Question for younger gays and lesbians - and seniors can comment if they wish...?

Question

I guess I am a little surprized. Over and over again I see younger gays and lesbians still living at home with their folks coming on here and asking about coming out to their families. And over and over again we more seasoned people tell them to wait until they are on their own. (I'm in my 30's)

Is it really so important for you to come out when you are so vulnerable? You could be kicked out. You could find your self sent to a Dr. to make you straight. You could be cut off financially.

Why jeaprodise your security? It is one thing to be cut off from your family when you can take care of your self. But beforehand?

Does it not make sense for you to wait a few years until you are on your own and out of harms way?

Do you listen to us when we tell you to hold off?

Any comments from seniors?

I came out in my 20's

Yeah Michael! That is what I'm thinking of. Their was a drag queen that died a few years ago. She started a homeless shelter in New York for homeless queens. So many teens tell their folks and get kicked out and then move to a city where they end up selling their bodies. The straight acting gays often end up being able to move on. But the queens - because they are so different and have no one to fall back on - often never rose above the street. So that is why she started that shelter for them. When I read her eulogy I was really touched.
Plus in Minnesota they started a new mentoring program. It might still be the only one of its kind in the country. Gay couples adopt homeless gay teens. Again - the teens come out - they get kicked out and then wind up on the streets.

Answer 1

So many young men (I don't know as much about women) end up in prostitution, or being victimized by older guys because they lose support at home and have to move out before they are emotionally or FINANCIALLY able to do so, so I agree with you and that it usually the advice I give.


PS. I'm one of those "seniors" you mentioned.

Answer 2

There are reasons to wait and reasons to "come out" to your family even if you still live at home. Of course it is a good idea to have a back-up plan if your parents are not supportive like a place to live, but it's not always as easy as just ageing out.

Without a good job then it's hard to make a living wage and so you may still have to live at home and you don't want to hide it forever. It can also be like living a double life and after you are a youth finding support gets hard. There is more help out there for the teenagers in the GLBTQ community then the young adults.

And some kids get so up-set about being gay, lesbian, or bisexual as a youth that they think about killing themself. They need to know you don't have to hide, there is nothing wrong with them, and that they are not alone. In order to find support then you have to "come out" to the people around you, friends or family or both. The family is going to wonder where you go if you go to a support group and they shouldn't lie.

I think waiting until college is a good idea if you don't know the reaction you're going to get, but that is only an opinion. Each person is different and so is the life they live. I can also see how coming out sooner could help. The sooner you can be who you are the better.

Answer 3

I came out at 21, but I was still mostly financially dependent on my parents, although I did not live at home.

I guess I figured that the chance of my parents actually cutting me off was pretty slim. And it was far far far worth the risk. Continuing to fake in my life in order to get money from them was sleezy and didn't make me feel very good about me or my family.

I think there was a time when the chance of being cut off was high and it made total sense to wait until you were on your own. But times change. More parents are gay friendly, more gay kids are realizing it earlier, and more kids are coming out earlier. Now the expectation is that parents will accept you, being cut off is more rare.

As always, when to come out is a personal call. For more and more young people, the risk of being financially cut off is negligiable. And for more and more older gays, it was a certainty.

Answer 4

IF you have read any and all of my answers, you would find that I ALWAYS tell them to chill, keep it to themselves, it is information that is NOT needed, that they run the danger of being kicked out, abandoned, no support, no schooling, etc....very bad idea for NO reason that I can come up with. NEVER come out to your parents until such time as it is either necessary, or they ask straight out. Any kid who is dependent that insists on telling Best Friends (I highly advise against it), Parents (can be disastrous), girl friends ( terrible idea in High School) is taking his life, literally, into his own hands...bad idea. Some things are better kept a secret until such time as he can say "screw you if you don't like it." and go on his way. A young kid cannot do that and succeed in life. I AM a senior, I have seen FAR too much of this in my life, I have seen far too many young men thrown out of the house, abandoned by their parents as if dead. Cruel, YES. Does it happen...yes, everyday!

Answer 5

Please don't take any age references personally, but...a lot has changed. Society at large isn't keeping us in the closet as long, so we're a little more eager to share that with our parents. And, more and more, our parents are at least somewhat cool with it. I never encourage anyone to go either way on it, but I'm 20. My brother's older, and while I don't remember how old he was, he came out when he was living here. My view: Imagine the worst-case scenario (the tricky part; it's going to be different with different parents. Some parents simply will NOT kick their kids out, and the kids know it). Then, ask yourself what resources you have available to counteract whatever that worst case scenario is. If you're going to be ok, go for it. I don't think I need to tell you how painful it is to "hold off", but you might have a very different grasp of knowing and being very comfortable in your own skin, but still lying to your parents. For example, at what age did you come to terms for yourself? THAT age, as well as the average age of people coming out to friends/family etc is dropping.

In my experience, people know full well what the consequences might be, but they often feel it's worth the risk to be honest with their parents; to feel that they are being loved for who they are instead of who they're seen as.

Answer 6

HA HA if ur family loves u wich they should they will not care wether u are gay bi or strait it is a choice of your life not theres they have no roll in it so if they dont like it why stay wit them anyways?? there are plenty of places to get a job..... i am 17 i am out to my mom.... the rest of my family i d k if they know but im not wasting my brea th lol but ur family are the people who should love u through thick and thin
not that being gay is bad............ if a family member outs u i say **** them they deserve a kick in the ***.. and they not worth the time anyways lol well yeah lol thats it 4 now but no we dont listen or at least they shouldnt BE YOURSELF isnt that howthe saying goes....

Answer 7

Sure there are risks, but I'm not going to lie to make my family happy. I came out to my family when I was fourteen and had a brother who I knew would look after me if it came to that. I could have waited, but if my family is going to be that intolerant that they would kick me out just because of my sexuality, then I didn't want anything to do with them. Living a lie is like having this cloud hanging over you. Pretending to go out with guys just so that no one would know the truth, having to conceal my feelings for other girls, and not being able to date my girlfriend just because I couldn't get the truth out. I don't want to have to live like that just because I'm scared of telling my family, whatever the consequences. My family kicked me out for a week and I still felt better than all of the time I had been hiding the truth.

Answer 8

Speaking as a mother, I would hate to think my child felt she had to hide something so representative of who she is until she was away from our home. I think my children have always known I love them unconditionally. I would feel horrible guilt if any of them could not tell me something like that. My brother waited and it was probably a good thing in some ways, but some of us are better at dealing with sensitive issues like that than others.

Answer 9

I'm 16. I think I'm bisexual, but I guess you could better classify me as Questioning. I'm holding off on telling my parents until I am an adult, not only because then I will be able to take care of myself, but also because I think by that point I'll be more sure.
I know this doesn't apply to most people, I'm just sharing my situation.

Answer 10

I personally think it is not justified to let this burden of answering sexual orientation to teens. Life for them as it is, so complicated. They are burdened enough with education, acceptance of peers, , self esteem, family, financial, parent expectations, crime ....bla bla bla.

Parent should take responsibilty to know and understand their children. They need to understand stages that these teens are going through cause experimentation is always the vocab. Perhaps we need to learn to have an open mind and eliminate prejudice.

Well, at one point of time in history, parents did bury alive their female infants.......

Parent should play more proactive role in their children development.