My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is 9 years old and doesn't like me? How do I deal?

Question

My husband and I have a 7 month old baby boy together and whenever his daughter comes up to visit my husband and I always fight. How do I handle this and handle his daughter not liking me?? She seems to love it when we argue! =(

Answer 1

A nine year old knows enough to make trouble but not enough to realize how serious the trouble could actually get. It sounds like she is jealous of you and the new baby and is afraid her dad may "like you more". You also may harbor hidden feelings of resentment regarding his previous life and the attachments to it that still exist, like the child. You can't be her friend and be a parent too. You may have to bite your tongue once in a while, but keep your baby's wellbeing always in mind. Maybe you can involve her more in helping care for the baby and make being a "big sister" something she finds attractive, especially if she thinks it makes her dad happy. Try really hard not to put your husband in the middle or make him feel he has to choose between the two of you. Find a time when you are both having an open discussion and tell him that some of the problem is his behaviour toward you when the girl is there and his behaviour toward her as well. You are his wife and the mother of one of his children. You have the right to expect a certain amount of backup. She is his daughter and needs to feel that he still loves her even if he has a new baby and a new wife. Most of this will probably settle in time, just don't let resentments and bad feelings fester because they will find a way to surface at the most unfortunate times and carrying around stuff like that will rob you of your joy in your child and your relationship with your husband.

Answer 2

His daughter will allways want her parents to be together. If her mom has not a new man in her life, the possibility is still open for her. You having the baby is of course a drawback for her, so this is a threat for her. She understand that this makes the situation worse. I do not think that she can understand this consiously. I think it is subconsiously.

Added to this problem is her jealousy for the baby. She is afraid daddy will love baby more. She can tell the baby is more helpless and gets more attention from both you and daddy. This is stressful for her.

If you really want to have a relationship with this girl, you need to involve yourself in her life. Try to understand how this little girl is trying to cope. How she is not able to set into words her own feelings. Understand how she needs love and attention. Let her have some responsibilities and let her have a relationship with the baby.

You need a change in the whole situation to make it better; It is not fair to think that she is the one how is going to have to change. She is just a kid. The change must come from the grownups. You, daddy and her mom. You must talk this over and decide what you can to to make her feel safe and loved.

If you have mixed feelings about her, imagine her mixed feelings towards you...

Best wishes and good luck.

Answer 3

your husband need to sit down and talk to your daughter about what is going on, most likely she is angry that her dad and mom are not together anymore and isn't ready to accept the fact that your dad now has another relationship but it has nothing to do with his love for her because she will always be his daughter, but in seeing you it is a reminder to her that her parents could not work things out, when he is done talking things over with her suggest that the three of you sit down and get everything out in the open tell her that while you are married to him that you cannot take her mom's place and that you would like to have a relationship with her and can actually be a friend to her or a second mom if she would give you the chance to be....

Answer 4

Hate to say this but look at it from her perspective (which is myopic, narrow-minded, and VERY selfish) here's the woman who has taken my daddy away from my mom (somewhere back in her mind SHE may think she's at fault as children have an amazing ability to take responsibility for bad things on their own shoulders), and is the ONLY thing standing between my parents. (Yeah, I know it's not logical, but kids aren't.) So how would YOU look on yourself? You'd hate this terrible woman and try your best to drive a wedge between them.
Not much you can do as far as discipline. Your husband needs to lay down the law to her that her behavior has consequences so that if she is disrespectful toward you she pays a high price. If he can't do that, your road is that much tougher.
As for you, can you find it in your heart to feel her pain and suffering? She's going to be very unlovable for sure. It's got to be be monumental task for you. It might help to ask her about her feelings and thoughts and just listen with no judgement whatever. Absolutely no, "You shouldn't feel that way." stuff whatever. Just let her talk.
You've got the toughest job there is in the world.

Answer 5

I think it would depend on what you are fighting over. Talk with him about it during a time when his daughter isn't there. He may be able to discuss it with his ex.

Polarization towards split parents of any kind is not good for kids. My ex tries to pull a lot of that with our daughter. It drives my husband nuts. He has told her on more than one occasion we don't love her because we won't let her live with him on the other side of the country, or because we don't spoil her rotten, or because we don't let her talk to him. He gets to talk to her every time he calls. If we miss the phone, we usually call back. He calls her usually once every 6 months. His family has called us liars to my kids in front of my husband. They've tried to force visitation that in this state (WA) they can't do.

I think once he realizes what you are seeing, he will be able to work some things out with you and his daughter.

Answer 6

And she'll continue to do this if she sees her actions are working to your frustration. You are the adult and you have to establish some relationship, even if it isn't a sweet, stepmom role. Your husband should help facilitate relationship and call her out on her behavior. Establish rules and consequences that both you and your husband follow through on. Don't tolerate her attitude. No, of course you'll never be mom, but you are a part of her dad's life. Be strong.

Answer 7

Don't feed the beast....in other words don't fight in front of her....remember she's 9 and in someways your going to have to be 9 also to deal with her, keep in mind also that her mother may be aggrivating the situation or she is feeling torn in loyalties..your husband and you must keep a united front in front of her, argue later pick your battles don't always try and win every fight...

Good Luck.

Answer 8

I have a similar situation and wouldn't wish the pain and agony you probably go through, like me, on anyone. I believe thee are good kids and bad kids. We started recording her phone conversations because she would tell lies to both families of how she was being abused by both sides. every time we saw her. I guess she never acceted me because aways may be natural enemies.