though I am enjoying dating you" News Flash!! Men DO NOT talk that way. You will have to wait forever to get a straight answer like that. He has given you the answer... but you are waiting to be hit over the head with a bat before you will believe it.

Time to hit the bricks.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Two years is a reasonable time. Anything before that is too soon.

Don't push the subject. I understand that you are getting antsy but he has clearly say that you are freaking him out with your marriage talk.

My guess is that he has not make his mind up whether or not he is ready for marriage. Is not that he doesn;t love you or if our are not the right person, is about if he is ready to tie the knot or not. If he freaks out is either you are comming across to strong on this.

If you want to keep this one, don't spook him away. If you act desperate for becoming a bride then he will run the other way. Leave the subject alone and see if your relationship has serious chances of becoming a married couple. Make sure that he knows that after 2 years of dating people should even get engaged or move on and people that date for more than that wothout at least a ring are wasting their time. Do this as a general subject of conversation and don't make it sound as if you are speaking particulary about you two. He will get the hint.

I say, don't waste your time with this one after two years, but certainly, one year is too soon. Give him a chance to make his own mind and you cannot force him into proposing, you know that.

Good luck

Answer 4

What do you mean he's not using you for sex (believe me!) ??

anyway...

I think at a year, you are being WAY to pushy. You can't even get to know someone fully until at least 1.5 - 2 years. At 34, I can definitely see why you are feeling rushed though. You should be thankful he's taking it slow.

That said - you have the right to ask him if he's dating you for marriage. I mean...he should at least know how things are going. There should be a "Yah...I love you, and see things progressing, so I'm on the marriage track...I just need more time." OR..."No...I don't see us marrying..."

He should at least be able to give you a future hint of his feelings.

Sounds like he's just taking his time, or he's holding out in case something better comes along...(ie not enough chemistry to really commit, but enough that he doesn't want to break up).

Answer 5

I dated a guy for 2 years and whenever I mentioned kids or marriage he freaked out... needless to say that relationship ended, and until this day he can't seem to be take that step forward. But then I met a great guy who when I mentioned marriage or kids he said eventually but I don't know yet. Well I gave it time and patience and now we ended up living together and are engaged. Just be patient and don't push him... when he is ready he will let you know, if you feel that too much time is passing and your not getting anywhere then you need to find someone who shares the same aspirations as you.

Answer 6

Oh gosh, I can so sympathize. What is the max, you ask? I think, a lot depends on the situation, but I feel there are certain common-sense guidelines. In my personal opinion, one year is plenty enough to get an idea whether or not you want to be with the person. However, I tend to generally know what I want, and I trust my "gut feeling"; it's usually pretty easy for me to reach a decision in a relationship issue. "Feels right" or "doesn't feel right" are perfectly good reasons for me to pursue or abandon something. Other people might be different - they may not have experience in a certain issue, they may not have the "gut feeling", they may not even be clear on what their goals are. So I wouldn't say right away that you should run from this guy and find someone else. It may very well be that he hasn't figured things out yet, and needs more time.

But what does *your* gut feeling tell you? Sounds like you may already sense that something's not going right. It's not encouraging that he tries to shy away from the talk about the future, or says you're "scaring" him. Sounds like he may be uncomfortable with the idea of marriage in general, and there's not much you can do to change it. From your description, I'm getting an impression that he doesn't *really* want to start a family quite yet, he's happy with where the things are now, and wants to continue on with the status quo for as long as possible. For someone in their mid-30s, this stance seems quite immature; I think, if this person truly wanted to have a family, he would either commit deeper to his relationship with you - or, he would have moved on to something else after figuring out you were not "it".

I think, on this one my feeling would be, you need to move on. You don't have much time to waste, the biological clock is ticking (I know the feeling, I'm about the same age, no kids yet). I really think that it lends the sense of urgency to this search for "the right one", and it becomes an expensive investment to spend time with someone who doesn't have the same relationship goals.

Answer 7

If you don't get an engagement ring within 6 months of meeting the guy, he's not the one for you or you're not the one for him. I'm not saying he won't eventually ask you to marry him, but it will probably only be because he doesn't think he'll meet anyone else. Within a month of meeting my hubby, we went to look for wedding rings. 3 months later he proposed and then we saved up for our dream wedding. We've been married nearly 1 year, and we've known each other for 3. But keep in mind, we were engaged after 3 months of meeting. When the guy wants to marry you, he wants it right away - he just KNOWS. When he waits....that's not a good sign.

Answer 8

I think if after a year and a half to two years and he has not yet still broached the topic of marriage, then it's pretty hard to convince him to marry you. I brought up marriage after a year and my bf then (husband now) was very receptive to it and we ended up making 'real' plans as time passed by. He bought the ring and surprised me. If a man is serious about it he will act on it. If he continues to dodge the topic, then it's best to be blunt about it--because if he has no desire to marry you and you ultimately want to be married, then there's no need to prolong a relationship that is not going anywhere.

Answer 9

I was married THREE times before I was 30!!! Every proposal came with in the first couple of months, The sad thing....I was not in love with them...I did not even give myself time to think about if they were right for me. They weren't. Believe this,,,I was not IN LOVE with any of them. I was more excited with the getting married thing than the Marriage part. Now at 37 I know what I want. I know what I want because I know who I am. I have my own identity, and girls, this is huge,,,huge that you are able to keep that in a relationship,,married or not. I have dated lots and have met a man that I am truly in love with. What difference dose it make to get married? For us women its the security of a man. We women must first be secure in ourselves, and, the proposal/marriage thing begins to not be sooo important. Think about the person you are with today then, just imagine what they/you together will be like in oh say...30 years...Is he for you??
Best wishes!!

Answer 10

That's a tuff one, but I would say two years. Only thing is you guys aren't getting any younger and having kids when you're older isn't easy. So maybe you need to seriously sit down and have a talk with him about what you both want. Because time is ticking away and it suren't isn't going to stop and wait until you both figure out what he wants as the years pass by.