Can you love too much? I find it difficult to share my baby. How can I deal with these emotions?

Question

My baby is 6 months old + I am a first time mum, married. Complex emotions with the in-laws. When they hold her or monopolise her too much, I find myself getting knots to the tummy, major apetite loss occurs, I feel obelete almost and so now I find it increasingly difficult spending time with them. I want her to want me and her daddy only and find it so hard to share her with them.

In trying to rationalise my emotions, I realise there could be some emotional baggage from my past. Last in a large family, I often felt overlooked as a child + have spent a lot of my life overachieving to get noticed. Perhaps I felt a bit unloved + so am seeking to mend old wounds with daughter.

Also, moving home several times has seen friends slip away + I see my daughter as 1 true pure love to cherish in the absence of other contacts.

In the gentlest of ways, I asked my in laws to space their regular visits to us + now risk alienating my husband who is very close to them.

Advice sought pls!

Answer 1

Yes sweetie you can . You can love too much . Trust me , almost all the first time mothers go through the same anxiety which you are facing but don't worry everything is going to be alright . Nobody can love your baby the way you do because you have given her birth . You have put in not just your time and attention but your emotions too . And I can also make out that you have not just given her , her life but also yours & so you are possesive , highly caring and so the stress level is high .
I also agree you might be seeing yourself in her so trying to fill the gaps so that she doesnt feel deprived of anyhting . You try to be her world so that she can have everything on earth .
All this will take its own time to settle down . Its all emotional/mood swings which start occuring from the time of pregnancy .
Meanwhile , what you can do is talk to your husband to take care of your baby say for 1 hour , during which you please do whatever you enjoy . Chatting over the phone , tv, shopping, dance etc. Anything which you enjoy . Start meeting other mothers having infants so that you can talk to them & let your baby enjoy other baby's company .
Personally I feel , more than anything you need an assurance preferably from your husband that he is there for you and the baby & you all will have a perfect healthy & normal life . Husbands sometimes take time but they do . Till then dont lose hope and take care . Things are going to be very different six months down the line but they will be better . Good luck !!!!

Answer 2

Can any human love too much? No, that is not possible.

That you find it difficult to share your baby is a different problem entirely. This is a common problem, but at least you realize that this may not be healthy for the child. There may not be a rational reason for you to feel this way, but emotions are seldom, if ever, rational. Even if you knew why you feel this way, it might not help you deal with the emotions.

This is more than protection. In some ways, it might be considered selfish or even controlling. Jealousy may be a part of what you feel. Add to this mixture the typical post-partum depression and you could easily back yourself into a very uncomfortable position.

The first thing you need to do is discuss these feelings with your husband. What you have not considered is the effect that your time with the child is doing to your relationship with him. This problem is best looked upon as both of yours, not just your personal problem. You need to tell him everything that bothers you about this. He will need to listen carefully. Together you should form a plan as to how to deal with this and it might include leaving the child with the in-laws while the two of you go out (or back home to bed).

When things are okay between you and your husband, then you may want to talk with the in-laws.

If you continue to have feelings that disrupt your life and relationships and cannot work these out then you should consider professional counseling. Do not allow what might be a small problem to mushroom into something big enough to destroy your marriage.

Answer 3

I don't think it is possible to love your babies too much. But what you are describing isn't healthy for you or your daughter. I know she is your baby but she is also your in laws' grandaughter. They have a lot of love and affection to give her too. And there is more to you than being your daughter's mother. It is very easy to lose your identity as an individual when you have children but I think it is important to hold onto something of your old self/old life before the baby came along. Women who fail to do this are almost always the ones who have nervous breakdowns or behave out of character when their kids leave home. There literally is nothing else for them but their kids and their husbands.

You sound very self aware and it is a very positive sign that you have been able to step back and recognise that there is a potential problem with this. I do think you need to look into what is going on with your emotions. I find myself wondering if you are worried for your daughter and you are shielding her from a potential withdrawal of affection on the part of your in laws at some point in the future? I am sure, even if you grew up feeling overlooked, it wasn't always that way. Perhaps you received loads of attention for a while and then the attention was removed summarily, which would explain your desire to be the only one your daughter needs. But you might be doing her a better service if you teach her to deal with disappointment and grief in a balanced way.

I am not sure how frequently the in laws visit. If they come every day or every other day, that might be a bit much. Perhaps you could suggest that they visit you once a week and the baby visits with your husband once a week? That way, they get to see their grandaughter twice a week and there is less tension on your part. You may need to ask your husband to help you out with this and indulge you, while you figure out what is going on. I am sure it will improve with time but if not, perhaps you could have a chat with your doctor, who should be able to refer you to someone who specialises in dealing with the issues you describe.

Answer 4

I find NOTHING NOTHING wrong with the way you feel. You are a new mother and this shows your love and protection for your child. You feel like no one knows how to do this or that right. Only you or your hubby. I say this because I was the same way. As far as the in laws coming over all the time that will tend to annoy you especially with first child you think this is your time with u child and childs dad and you just had a baby not too long ago (6 months) you are still recovering from birth its a long process from mind to body. Things will get better just try your best to share and remember that is your baby and no one will take her from you. Also know they love her !

Answer 5

Your instincts are very strong, and the bond you have with your baby is great. The more you allow your baby to interract with the inlaws and people in general, the more relaxed you will become. At the moment you are extremely bonded with your baby and are watching every move others make whilst in direct contact with your baby. This is because you don't want any harm coming to your baby. I even watch my husband with one eye frequently, and when my parents are holding my baby, I find myself constantly circling around the baby to the extent where my mum tells me to sit down, drink my coffee and relax. It is quite strange, she brought 3 kids up and is every way a perfect gradma, but its amazing how your instinct works, you just can't help yourself. But you must 'let go' a bit by bit because although you are responsible for the child, you don't own her. You gave her life, now you must let her live it, explore, come in contact with the world around her and that means you need to relax a bit and learn to trust. Imagine, when you go back to work (if thats your plan), it will be a big shock for you as a mum and will suffer, and won't be able to concentrate on anything other than your baby. This won't do anybody a favour. Go make yourself a cup of tea, and chill for a bit, you deserve it.

Answer 6

Not sure its anything to do with emotional baggage actually. I think the feelings are completely normal coz I feel the same about my daughter. Its just mothering instincts which will settle down. You need them at the beginning. Its natures way of making sure there's no way u will let your baby come to any harm but the feelings / hormones are probably just taking a while to settle down. Mine have settled a bit but only very recently and my baby is 13 months.

Maybe these people aren't the best role models for your baby? Do they have values/beliefs you don't agree with? If so your instincts will be screaming at you to keep their contact with your baby limited.

That's not to say you don't have issues from your childhood as you wouldn't have mentioned them if the issues weren't bothering you so maybe see a doc about that but in my opinion the two things aren't connected.

Answer 7

What you are feeling is normal although perhaps a little intense. I think you may have a mild case of depression. I know this affected me when my son was born and I worried constantly that if I wasn't looking after him then how could he be safe?
You mention that you have moved and lost friendships - i think this may be contributing to your feelings. I went back to work when my son was 6 month old and although i missed him at first I realise that for me it was the turning point. Once i had work to focus on i managed to get things in perspective.

Can you find a group to join ? Once you start sharing problems they do seem to become lighter.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Some people just don't communicate well. Do you really talk much? Many couples communicate very little. They might talk a little about some of the things that happened to them that day ... buy not much about ideas, and feelings. The problem could be just communicating in general. You need to make time to talk ... and if this hasn't been established from the start ... most guys hate this. Once a "watch TV , bump uglies" routine is in place ...it's hard to change.

Answer 9

I am only looking out for your best interest, so please don't think I mean to offend. These are NOT normal feelings associated with parenting, and I think it may be very helpful to seek the advice of a mental health professional for guidance. Your child's purpose is not to be your true love or to make you happy. In fact, more often than not, they will cause you to worry, and even will hurt your feelings some day. It is very possible and even likely that these feelings could cause you to parent in a way that could be emotionally and psychologically damaging to your child. It is very important for you to seek treatment and clear up your emotional problems so that you can be the best and healthiest parent you can be! I am wishing you luck and all the best!!!

Answer 10

I have two kids of my own, a 4 year old and a 10 month old. I experienced some of those same feelings when I first had my son. ...I have come to realize however that my son will grow up and he WILL want to spend time with other adults and kids. If I try to restrict him then I start to push him away from me (and others who are important to me are pushed away too) instead of creating a bond. And try to remember that your daughter WILL leave you one day....and soon. School comes quickly , then college, then marriage. Practice sharing her now before you push her away from you forever as a teen. In the end you'll be happy when you have shown your daughter how to have healthy relationships......especially when she has children and you want her to share them with you.. Look to the future...it comes very quickly with kids. Enjoy your precious child and let others see what a beautiful child she is too. You'll be happier and so will she and your husband in the end.