What should I do? My fiance always sides with his son.?

Question

When the boy and I have a problem between us (I am 27, he is 16), his father always listens to his son's side of the story and NEVER listens to mine. The kid can do no wrong. It's always MY fault when we have problems. I was without a vehicle for almost 3 years b/c we had no money, but he goes out and spends 14K on a dirtbike for his son. Something just doesn't add up here.

Answer 1

Dear Frogwild79,

It sounds like there is more than one problem from what you're asking here. Let's try and take it one at a time. First of all, you are marrying an instant family. Although you didn't have any kids before, voila! You have them now. Your boyfriend and his son.

One huge problem your fiance will probably find extremely difficult to get over is, the age factor between you and his son. In an argument, he is not looking at you as his equal partner and wife, but more like an older sister to his boy. Dad's usually favor their boys.

Let's back up a bit here, too. How long has your ex been apart from the first administration, or his first wife? What were the complications in that marriage? What were the big fights attributed to? The reason I'm asking is it's better for you to understand the whole picture.

All of this is purely speculation and my opinion, but surely something to consider.That boy could have been a product of an abusive situation. Who knows, there may have been problems in the womb? Was the child born with an addictive problem, besides the natural one with his Dad? Do you know the whole truth & nothing but the truth? Probably not, the wives' or wives' to be are usually the last to know.

Normally, I would say sit down and talk with your fiance and tell him how he's making you feel. The problem is, he doesn't look at you as his equal, but more like a child yourself. Which explains why "he always listen's to his sons side of the story and NEVER listens to yours." Marriage councelling may work, but I already have an idea what he would say to that suggestion.

You already know the answer to your question, it's just a matter of validation. It's okay to want to be treated as an equal in a relationship. In fact, it's awful nice to be on someone's pedestal. Not gonna happen with this guy. That chair is being filled by junior.

It's very hard to answer one question, when there is so much at hand. Given this only insight to your relationship, I would have to say, you're young and probably have a lot to offer someone without all that baggage.

It sounds like he's treating YOU like a red-headed step-child. You were without a car for three whole years? His kid ends up with the fancy dirt bike? Run, don't walk from that situation. Don't hang around and cry to make him see your point. Blood is thicker than tears, his boy will ALWAYS be his boy. The only thing I'd let him see is the dust left behind at the doorway upon my exit.

Please don't get caught in the trap a lot of women do by thinking they can change their man or things will get better if you got married. Unfortunately for you, relationship like this, usually gets worse. You sound like a woman that loves too much and has a great deal to bring to any table in a relationship. You can find plenty men willing to put you on the pedestal you deserve and treat you like an absolute queen. Doesn't that sound better than competing for your man's affection with a snot nosed kid, who will ALWAYS win?

It's better to cut your losses now, rather than 20 years, 5 kids and 40 pounds down the road in some messy divorce.

Let's add this up:

1 he never sides with you
1 he hides money/finances from you
1 he hasn't told you enough to decide marriage
1 he doesn't love you like you love him

1, 2, 3, 4 Kick him out the phunkin door!

See? It all adds up now?

Best of the best to you in your life!
Regards,
Raylene♥

Answer 2

I know this from experience all too well, he still regrets not being there for his son and maybe the relationship he had with the mother....The relationship with his son will not change, if I were you, I would not rush to marry him, if it is this way now it will be worse when you get married...I am not saying that he shouldn't do things for his son but in some things you should come first and there should be some ground rules to follow...His son should respect you and the dad should make him respect you...You and he need to come to some kind of understanding and really talk about these issues...There is a deeper reason why he takes sides...In marriage, you and he are one, there shouldn't be any division or separate rules...or else the child will know how to manipulate you against his dad...If he didn't have money to fix your car or buy you one, there should not have been no dirt bike, this is a red flag really reconsider, search your heart and ask will you be really happy in this relationship...How is the relationship with his son's mother and with your fiance's mother? Take your time, open your eyes, and ask yourself can you really live like that forever......

Answer 3

I think your situation is felt by MANY a woman walking in on a father child relationship... I was feeling it this morning. His daughter plainly lied in front of his face, gave me a nasty snide look, and he got on me for saying he shouldn't have let her get away with it. I am also 27 and his daughter is 11. She gets away with murder, but let my child do something he doesn't approve of. I wanted to strangle the idiocy out of him...

What you should do, since you are talking about how he made you go without a car and now purchases a 14k dirtbike for him, is leave the jerk... there is something wrong with his father son relationship, and you will never break in to that. You will alwaysfeel this way if you allow it to continue... most people on here are going to tell you to talk to him and tell him how you feel... but they are wrong... it will do you no good and will start a horrible arguement... in his eyes, he and his boy do no wrong... nothing you do or say will make it any better. He has had 16 years to get his head straight on how he needed to be a father and how to be a loved one in a relationship...

Answer 4

BIG PROBLEM..

If you plan on marrying this man and making him apart of your family, you obviously know that his son is apart of the package. If he son already does not respect you and that is what I'm getting from your question, it is only going to get worse as the he get's older. I mean he's already 16! You really need to sit down with your fiance and really really really talk to him about this and try to get him to see things from your perspective. It sounds like your fiance may be trying to be overprotective of his son because of maybe some guilt that he feels for not being an active father. I don't know the details of the situation, but I do know if this is not immediately addressed, it is only going to get worse, and YOU are the only one that is going to be affected by it.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Well blood is thicker than water! And you are not the most important to your to be husband ,his kids are.So dont get into it with his son ,Stay clear and there will be no more fights! Its none of your business what he gives his son ! You wont win! Your guy has baggage and you knew it! Bet the kid gets most in his will too .So you might want to check it too!Your guy is not a good catch! So if you leave him just think what the next chick will go thru!

Answer 6

If this is all true you need to drop him and move on with your life. You are way too young to trap yourself in this situation.

I know it may sound harsh, but if he is committed to you he would be working on learning how to balance his responsibilities to both you and his son. Until you are married, his son must come first. However once you are married he must make you the higher priority. However as the adult your opinion and point of view needs to be considered and if he is not doing that then you need to consider a change in your life.

Answer 7

I consider dearellastella, you will desire to take a seat and communicate together with her, possibly take her to lunch or something at a place she likes. Ask her why she does not such as you (even however you comprehend factors of it) and then seek advice from her enable her comprehend you arent attempting to take her mom's place, and you met her father after the divorce. seek advice from he like an person. the only question I truly have is, became there any hostility between him and his ex spouse while they separated? if so, it ought to be the female's mom that planted it in her head which you are the clarification in the back of their divorce. My dad did that to me while my mom and him divorced. after a pair years she married yet another guy and my dad blamed each and every little thing on her new husband. by the way, supply it it slow, she ought to heat as much as ya!

Answer 8

Once you're a Mom you will understand your child coming before anybody else in your life... and so they should.

You'd better start trying to get along with your future-step son if you want any future marriage to work. It sounds like a power struggle... one you will always lose if you put yourself between a mother or father and their child.

Answer 9

Yes,your right,something doesn't add up.Your 27 and his son is 16???That's got to be a problem.Have you evre thought of trying to at least date an older man,without a child of that age???I would move on and find someone else and let him move on.

Answer 10

Something is wrong there no doubt. Either call him on this bizarre action of his, or demand to be heard. Stand up for yourself and show him how the cow eats the cabbage. Send the kid to a foreign schooling program. YIKES...(and you plan on marrying this candy @ss?)