Should I stay or go? I really need help from outside people?

Question

Ok so here is my story, it is kinda long.So I have been with my bf for almost 3 years, on and off a few times, we have a child together, happened way too soon 6 months after we met, but I was in love thought he was the one.So, when baby was born and 2 months old, bf got abusive.I left after 3 months and we ended up back together 5 months later after promises to change, and he has never hit me since. But a couple of months later his dad was dying, under a lot of pressure and we broke up again. So a few months ago, April, we got back together. So things are going ok, we still have some issues, never abuse, but I guess I am bored with him. I dont think he wants to ever settle down, raise our son, I still dont live with him and he has no intentions of moving to the next step and I really try hard to be a good woman. This has been an issue before. I just cant see myself with anyone else though. Any ideas, or has too much bad stuff happened to us that I cant get past. I dont know what 2 do?

Answer 1

You took him back after the bad stuff...so you can't make that an issue.

However...this time around, if he's not meeting your needs, even after you have told him what those needs are (marriage commitment) then what the point of staying? He won't change...nobody can change from someone else, they have to do it for themselves. So go...move on, find someone who does meet your needs.

Nell.

Answer 2

Women are fiercly strong. You can get past this. If you really want to be with him, tell him. Tell him you have been together for 3 years and you want something more than just a baby daddy. You want to live together, get married, grow old together. Do the whole thing. I do not advocate severely abusive relationships at all so this is NOT what im suggesting. But.... Men make mistakes too. THEY ARE HUMAN JUST LIKE WOMEN! If you two have worked passed the abuse, then let it go. But if settling down is now the issue, & continuing on is NOT the way you want to go, then tell him. If he still refuses to change anything, MOVE ON. I also believe that once he sees you moving on and being happy, he will take notice, and possibly change his mind. Sometimes it just takes a man to notice that he is losing something for him to change a little. You always want what you cant have. Good luck.

Answer 3

You and him have gone through way too much bad stuff.... and I know that he has never hit again after the first and last time, but if you marry him, he will.... once a hitter is always a hitter, they never change. You have never forgot that and has never let it go either, and you shouldn't, ever, because once you do and you let your guard down, he will do it again. And as far as not ever being able to see yourself with someone else, you never saw yourself with him until he came along and was there..... so you won't see the next guy in your life, until hes there. You and your current bf have a child together, you are connected for the rest of your lives because of this child. I say dump him and find someone else.... true love is right around the corner, you just have to make yourself available for it in your life.

Answer 4

If he doesn't want to take it to the next level, then you've answered your question. I understand how it's difficult to picture yourself being with anyone else, especially because you've had a child with him. I know how heartbreaking it is to see a man not be the Father he should be and want to give him every chance in the world to change, but IT'S TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR SON. You can't force him to be the man he should be, and you can't wait around for a lifetime for change that's not going to come. That would not be fair to you or your baby. If he's not fully committed to you and your son, then you need to get yourself an attorney and set up child support and visitation (these two things will be a continual sticking point between the two of you forever if you don't resolve it asap w/ legal documents), and move on with your life.

Answer 5

I'm kind of going through the same thing. It's been almost eight years. He doesn't want to grow up and if I hear him tell me one more time that he will change, I'm going to puke. Just recently I finally had the guts to say it was over. Just the thought of being alone was soo scary but eventually you just realize enough is enough. Stay strong and do what you feel is best for your son. You're always going to be dealing with him because of the child. Believe me I know we have a five year old. But I think everyone has the right to be happy.

Answer 6

This is a difficult situation to be in. On one side of the coin you are wanting the relationship to work yet on the other you are bored with him and can see that the relationship is not really going anywhere. As hard as this can be if your gut feeling is that he is not ready for the next step and you are "bored" with the step you are currently in, i would try and move on. My personal opinion would have been to never give him a second chance after abuse but thats just me. You also have to think about what is best for your son. Is it better so be unhappy yourself in order to have a guy who is in and out or would it be better to find a better guy who will be there for both yourself and your son.

Answer 7

My dear...sounds like situation is not really what you want in life...you dont sound like you are very happy and You deserve more than this type of relationship...He can still be a father to your child...but you deserve to find some happiness with a person who would treasure you and love you the way you should be loved....I am rather psychic and I feel very strongly that you would be much happier getting away from your relationship with him and go about your life and figure out what you really need to be happy for both you and your child. Wouldnt it be wonderful to have a man in your life who really thought you were so spcial and he treated you with love and dignity? and also for your chil? too many guys out there who really are good guys and I would bet you a nickel that you could start dating someone else and you would be much happier. Dont feel you have to stay in a rut just because he is baby's father.... You dont deserve that kind of living...God bless you and I know you are going to be happy in the near futre and it doesnt include him....Love and light to you M

Answer 8

I just felt I had to chip in here as I saw you post on the "spoiled child" issue....
First of all, you deserve better than you are getting in your current relationship. Please get some reliable counsellor/friend to help you sort your way out of this. It doesn't look like it will ever be what you wish it would be, and you have tried hard enough, goodness knows.
As for your little one - don't make the mistake of compensating for the situation he's in by giving in to his every whim. He will not thank you for it later, and you will be in serious trouble when you try to change your way of dealing with it if you wait any longer. Kids need the security of knowing that their Mom will protect them from themselves. They don't understand that life isn't fair, and you don't always get what you want. You need to let him deal with the disappointments in the circle of your love, so that he finds out that he can live thru not getting what he wants and life is still fine. You would be doing him a great disservice to teach him that life owes him. It doesn't . It is what we make of it ourselves, and that involves hard work and determination to get where you want to be. Life doesn't come handed to us on a platter - as most 2 yr. olds conclude. Better to learn now than later. You are being LOVING by teaching him restraint and self-control. Believe me, I know kids have a way of pressing the right buttons to get what they want, and it's hard to resist. But think of the long term - do you want him to act like that when he's 5, 10, 17, 23......??
You have to start now to build the son you want him to be when he is an adult. You will be fine - just use the commonsense that God gave you.....(.It wouldn't hurt to ask for His help either...He's up all night anyway!!). :)

Answer 9

i think you should do what your heart tells you to you broken up
with just to come back to one another tht has got to say something you also have a son and there is no more hitting you that is not a good thing but may be you are just a little faster to settle down then he is just wait a little longer what is the rush is he going some were are you going some were enjoy the ride

Answer 10

I think you need some time alone to sort things out and find out what you really want in life. It's ok to be alone. Sometimes we think they are the one because we been w/ them for so long, and we been throught a lot w/ them. THe fact that he hit you is disturbing, and he has no reason to touch you like that. You need to find out if you truly love him, and if he truly loves you. If this relationship is too much burden, then let go. Is goign to take a toll on your emotions, your body, your health. Don't you want to be in the best position so you can raise your child?
Best of luck girl,
~Latina~