I was sexually abused from ages 4 to 14 when i ran away from home. It was by my uncle who lived with us and still lives with my 'parents' I am lesbian but when i was 16 i was in a relationship with a man for a few months we had to break it off when his wife found out, a few weeks later i found i was pregnant. I had my daughter who lived with my sister for a while. After that i began dating only women and although sex was part of the liasons i felt and still feel guilty afterward. often times i would cry mysdelf to sleep after it. As i said in my last post i have had alot of good fortune but i can't shake this feeling of guilt when i have sex witrh my girlfriend. Mostly its because even when the abuse was happening as bad as it was it felt good. And i can't forgive myself for that. My girlfriend wants to use a strap on on me because i have NEVER let her in our entire 8 year relationship. i use one on her regularly but i can't stand the thought of being penetrated again even if it is
2006-08-01 06:09:42 · 6 answers · asked by Shane M 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
with my girlfriend who i know loves me. Is there any way i can get over my fears?
2006-08-01 06:10:33 · update #1
Counseling is the only thing that will help you. You need to find a good therapist. After I was raped as a 9 year old by 7 teenagers one of my rapists came to me and was sorry, he hugged me and held me tight and kissed me and played with me and it felt good and I was so confused about that, that I denied my sexual orientation for years I blamed it on the rape. I hated what they did to me and hated those that did them. I felt guilty like you because I enjoyed what one of them did to me after wards. Now I suspect he was just scared and thought if I knew he was sorry and if I got some pleasure from the experience that I would not tell on them and he was right I was confused and scared and didn't know what to do about it.
You need to know that the human body is designed to feel pleasure it doesn't mean you wanted it or enjoyed it. It didn't mean that you wanted it to happen or that he was not still just as guilty. You where a child unable to make an adult decision.
get counseling for this. It will help you.
2006-08-01 06:26:02 · answer #1 · answered by ♂ Randy W. ♂ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Baby, you may need some counseling to work toward peace with yourself and your past. First of all, try to quit feeling guilty because the abuse felt good, Forgive yourself. The abuse or any part about the abuse was not your fault. And if your girlfriend loves you, she will be patient and understanding of you and your situation. I always ask mine, since she was abused too by her brother, if there is anything she doesn't want me to do or is okay with me doing. I do this because sometimes a notion just strikes up in your head and this time something that had been okay now frightens you.
If you like, you can email me and in the meantime I will talk to my girlfriend to see if she has any pointers for you. Maybe even put you two in contact with one another. She has a story to tell too that will rot your socks off.
2006-08-01 06:33:32 · answer #2 · answered by midnightdealer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm also dating a sexual abuse survivor and I strongly advocate therapy or a support group. It doesn't sound like you have trust issues with your partner, it sounds like all this is internal to you.
I said this to another guy in another question and I'm gonna stick it in here because I think it is very true:
Happiness is not a concept. It is not something that we should be striving for. It is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the pain and unhappiness and depression that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balence and that imbalence is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted by it.
What happened to you is a grave grave imbalence and it is clearly sucking something from you. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to fix it alone or be what your girl wants you to be or fakey force yourself to pretend to be ok. Allow yourself to be nurtured by others who can help you. Allow yourself to feel worthy of such assistance.
Edited to add: You might also want to check out the blogging community, there are lots of survivors writing blogs. In fact, the latest Carnival Against Sexual Violence just went up today:
http://abyss2hope.blogspot.com/2006/08/carnival-against-sexual-violence-4.html
2006-08-01 07:32:09 · answer #3 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First and foremost.....if you do not want penetration then your girlfriend should accept this and respect this. It's your body and you are the one being penetrated. OOOOOOh....that makes me so angrey FOR you! She should be understanding and not force this issue. Please stand your ground on this issue. You CAN have a healthy sex life without having to go through the trauma of penetration. I hope you guys get this issue worked out.
2006-08-01 08:53:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you shouldnt have to...if your girlfriend loves you...she'll understand that penetration is not something you enjoy...b/c of past experiences...if she cant understand that...then she doesnt deserve you. now..if you WANT to get over it and want to be penetrated..there are plenty of self help clinics and things of that sort that im sure you could check yourself in to. Yahoo it....
2006-08-01 06:19:06 · answer #5 · answered by sille_leakim 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i agree about strap ons
i can never have one used on me because they remind me of males.
But as far as feeling guilty about feeling good
Therapy would probably help you alot
You shouldnt feel bad about that
Just another example of males ruining lives.
2006-08-01 08:48:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋