Abusive husband says his anger is caused by our financial problems. Possible?

Question

My verbal/emotionally abusive husband told me that most of his anger is caused by being financially overwhelmed. Together 12 yrs, 2 small kids. We moved to the burbs paying twice as much. I lost my job 6 months ago and everything is on him. He complains about everything. Yet he orders from ebay constanly. We have 90 days to sell the house or it will be foreclosed. I have been planning to leave and I am still scared and now it is staring me right in the face. He had refused counseling the 2nd time, now he's going back and forth. He wants to rent a house and buy a cheaper on in about 3 years.
I am just so confused because he is dr jekyl, mr. hyde. I have remained this long as he is a good provider even though he throws it in my face constantly. I don't know if I should go ahead and start a new life or what. Do you think fewer financial obligations would change him ? My mom says no because he will find something else new to rage about. He has raged at every house even affordable ones

He has been abusive for most of the 12 years regardless. He calls me name, hollers in my face and blames me for everything. All of this right in front of the kids. He's no physically abusive but he has choked me 3 times years ago.

Answer 1

Good provider vs abusive relationship = get out asap. An abuser is a bully and he takes his power from when you try to make sense out of his sayings and listen to him, when you show him your emotions. Councelling will not help you out unfortunately. After doing this to you for 12 years, he will not change. Eventually, your kids will learn his ways too.
I know it's easy to give you advice, I also know how difficult it is to leave that kind of a person, but it is possible to do it. I did and day by day, I feel stronger. And believe me if I did it, you can do it too. I felt like I was going to die sometimes, without him. I think being in this kind of situation is like a drug.. a rush of 'adrenaline' may be and when one doesn't have it, one feels lost and empty.
I know from your other question that he is out and I am happy for you. Now be strong and stay away as much as you can from him. Make sure you are never alone with him. Don't let any financial/emotional/etc matter make you take him back.
You could take your mother's offer and live there for a while, until you get back on your feet.
You were asking about self-esteem... you would get a big chunk of it by finding yourself a job and providing for yourself and your children that love you very much. Don't forget, they rather have a happy 'single' mother than a depressed mom who has no time or energy to be there for them.
Good luck to you.

Answer 2

His anger might be the result of stress over financial problems, but even so, that DOES NOT give him the right to act abusive toward you. Why exactly are you afraid to leave? It sounds like you're unhappy and if nothing else, we all deserve to be happy in this life. A marital spouse should be someone you lean on during times of difficulty, not someone you automatically have permission to dump your frustrations on. If he's refusing counseling, then he isn't even willing to work toward restoring your marriage and happiness. It sounds as though your relationship with him is long over and the best thing you can do is leave now to at least guarantee some peace and happiness in your life and possibly the lives of your children. Also, leaving might just be the shock he needs to help him realize the error of his ways. Once he sees that you're serious about not accepting his abuse, he may change his ways, although it's highly unlikely.

Answer 3

I for one don't like divorce and feel a lot of people don't try to make it work and so forth. But if he has refused counseling for the second time, I'd advise you to get away from him as soon as possible!! Your children doesn't need to be around an abusive father and neither do you need to be around an abusivie husband. I doubt it either that if you had less bills that he'd be better. He'll just find something else!!

SO GET AWAY FROM HIM!! Take care and I wish you the best!!

Answer 4

Sounds like he is under a lot of pressure right now, I'm sure he fells the load all on him right now with you out of work. Has he always been so angry in the past or not? I know as for myself when i was younger me and my girlfriend had an extremely hard time making ends meat, we both worked hard but we struggled to keep up, so we just used to laughed about it, we had our health and our babies so money was the last thing to worry about for us, we got by and made do. If he had no problems before this then he is just caving to the pressure he is under, but if he has always been a rage freak then it is time to get out, I know i have been with my girlfriend for over 10 years and i have never got out of line with her even once because i know that #1 i can't win an argument and #2 she is most of the time right in what she Say's and I'm not, plain and simple.

Answer 5

It's ok to be angry, it's NOT ok to not control your actions because of you anger. He has no right to treat you like this. I can't tell you what to do but in my case I left my verbally/physically abusive husband and I am so happy now. I left him and I had nothing. I didn't care that I had no physical posessions because I had my children and I had my life back. It's been almost 10 years since I left and I have not regretted it one second. It was hard work to get to the point that I am at now but it was well worth it. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

Hi, 12 years in marriage is good and should not be thrown away. Perhaps its true he is stressed due to money matters. Believe him and encourage him to find a solution. You said he is a good provider, maybe he enjoys doing that and now feels he is a lesser man.There are no good marriages; most couples just work on it and choose to be happy. I also recommend that you buy and read a book Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It is great. She also has classes, perhaps you should enroll. Dont throw your marriage away. Give it your best and pray constantly too. What God has put together, let nothing put it asunder. Good Luck

Answer 7

Honey, I hate to say this, but you've got to get some distance from him. Take the kids to mom's or whatever. You've got to let him know that you're not going to take the abuse. Abuse tends to escalate. If the money gets good, he'll find some other reason to beat on you. Until he realizes that the problem is HIM and that there is NO excuse for abusing you, you've got to get yourself in a safer spot.

Add to that, he's irresponsible. He's making his own problem, and blaming it on you. The boy needs help, but you need to get out for now. I know I'm repeating myself, but so many abuse victims begin to believe that they're responsible and want to do whatever they can to "fix" the problem so their man will chill out. Ain't gonna happen. Get out, and if he rages, you may have to involve the police. Let him know that there is no relationship, no going back, until he gets professional help.

Find support of some kind, parental or professional, and get out NOW.

Answer 8

please leave him and take the kids with you as the violence will continue and or they'll think that it's o.k. to be abusive. Being broke and tired doesn't give him the right to treat people like crap. Don't be afraid to leave him be strong, get a job and take care of the kids even if you have to without the fun stuff for awhile once you get over this it will be better and your kids will know you did your best.

Answer 9

He probably is under considerable stress if he is the sole provider and you may be about to lose your house.

I would bring up counseling AFTER you settle into the rented house, and things have settled down. Ask him again and if he refuses, tell him you want a divorce. That may change his mind about counseling.

stick it out for a little longer. good luck.

Answer 10

Nothing will change him, He will always find somehthing to rage about. Actually he can change, but he would have to realize he has a problem and get lots of counseling.

If he is such a good providor why are you here asking questionsa bout staying.

Gosh so many people have such freekn' crazy marriages. It makes me wonder why the H people get married