How can I a barren woman become more unselfish to an adopted child?

Question

My husband and I want to adopt. We don't care if it is a boy or girl though I believe he would like a boy. I can not have children because I did a very stupid thing when younger. I have a strong desire for motherhood, but I am not sure if I can be a good enough mother to a child that did not come from me. I fear I would resent the presence of this wonderful child each and every day because I would relive my own foolishness. I know we could provide a great home for any child and economics are not a problem. I am being selfish to my own self pity but am trying to push that aside. Can any one suggest any way of dealing with this?

this is not fair to the great answers I have recieved from you wonderful people so far but it seems I should explain. The reason I can't have children is that I ran my car into a pole when I was drunk. Stupid girl. I no longer drink and thank God everyday that only one I hurt was me.

Answer 1

I think you are trying to make up for whatever behavior is causing you this much guilt. I think if you decide to adopt a child, the love you would feel would over power the guilt of your past. I think every mother fears if she is going to be good enough mother to her child, birth child or adopted child. I had and still have that same anxiety. I just do what I feel is best for my children and love them with all my heart. You are considering adopting a child that needs a loving , nurturing home, the idea in itself is far from selfish. I think you need to forgive yourself for whatever you have done and learn from it and move on. After all we are only human, and all humans make mistakes. The mistake isn't what is important, it's what you learn form that mistake that is.

Answer 2

Well you are aware of your feelings and what could happen, and I mean could. F.E.A.R = False Expectations Appearing Real. You have no idea if you are going to decide....to act this way towards this child. But my point here is you are being honest with yourself instead of the old apathy/denial path so many of us take. So in my mind you are far better than most. You are aware this could happen and that means a lot.

Do you know of any other way to get beyond your fear of resenting this child because you made a bad choice once? Why make another? You know what to do, it's time to grow in stead of contract. I really have a hard time thinking you would actually resent a child because of bad choice you made when younger.

I think you resent yourself because you are unable to produce a child. The presence of this child will rub it in your face (if you allow it). This child has nothing to do with the choice you made so many years ago.

You can adopt, this wipes out the outcome of a bad choice once made. So freaking what, you made a bad choice......welcome to the club!

I was adopted. And it screwed with my head big time. But this was a long time ago and there no real knowledge/acceptance to therapy. "Suck it up" was the way it was handled. This is no longer the case and I got help and reworked my thinking and that's the point. In fact I teach children and I am considered an "incredible teacher" and it's only because of all my "bad choices". I expanded as a person and did something about it. I got to a point were I was sick of it so I moved forward. Do the same and see how great you will feel. Just do it! Good luck I hope this helps.

Answer 3

What a question!

First of all I now know several people who have adopted children from places as far away as China and the Ukraine. I am amazed how happy they are. They adore the children they have adopted. They retrieved these children from quite difficult circumstances and are giving them a real, rich, satisfying life. They always mention how happy the children are. The reward is observing the happiness, the growth, the appreciation that they have a home, love, companionship and opportunities. The parents are amazed at the amount of personal satisfaction these adopted chuldren are giving them.

Your fear about the child not coming from you - that miraculous and indescribable blood-link - is very natural, very normal. In fact it is fundamental. But in your case that natural circumstance has been altered. Therefore the whole reality of helping a new human being to grow and face a wide, complicated world is being offered to you with a universal perspective. All people should learn prior to conception that they do not own their child. A child is not a possession. A child is a universal member of the universe. Each child is uniquely what they are with their own inner pattern. The beauty of raising a child is to nurture that pattern so that it reaches its own potential which may be very different from the parent whether the parent is the blood parent or adopted parent. But the objective is the same.

I think you are being courageous and responsible in expressing the truth of your doubts. Only you know in the core of your heart whether or not you can transform your 'selfishness'. But I think that by asking the question in this way you are already transforming it. If you accept that any child you can imagine is not a possession, but rather an independent being seeking growth, love, self-expression, happiness and so forth, I think you will find the adoption of a child - boy or girl - to be incomparably satisfying. The joy of nurturing and then setting free another human being who you have taught, protected, trained and loved can be a universal experience that is hard to surpass.

I truly hope you and your husband will happily transform your doubt and embark on the adventure of helping another human to grow. The adoptive parents I know I always remind me that it is mutual. The children give them as much happiness as they give the children.

It is a truly wonderful thing to do. It greatly broadens your outlook on the world as a whole.

Thanks for asking such a difficult and personal question.

B. Lyons

Answer 4

You think that now, but it's unlikely you will actually feel that way. Conside your reaction to children that are not yours. You most likely react kindly to them, and they warm your heart with their smiles, laughter, and infantile antics. If this is the case, you will most likely be the same with an adoptive child. The thing is that you will react emotionally to the child beinhg emotionally dependent on you, and become very protective of them. You will probably form a bond more quickly than you think.

You need to come to terms with your past, and hard as it may be, believe that everything happens for a reason, and that your past happened so you would adopt this child. This child was meant to be. Whether you made them or not is just biology. This will be your child, and you will be as much a mother to them as if you gave birth yourself.

Fret not, things will be okay.

However, get counselling to come to terms with this issue that seems to be bothering you, before you distress yourself by entering into something you may not be ready for just yet. And make sure you truly do possess a " strong desire for motherhood", and that you're not just echoing your husband's sentiments.

Good luck xXx

Answer 5

There is nothing unselfish about adopting, or having children at all. People have children, or adopt to satisfy their own need for stimulation, or to claim the bragging rights, not for the sake of the children.

If you have such a strong desire to be a mother then you will likely be a poor mother. Sorry to give you the bad news, but the statistics are stacked against you..

I had a good website that addressed this, but can't find it. This like sort of applies, but not exactly.

Answer 6

Children are great, and if you adopt, this child will be YOURS. It could be very healing for you to have a second chance at being a mother, regardless of the "stupid thing" that caused you not to be. Fate is a curious thing. To adopt a child is quite the opposite of selfish, you are paying a lot of money and opening a home to someone that needs it.

I think you will find a lot of joy in motherhood.
Best wishes to you.

Answer 7

I think therapy would help you come to terms with your past. Everyone has 20/20 hindsight, but what's done is done - there is no going back. I know it's easier said than done, but dwelling on past actions and suffering from such regret does no good. Give thanks for the lesson learned (and yes, I DO know how hard that is) and start concentrating on thing you can do NOW to help the situation. Talking this over with a trained professional could really help. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, but if you have ANY doubts about how you would treat the child, it's best not to do that right now. You can't love anyone else until you love yourself. Best of luck to you! I hope you can find happiness!

Edited to add: I, myself, am adopted, and I have never felt that my mother and father are anything but that. They are my REAL parents, regardless of who gave birth to me. They feel the same, and I have never been treated any different that their biological child. I truly believe that God brought us together, and how lucky am I that we found each other even though I was technically born to someone else?

Answer 8

You have to want this. This is about you in this instance and you have the right to think along those lines. It is also a wake up call that you are not yet ready. Don't force something or accept something to make the other feel happy. It will take both of you to truly want this to happen. No one said you have to procreate and have kids. Try volunteering at some underprivileged kids organizations. That will give you some insight. And above all else don't let someone sale you on the idea its fun and all that if your not into it. It isn't being selfish!!!

Answer 9

This is a very personal topic for me, I am sure I am going to ramble here so please forgive me. As you might have gathered from my pseudonym, my wife and I are parents to an adopted baby. I do not claim to be an expert, but I will add my two cents.

Maybe, like me, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Having a child is a tremendous responsibility. Many new and prospective parents feel overwhelmed by the idea of being responsible for a helpless life. In addition, the birthmother is saying in a way "I cannot care for this child, you can do a better job". Please keep in mind that you are as imperfect as everyone else. All parents make mistakes and the vast majority of children turn out just fine.

It sounds to me that you have an additional complication in that you are blaming yourself for being infertile. I agree with others that you need some form of counseling so that you can forgive yourself.

A bit off the subject, the entire adoption process is EXTREMELY politically correct. You will come to learn to use terms like "infertile" as opposed to "barren", "birthmother" as opposed to "real mother", "place for adoption" as opposed to "give the baby away" but I digress.

If your state is like mine, and I assume it is, you will have to do some self-study in order to be eligible to adopt. Many hospitals and other community groups offer parenting classes, maybe some classes will help relieve some of your fears.

When our birthmother was nearing her delivery date, I confided to a friend that I was already feeling like an inadequate parent because I was absolutely clueless. I joked that I wished babies came with an instruction manual. He told me something I will never forget: "Don't worry, the instruction manual is in your heart".

Answer 10

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're being honest. I'd talk to a therapist. Perhaps you can work through your feelings about your past. If not, you have to continue being honest with yourself and with your husband. You may have to come right out and say "We cannot adopt a child." It's better to do that than end up disrupting an adoption somewhere in the future. Good luck to you.