How can one expect me to accept what I don't understand?

Question

I don't understand homosexuality. If someone could please explain how you live a lifestyle that you do not choose,

or that some choose but not all,

or that some are partially and partially not,

or the principles involved in being homosexual.

How can you be homosexual when you're born and not be sexually active as a child?

How can you subscribe to a sexual lifestyle in childhood or even know that you have a sexual orientation, if you don't have sex at that age?

What does attraction have to do with sexual orientation?

Can you be a homosexual eunuch (Celibate?)

I just don't understand. Maybe since you live the lifestyle you can shed some light on these questions. I cannot accept what I don't at least have some basic understadning of. Just share with me the principles.

But please if you want me to read your answers, answer seriously. Give me the opportunity to grow.

Answer 1

First of all, I wanted to congratulatorily point out that while you don't understand it, you realize you don't understand it and are trying to remedy that situation. Before I answer the questions, I'd point out (in case the answers don't already demonstrate) that you're going to be getting a LOT of very different answers; there's a lot that there's not a consensus on; as such, views expressed are my views only. I won't say that before each statement I make now.

When people say they were born gay, they don't necessarily mean they were digging other guys or girls when they were 3. The idea is that we're all born with the programming that will kick in right around adolescence. The way I usually phrase, because of that, is that I wasn't born gay. And neither were you born straight. We were all born asexual, and then puberty hit, and some of us liked guys and some of us liked girls, and some of us liked both. That having been said, some people do show "differences" that may or may not have anything to do with sexual orientation. This is all personal hearsay; haven't seen any research on it, but many gay men preferred to play with the girls when they were younger. This doesn't mean that they wanted to be one, but it was more...I know for me, it was like boys were mean, and aggressive, and played sports. while there are many gay men that this does describe, I'm not one of them, and I wasn't one then.

The term "sexual orientation" refers specifically to one's attraction. They're close to synonomous. As for what behavior you exhibit, that's where the choice comes in. YOU could, if given proper motivation (say for example: society, family, law, etc depending on where you are) live a lesbian life. Date girls, and even end up trying to spend your life with one. That doesn't mean, however, you'd be happy. As I understand it, people have differing degrees of unhappiness doing that. I can't speak too much to that, because I came out at a relatively young age and didn't kid myself or anyone else for too long. As unnatural as living that lie would feel for you, though, it's exactly the same.

Personally, I'm a big believer in freedom of religion. So, the way I look at it morally speaking is that I have yet to hear any non-religious reasons that dating other men is wrong. Two consenting adults aren't hurting anyone. No one else's rights, safety, property etc are in any danger. From a secular standpoint, there's nothing wrong with it then, and in a country that has a longstanding tradition of seperation of church and state (and here's where you'll probably disagree with me; that's a discussion for another time) I don't think it's proper for anyone else's religious views to arbitrarily make their specific morals into law. That religious freedom, however, does extend to people who believe in their faith enough to want to forego any dating etc. There ARE celibate gay people. Most of the gay catholic priests you've heard about are NOT the child molesters, but a very seperate phenomenon. (Most child molesters are straight men). SOME of these priests are even openly gay with the public, which tends to make for interesting discussions; the Catholic view is that orientation (in line with current scientific theory) is not a choice, but behavior is. As such, a gay orientation is God's way of calling you to be single. I personally thought it was arrogant of anyone else to tell me what God is calling me to do; I no longer consider myself Catholic, but for some people that works. There's priesthood, and there's the single calling.

I wanted to add that "lifestyle" tend to imply a whole series of differences; that day to day living is vastly different from other "lifestyles". This would be inaccurate, as you probably already know. Most GLBT folks want pretty much the same thing most straight folks do; a decent job, someone to love, maybe a place in the suburbs with 2.5 fish. I won't say that that's all that's out there, nor do I personally think that someone who DOES live a different lifestyle deserves less rights than I do, but there you have it.

Answer 2

I applaud you for trying to understand. It shows you're a far more mature person than most people who come on this site.

How can you be homosexual when you're born and not be sexually active as a child?
- You were born heterosexual, yet you weren't sexually active as a child. There are variety of factors that have been shown to cause homosexually from a biological stand point. I've put some links in the source area.

How can you subscribe to a sexual lifestyle in childhood or even know that you have a sexual orientation, if you don't have sex at that age?
- When you were little, did you have crushes on members of the opposite sex? We had them on the same (or in my case, both) sex

What does attraction have to do with sexual orientation?
- Can you honestly be with someone you aren't attracted to, either physically or emotionally? Just as you aren't attracted to the vast majority of people of the same sex, homosexuals aren't attracted to people of the opposite sex. Bisexuals tend to overlook the whole gender thing.

Can you be a homosexual eunuch (Celibate?)
- Of course!! There are a lot of celibate homosexuals, particularly clergy in different churches

I hope I helped! And the links I have listed below should help answer more of your questions.

Answer 3

When a person is a child, sexuality is latent, but doesn't mean it does not exist. For example: I was not sexually active at age 9, but I clearly remember having a crush on my (female) music teacher. It like having a natural talent for painting, but not discovering it until you take an art class.

There are no particular principles invoved with being homosexual; gay folks run the gambit of diversity. Everyone has their own ideas and principles.

Think about this for a moment... Can people consider themselves straight if thet are virgins? The answer is yes. The same is true if you are gay. You don't have to sleep with someone to know that you are attracted to them.

Attraction has a LOT to do with orientation. For a straight woman, a gorgeous man is not going to evoke the same feelings as a gorgeous woman; for a gay woman the reaction is equal and opposite. :-)


In the end, it doesn't matter if you really understand what it is like to be gay. You don't have to understand to accept that gay people are people. Different strokes for different folks.

Answer 4

I lived in a straight relationship for 15 years. I never loved the woman I was with. The marriage broke down quickly, but I hung on in misery for the balance until my kids grew a bit. I left the relationship and tried other straight relationships. I was able to have sex, but I was not emotionally attached to the person I was having sex with. Sex was good... sometimes great, but my 'heart' was not there.

I always had a curiosity about same-sex relations and as a child, did have 'crushes' on David Cassidy (I guess that dates me)... I always rationalized that I liked the way he sings...(ugh)... I was 12... what do you want?

Anyway, growing up, this urge never was explored until a year after I left my wife. I decided to try some descreet same-sex encounters to see if it was something I would be interested in. It turns out, I was a natural... and it felt natural.

About a week later, I met my current boyfriend and fell in love... We have now been together for almost 2 years, and I have never been happier.

It just happened... I fell in love for the first time. It was enough to turn my whole world upside down so that I could be with this person. I am not sure it was about the sex or the person or a combination of being attracted to him and his personality, etc.

All I know is that I found love. I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't expecting it. I just found it... or it found me. My mind was open enough to accept it. Now I am a happier person.

I hope this helps.

Answer 5

What is there to understand? We cannot explain why we are gay, we just are. Just like you, you are attracted to guys naturally without someone telling you what sex you have to be attracted to. It's not a choice for us. I for one, am elated to be a lesbian. It's not a lifestyle, it's just how life is. I feel God made me this way for a reason. People judge us some much because of a book/books (THE BIBLE, THE KORAN) that has been proved to be true, because there are absolutely no facts behind religion, because religion should be about faith! And people are always looking for answers, that they know they will never get. So I think you need to stop trying to understand what it's like, and why we are gay, and just accept the fact that like you, we are all looking and aspiring for one thing, LOVE!!! I hope this helped.

Answer 6

Hi,
One thing for me is that I couldn't understand hetero love until I came out. It never made sense to me, because I had never felt what it was that other people felt when they said they were in love. It just seemed like you could tolerate them. For a while, I would have given anything to be a straight woman, but alas . ..

Until i met my partner, I never knew what it meant to have someone know me like that, to open yourself up to someone like that- and for the first time, to understand making love as something more than f&cking. The intense emotional experience that goes beyond any toys, or what body parts you are using- when your heart is in the right place, when its about your partner's pleasure.
Sexual attraction is a deep, complicated emotion, and when I think back on my life, ( from when I was little) I always wanted to share deep emotional and physical bonds with women- they didn't manifest themselves sexually, of course- it might have been just enjoying being the teachers pet, or an extra hug from a friend at school.

All that being said- Sex is NOT what our relationship is based on- its there, but if I have to make the choice, I'll take just being held and talked to- theres more intimacy there than a sweaty 15 minutes.

I'm not sure if you understand that for some of us, until we met people of our same sex, we never knew what we were missing- because we never had the emotional "clicK" that straight folks have.

As far as the choice thing: until I met my partner, nothing had ever really "curled my toes" so to speak- if I was settling with a woman, or settling with a man, I was going to take the course of least resistance- I knew that I was attracted to women, but there wasn't that deep, all emcompassing feeling that would make it all worth it. In that case, it was easy to make the choice my family wanted me to make.

I respect your quest for education, but please stop thinking that gays and lesbians have sex-centered relationships.

Even at 5 years old, kids are culturally aware enough to see that typically, men and women are together, which they mimic, however, most folks don't ask those kids how they know they are straight, and I certainly HOPE they aren't sexually active, either!

Answer 7

Start here: Homosexuals are more like heterosexuals than they are different. Trust me, it's true.

As for living "the lifestyle," that is a myth. We live like you do, in many different lifestyles, but not so very differently than you do. The only difference is our choice of sexual partners and life partners.

Now take each and every one of your questions, and ask it of yourself as a heterosexual. I think you'll find a couple of them to be absurd, and the answers to many others to be obvious.

The main difference is that we are turned on both emotionally and physically by same sex partners, while as a heterosexual you get this same charge out of opposite sex partners. We still pick and choose which same sex people we want to be with, just as you do with your opposite sex partners, and YES it is possible to be celibate. But ask this; is it desirable?

Thanks for trying to learn, that's really all we ask.

Answer 8

I agree with randy w and letmesurpriseu. reverse the question...did you choose to be straight? how you know if you aren't sexually active? how do you live the straight lifestyle if you don't choose it? how can you be born heterosexual and not be sexually active as a child? yes, straight people can be celibate. attraction has everything to do with my orientation. I am not attracted to men, I'm attracted to women. we are born the way we are...we do not choose. it is genetic. it's hard to explain, I know. nothing happened to me or influenced me to "choose" being homosexual...I just am.

Answer 9

It is OK we don't understand what it is to be straight either. I mean how can you choose to be straight. At what age do you make that choice. Can you be a straight eunuch (Celibate) Perhaps you can shed light on this for us and it may help us shed some light for you.

Answer 10

Answer your question as a hetersexual and I think you will find similar answers that a homosexual will give.

And acceptance has nothing to do with understanding. You probably don't understand other religious and cultures but u accept them. You don't have to understand homosexuality to accept it. You don't have to like it to accept it. You don't have to participate in it to accept it. You are making excuses for discriminatory behavior. Just like racist and bigots do. So stop using this "I'm ignorant and dumb and just dont' understand it" line to justify it.

What u have to accept is the people who choose to be homosexual. Just accept them as people and don't get caught up in what they do in their beds or with their partners. If they are good people, let them be good people and make no judgements.