One of my best friends just told me he's gay. Should I not tell anyone?

Question

We've been buddies for seven years and are about to start college together. We go to church together! What's going to happen to him? It doesn't bother ME that he's gay, but are people gonna think I'm gay too? I never had to deal with something like this. I live in a small town and never met a gay person before.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that he has slept with a girl before, so does that make him bisexual or something?

Answer 1

IF IT DOESNT BOTHER YOU
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

Answer 2

I don't think you should tell anyone unless he's being very open and honest and unless you have his consent to do so.

What other people thinks shouldn't bother you. If you are both into church, you should already know that. It will be normal, because of your religion, to pull away from him. It's not intentional but it will happen. Try to stay connected as much as you can. He'll need you as his friend. It's not for us to judge what's right or wrong but Jesus never rejected anyone for their beliefs or sins and we shouldn't either.

I don't think other people will have a problem with it except your church. They will make it hardest on him b/c they dont' believe you can be religious AND gay.

Most people in today's society are not always accepting but can understand a straight man being friends with a gay man. Even the gay and hetero communities accept these friendships and embrace the differences.

You're an adult and you sound like a good friend-don't let other people's opinions sway your good nature either way.

Answer 3

if he's your friend ask him if it's ok to let someone else know....
what's going to happen to him is up to him --- either he will repent or pursue his desires.
You say it doesn't bother you but you are bothered --- you are worried what others will think --- as long you are showing yourself to be a follower of Christ and being his friend don't worry about the goings on in your small town evidently he isn't the only gay person who lives there.....
It also sounds like your friend hasn't been fleeing temptations or casting down any thought that tries to exalt itself over God's Word.... see if you can help him develop a better relationship with God by being a good example so he can be encouraged to do the same thing.

Answer 4

OK, let me answer this as best I could.

No, sleeping with a girl does not make him bisexual. Alot of gay men remain closeted their whole lives, hiding from what they really are -- living miserable self-hating lives. Sleeping with women that they can only get it up for by thinking about or concentrating on the males they really wish they were with; having sex with guys they don't know only in random places and never having a relationship wtih someone they are really comfortable with and truly love -- its sad, but it is a function of a hateful society and it is getting better slowly.

Religion has never (despite its more conservative groups' assertions) changed a single man from gay to straight. Religious groups can convince people to go back into the closet (that's what its called to live as in paragraph one above), but people simply don't change. Increasing amounts of evidence points to probable genetic origins. More progressive religious groups have accepted gays (I've included a few links under sources below).

Your friend loves and trusts you enough to tell you this. He is barely beginning to come out a little. To tell others before he is ready would be to betray him. I hope you will not do that to him. I presume he judged both your friendship and your maturity levels correctly. If he did, you won't betray him, any more than you would expect him to betray you.

Do you really care if people think you are gay? Would you sacrifice a real friend to such vanity? I admit, I'm from the northeast where there is very little prejudice left on this issue (some opposition to gay marriage, but very little prejudice) -- but I can't imagine it.

Care for him, understand that its still him, just like it was before -- it didn't happen suddenly. He's been hiding it because he was afraid of reactions, but it has always been there. It's not a very big deal really. Most of our friends are straight, and none of them care that we are gay. In fact, I've only run into prejudice about a half dozen times in my life -- and I come from a small town too.

Email me if you need to/want to talk.

Peace,

Reyn
http://www.rebuff.org
[e-mail]

Answer 5

hehe I'll answer here too.

In 1975 the American Psychological Association (APA) publicly stated that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, but "the way a portion of the population expresses human love and sexuality." This change of definition was a result of serious research and experimentation of a scientist named Karen Hooker. A test done in 1990 by D.F. Swaab showed that the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN) in the brains of homosexual males were twice the size of those in the brains of heterosexual males. The SCN is a nucleus in the hypothalamus which is a region of the mammalian brain and is very involved in the control of emotions and sexual activity.

While Swaab was doing his research, Laura S. Allen found that the anterior commisure of the hypothalamus was much larger in homosexuals than in heterosexuals. The results of these two scientists' experiments proved that homosexuality is biological, since the size of both the SCN and the anterior commisure are determined during the first trimester.

Answer 6

Everyone else has pretty much covered your first question, so I'll be brief: don't tell anyone unless he wants you to. Talk to him about it first and discuss who he wants to tell, specifically.

Now I'm going to tackle your second question: Just because he's slept with a girl before doesn't necessarily make him bi (although he could be). A lot of gay guys sleep with girls either before they realize they're gay, or to try to prove to others that they're NOT gay (which is a terrible reason to sleep with someone, by the way). He might have realized he was gay after sleeping with the girl.

Hope that helped!

Answer 7

ask your friend if he wants to be 'outed' by you. usually, you let the gay person out himself.
you've known gay people your whole life; they're just afraid to 'come out' in a small town.
here is an excellent chance for you to stand up for your friend and possibly change the way people in your town think.
your friend should be more important to you than the closed-minded people in your town. who cares if they might think you are gay? small towns are tough; everyone is afraid to say something against the stream. however, you are about to start college--you will realize how big the world is and how stupid the prejudices in your small town are. stick by your friend. don't worry about people thinking he's gay, or you're gay. the fact that you are worried someone might think you are gay means the statement "It doesn't bother ME that he's gay" is not totally true.

Answer 8

First of all, it's not your place to say anything to anyone about his sexual orientation. That's his business. If you're asked about it out right I'd tell the person asking to take it up with your friend. Second of all, I think that once you're at school there is a good chance you guys are going to end up making your own entirely new set of friends. I wouldn't worry so much about what others think. If you're not gay, you're not gay! Your college years are too important to spend worrying about what other people are saying about you!

Answer 9

You should assume, especially given the small town etc. that he doesn't really want you to tell anyone. If it's relevant for some reason, say "I have a gay friend who.." If that wouldn't work, then it's probably something you shouldn't be talking about anyway. If he's getting hassle for being gay, and you are a good friend to him, there's a good chance you'll get hassle too. that's your call to make, but if he IS going to have to go through that, do you want him to go through it alone?

Answer 10

Anyone who thinks you are gay too just because you have a gay friend are idiots. The best advice I can give is to stand by your friend, and he's more likely to stand by you.

It's not your place to tell anyone that he's gay, however, if people find out and think that you are gay to, explain to them that you are not. It's as simple as that.

Unfortunately, even the simplest explenations don't get through to everyone, but the best thing about true friends is they stick with you, even if it puts them in an awkward situation too.

Answer 11

Ha! In a small town, you've met gay people before, but none of them have every come out to you before. Your friend came out to you because you are good friends, and he wanted you to be prepared for the news should you ever hear it anywhere else.

I don't think it is your job to tell anyone, but if in time it becomes known, and somebody accuses you of being gay, you can set them straight (no pun) and then proudly add, "but my best friend is!"