will i ever get my husband back?

Question

i have ran in and out of my husbands life for two years now. this last run i realized he was the one i wanted to spend my life with. now he is telling me he wnats nothing to do with me i have hurt him so bad. i realized way to late where i wanted to be. i have never felt so much pain. i jave children involved all i want is to make him happy for the rest of his life and he wont let me back in. i told him i refuse to give up. i have also cheaaaated on him alot . i love him so much. i just want one more chance and dont know how to get it i know i can make him happy if hell just let me

i did not add that for 10 years of our marriage he beat on me so pls dont just judge what i have done

Answer 1

It will not work.He beat you, then you cheated on him
You cannot love a person so much ( like you say) and then cheat on him a lot. There is no love involved in here. You just want to have him more because he has said that he wants nothing to do with you.Maybe that has touched a raw nerve and you have realized that he is no longer a push over and that you no longer appeal to him. It is this rejection that you cannot face at the moment.
both of you will be better off without each other. He wont be able to beat you anymore and hurt you and you wont be cheating on him and hurting him.
If you do get back this downward spiral will continue again as soon as one of you gets pissed off by the other.
So learn from what you have done and move on.
good luck.

Answer 2

I have no doubt you are in a place emotionally right now that is almost unbearably painful. Can tell from your Q.

However, that said, I wonder how much of this is to do with the rejection or finality of his most recent decision? Before you always knew deep down you would get back together and now this seems really and truly 'Game Over'?

Whatever the reason, I think you should take time to dust yourself down and realise that the relationship you ache for is not the one you had in reality - it is the one you wished you had - the one part of you longs for still.. but NOT the one you did have.

I think it would be no bad thing to accept that this relationship was not healthy for a long time. Domestic violence, game playing, infidelity - all of these things are not the ingredients needed for a healthy relationship..

I have no doubt that you love this man - but sometimes that is not enough. It is normal when something ends for a part of you to die too, to feel like you cannot carry on without them, to be nostalgic, to be drawn to them like a magnet etc.. all of that is normal - and a normal part of taking the next step towards getting over it.

If you have children - do them a favour. Let them have a great relationship with their Dad still and work on getting you better/healthier etc

Remind yourself if it was going to work you had over 10 years to have done it.. it would have worked then.

To go back and forth for the rest of your life like a yo-yo is madness.. one day you will meet someone new (even though at the minute that is that last thing you probably want) and this may be the best thing that ever happened to ya in hindsight.

Best of luck regardless - a broken heart is not an easy thing to mend but with determination I know you'll get there.

Answer 3

Well -- I just read that he "beat on you:... did you leave your children with him? *sigh* I sure hope not. No matter what you may or may not have done -- unless you hit him and he was defending himself -- there is no justification for ever hitting/beating someone. Angry, sure -- have the urge to hit -- sure -- but he crossed a line. Perhaps, you knew your behavior would get the response form him you got -- but he's still responsible.

Ask yourself why you think now -- now that he doesn't want you back -- why you now feel this great love for him? You both have a great deal of issues to work on -- and you have children -- they must come first.

What do you think will happen if he doesn't want you or love you? is there some "worst fear" lurking in the back of your mind? Give yourself space and time -- you are not thinking clearly now.
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PREVIOUS RESPONSE
Most likely, neither you nor your husband know what you mean when you say you love him. Trust is a tricky thing to repair. It's possible -- but not on your "schedule" -- if he is ever to trust you again -- and that needs to happen before the questions of loving and living together may be approached.

While words are cheap ... meaning your behavior must follow the course your words set down -- or your words are meaningless ... but ... you might sit down and write him -- from your heart -- not about what you want from him -- but, rather,
--why you loved him in the first place
--what loving someone meant to you then at the age you were when you first "fell in love" with him
--why you are sorry you hurt him (not about you remember-about him)
--what you may have learned about yourself during the times you were away and not with him
--what you hope for his life to be -- with or without you in it
--let him know that you can't ask him to forgive you - until you show that you are true to yourself first, and then to others around you
--be his friend, never say anything negative about him to your children
--do all you can to some your maturity -- and think of the role model you have been to your children
--assume that you are loveable -- even now-- and that as you begin to live as if others -- like your children and your husband -- are more important to you than you are -- the change in you will be apparent
--this is a life's work -- maturity is patience and faith
--be kind, hold your head up, and become an adult

Answer 4

You said it yourself, you are waaaaaay too late. Come on, Honey - you cheated on him, you played ping pong with his heart, and now you think you want "just one more chance" ? I feel pretty strongly that this ain't gonna happen for ya.

The pain you feel is nothing like the pain you have inflicted. On your husband-to-was and your children. The fact that you actually could do that (the fliting in and out of his life and the cheating) ESPECIALLY when there are children involved just SCREAMS immaturity. And I think the chances are good your soon-to-be ex (if he is not already) has finally heard it. It's like the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf - you don't have any more credit left. No one believes you and they have reason not to do so.

Now, all that negativity being said, the only thing you can do is offer to go to counseling with your husband --- it may be that he needs a place to vent and rant and rail at you before he can even begin to contemplate the idea that you may have changed. If you have, indeed, had an epiphany, you are going to need to be able to articulate that - as to why you had it, when you had, what brought it about --- just why HAVE the scales fallen from your eyes and now you can see he is the best thing since sliced bread ? AND you are going to have to grovel and take all the hits for the pain you have caused, so plan on that. But if you get him to go to counseling with you, then you will at least have a shot at convincing him you have changed.

God help you if you get that chance and it turns out you haven't.

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Post script: Oh, full information is always good. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT HE BEAT ON YOU FOR TEN YEARS ???? (That wasn't posted when I started writing.) NO, NO, NO - do not go back to him - that's insane!

Answer 5

My first concern is he BEAT ON YOU for TEN YEARS?! Why would you want him to be happy? My ex beat on me for two years and if he rots in hell I will be fine with it. Whatever he does now is his deal and if he's happy so be it, if he's not that's ok too.
This sounds more of an addiction than an relationship. You will never ever make this man happy because he is not happy himself. When you are unhappy can someone make you happy? If so, it doesn't lasts forever. That's on you and no one else. He must make himself happy. He's trying to make you feel guilty by saying you've hurt him too much. Hasn't he hurt you enough? I realize you may have real feelings for the man and it's hard to leave but damn don't let this take over your life. This relationship seems to be about three things: beatings, cheating and you trying to make him happy. Does he try to make you happy? I bet he doesn't. I'm sorry to say this, but I think the best thing is to give up. I know, you don't want to but should your children grow up thinking it's okay to be lying, cheating and beating? I would hope you'd want better than that for your children. Do you "love him so much" or is it a cas of co-depency and therefore addiction? I'd think seriously about that before I tried to make him happy again. It's not your job to make him happy. Until you find peace within yourself and happiness for you, you will never make anyone else happy. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

Let me Guess... Trust me this time will be different! How many times have you said this to him. OR Well I promise I wont ever do that again. What is wrong with you women and why are the men always called the problem. All he (probably) wanted was a normal life and a wife who loved him. But ended up with you. Don't know why he is still with you. But insecurity comes to mind. Never leaving the house without him comes to mind. I would dump you.

Answer 7

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to let you back into his life. If the situation were reversed you would be on here whining about how badly he treated you. You need to grow up and face the fact that you messed up and sometimes there is no fixing that. You have to live with the consequences of your actions. Hopefully you can be a better mother than you were a wife. And if you love him so much, why did you cheat on him? That doesn't make any sense.

Answer 8

Its women like you that make it hard for every other woman out there to have a great marriage/relationship. I do not feel sorry for you at all. You deserve to be alone. I know that I may sound a little harsh but there is no excuse for cheating. I at least hope that you soon to be x-hubby forgives you but it sounds like to me that he isn't going to take you back. If it would have been him who did those things to you I doubt that you would have taken him back. I think it would be best if you just move on and let him live his life and you live yours. I just don't think it was meant to be. If you truly wanted to be married to him and loved him you wouldn't have cheated on him. Oh and if he beat you why in the HELL would you want him back. I have to take back what I said in the first few lines, sounds like you two deserve each other.

Answer 9

I think you should just let him go. You have hurt him way too much, and it's too late. I believe in saving a marriage, and all, but honestly he would have major trust issues with you, and it would get on your nerves after a while, believe me. You are the one who wanted out. You might have to just learn from this mistake and move on. I hate to have to tell you that, but it's true. I mean, why would he want you back? He's probably scared that you'll do the same thing over again. Good luck.

Answer 10

sounds like you burnt a lot of bridges that can not be rebuilt..... that is why we as married ppl need to think with our hearts and NOT other parts of our bodies.... we should also and foremost have God in our lives and let Him guide us in these things.... right and wrong....... you sound as if you may be pushing the guy just a little to much here..... you have to earn his trust.... and you may never be able to reach the point of return.... and can you really blame him ? if you have done all you say you have, would you, if he had hurt you that much, take him back ? just because he says he is changed man ? I think not !! so why would you even think he would take you back after you hurting him that much ? a human heart can only take so much pain..... we get to the point where we say NO MORE ! and I think he is at that point.... if you love him like and how much you say you do, then maybe it is time to let him go, so he can find happiness... and just maybe with time and care and patience and a show of remorse from you, and a showing that you can change and be trusted , he may find it with you....... never say never... but it all falls on you to prove and to change..... so back off !!!!!! that is the first thing...... and then go on with your life........ make urself into a decent and caring and loving person again....... we all have good in us... sometimes we just get lost in the shuffle of the world...... God bless