should I contact my mother?

Question

I have`nt seen or spoken to my mother for nearly 20yrs.She and my ex- husband betrayed me,by having an affair for seven years.I only found out because she wanted him to leave me and our 2 children.He did`nt go and for another 4yrs I tried to make the marriage work,but we no-longer slept together and finally divorced.My children are now grown up and do not even see their father anymore or their grandmother.I do not even know if she is still alive,but I know where she lived.I am now very happily married again and my new husband, is like me, curious to know what she is like and doing these days.She would be 74yrs old now.Although I am settled now,I can never forgive her and I certainly can never forget what they both did to us as a family,but life is very short,we only get one chance.I need to know if I should give her some kind of a chance.She never even said she was sorry all those years ago,does anyone think a leopard can change it`s spots.

Answer 1

Why would you really want to bring back the past. Seems that you took control of your life and moved on. What your mother did was wrong. Your mother knew what she was doing and unless she is a complete jerk she also knew that you would never communicate with her again.

Myself I wouldn't talk to her again. Your mother really died when she decided to sleep with your husband.

Move on be happy and let it go.

Answer 2

It is a sad situation indeed. 20 years is a long time ago, I think for the sake of peace of mind try to contact her she is still your mother you know.
I don't think she can try to do the same with your current husband cos now I think she a little bit too old.

I think her where abouts are necessary at least you have a right to know whether she is dead or alive, am sure all these years she has been too ashamed to come to you and ask for forgiveness and I really doubt if they are still together with your ex that is if they are both still alive.

Am also getting curious now, did they ever have children with your ex. I think follow it up since now you are happily married and have a shoulder to lean on, and since time is the best healer of pain, I think for the past 20 years the pain has reduced no wonder you are now able to talk about.

Look for the witch.

Answer 3

Well at this point, I would say that it wouldn't really matter if a leapord could change it's spots. It's been 20 years since you have seen her and she's an old woman now.

She may regret what she has done, she has been punished a long time. Not seeing you or her grandchildren. It's really hard to say. I don't know you , and I don't know your mother..

What you can do, is get in touch with her. Tell her that you haven't forgiven her for what she has done, and you wanted to see how she was.

Don't set yourself up for dissapointment by thinking she could have changed because maybe she hasn't. Just call her with telling her you wanted to know if she was still alive in mind.. don't open your heart too far. Just enough to see if she's changed.

Answer 4

There is no need to forgive or forget. There is a need for contact though.
Go and find her, realise that she cannot touch your happiness now.
Bear in mind that you do not know how she feels now (guilt, shame, emptiness?? who knows)
Put your mind at rest and lay all the old ghosts. You never know, it might put your past into greater perspective.
Seeing her will underline what is past and will make you feel more certain about the your future with your life.
Dont go crawling, dont go raking up the past. Just make the first move and maybe let her open up.
Take your new husband incidentally, even if she fancies that one he's not gonna have an affair with a 74 year old is he?
Like I said even if you cant forgive or forget remember that happiness is the sweetest revenge!!
Trust me. I did the same and never regretted it.
xx

Answer 5

Well...since u have already said so,life is short and furthermore she is already 74 years of age,and you should know the answer urself clearly if you should go see her,cos if u have decided not to see her,you wouldn't have come in and ask about this issue....am i right to say so...and since you are now happily married with a good husband and your kids are grown up...all this things that have happened should already be buried long ago and you should just give your mother and you another chance. If you had really decided not to see her, i am afraid this might caused a great regret in your life. This is what i feel after reading your part.

Answer 6

I can understand that your new husband is curious about your family and your past.
However, you should realise that contacting your mother could be quite stressful.
If she regrets what she did there will be lots of anguish and embarrassment to go through for her and for you.
If she does not regret what happened she may be spiteful.
You may be feeling some regret at having missed a caring and mature relationship with your mother, and it could be that she now needs your care and support, but if I was you I would not bother.
She burned her bridge with you, well and truly.

Answer 7

I think u should most definately look for her.. although what she did was very wrong, people do make mistakes.. even our parents.. she is still your mom , and hopefully after all these years she will be greatful to have u back in her life, for as long as she may have left.. time to let the past go .. and hopefully she's grown up since then and would be willing to appologize .. and i think ur a big enough person to forgive, although u'll never forget..
Good luck..

Answer 8

The question you have to ask yourself is would you regret not doing it if she died?

The choice is yours, therefore it is your problem. Your decision to make.

It's obvious that you will never have the relationship you had before, but is something better than nothing at all?

You must be thinking about it, otherwise you wouldn't have asked the question. Maybe you doubt your own strength if you face it.

Ultimatley, the choice is yours.

Personally, I would make some sort of contact, but more on a friendly level. I might be reluctant to let them too close to my family.

Answer 9

That sounds like a tale from Jerry Springer, but Ouch! How life can be cruel @ times when those we truely love and cherish hurt us and don't give a damn about it..................
I admire your courage for even thinking about contacting her, its a good step, contact her and make peace with her, nobody is perfect, not even you, we all have our shortcomings and it depends on how we handle it. Forgiving Ma is going to feel like taking a burden of you even if she doesn't apologize, do it for your conscience and your children..............Like you said life is too short to be wasted, some people have more than one father, but a mother can never be two, she is your mother and not even you can change it, forgive her for the fact that she carried you in her womb for 9months and through God gave you life!
Forgive! Forgive! Forgive!
AND BE GOOD!

Answer 10

I too was estranged from my mother. She never did what yours did, though. She trashed my new husband. Told him she wished he were dead, called him some horrible names. I didn't speak to her for over 2 years. But circumstances kept bringing us together. Birthdays, etc... I will never forgive her but we at least speak occasionally. You should try to find her. I wouldn't forgive and forget, but that's your choice. You are the only one who can make that decision. Sounds like you're really happy with your new husband. This may just be what you need. Closure to a terrible time in your life. Good Luck. God Bless.

Answer 11

Change is possible. You should ask yourself the question: Why do I want to contact my mother? Explore your motives. If it is to heal yourself, and you think you can do it that way, go for it. If you think you can change her, it's probably a bad idea. The resentment you carry for her could kill you from the inside out. However, if she is still as poisonous as she was back then, do you think that is good for you? Just becase you are related does not mean you owe her anything now.