so what do u think?i wrote this poem for a girl. i'm from a non-English country so pls don't be too harsh (just kidding: gimme ur best shot).she refused... but now I know it was better this way... it was just a crush... still... this is it:
As u awoke my eyes with the light of your view,
Cause for me this feeling is almost like new,
This love began as a mistery
Crossing the border between u and me,
The light of your soul embraced my heart, not giving it hope but braking it apart,
My faded dreams began to live and from the top of the elbow to the end of the sleeve,
A shiver emerged with the speed of light,
Crossing the border between day and night.
And as the day misses its night,
As the sun misses its bright,
As the sea misses its waves,
As an army misses its braves
And as time misses the hours,
As the land misses the flowers,
I miss u every day u are
Not around me, but more ... far.
I'd want to be from all the guys
The one behind your hazel eyes.
2006-07-31 03:01:19 · 33 answers · asked by vanu_ltz 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
it's my first poem ever
2006-07-31 05:05:47 · update #1
It's very subtle, light and sensitive.
This poem is perfect to say to a woman when you are helping her insert her tampon inside her bloody vagina.
2006-07-31 03:06:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The poem is nice, and it has a decent flow to it. However, as a young, professional woman, I would think it a bit cheesy if addressed to me. I guess it depends on how well you knew this girl. For a good friend this might be appropriate. For someone you don't know well, on the other hand, perhaps a lovey dovey poem is a little scary or even embarrassing or confusing?
You should know the woman you're addressing before you actually give her something like this. If you know she's a practical, grounded woman, you probably would decide that this isn't the way to her heart. If she's a gushing, romantic girly girl, this might be just the thing! Know what I mean? Besides, showing her that you've taken the time to know her and approach her in way you've thought out and actually determined will be the best way to reach her heart would be such a fantastic compliment and the nicest form of flattery! Best of luck to you in the future.
2006-08-07 07:50:03 · answer #2 · answered by lawyerchic315 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, the last line "behind your hazel eyes" sounds too much like the Kelly Clarkson song "Behind these Hazel Eyes". Also, using a word repetitively works in a poem, as long as it is the right word.. "misses" is not one of them, it's too many "sss" it's hard to say and read. I admire your bravery of giving this to just a crush, I think you should save it for an actual girlfriend, but that's just my opinion. Always use spell check before giving a girl anything or else she will fault you on that.. (good tip). Try to write a poem without rhyming, read some Emily Dickinson.. her poems are a fantastic example of non rhythmic and no punctuation, yet they make perfect sense. My poems never rhyme unless they absolutley have too, and then it's just a few lines out of the entire poem. there is a website called www.poetry.com where people just like you enter there poems, go check it out. sorry it didn't work out with the girl, it was a valiant effort. take care. peace.
2006-08-01 07:50:00 · answer #3 · answered by ERnurse 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion it is a little strong for writing about just a crush and giving it to her to read but how could she not like it? If a guy wrote me a poem that is that sweet and sensitive, I'd start to cry because of the knowledge that he took time to write a poem for me that is beautiful and delicate in it's own special way. Don't put it towards her that she rejected it because of the poem but that she doesn't understand the concept of romance.
2006-08-01 09:24:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, it's nice! I admire everyone who can write a poem 'cause I know it's not easy, but it sounds like you were very inspired. Too bad she said no. By the way, I catch a Coldplay influence, maybe. Anyway, it's sweet ;)
2006-07-31 03:22:19 · answer #5 · answered by interpreters_are_hot 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How could she have refused you after that? What a wonderful poem. As I read it, I could almost hear it as lyrics to a good song. Keep writing!
2006-07-31 03:23:18 · answer #6 · answered by KW 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was great! Send it to her. I wish I could write a poem that long. There is a lot of passion in it.
2016-03-27 08:35:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mystery.
Actually a very fine poem. Any girl or woman should like it.
I hope that you continue to study, read, and write poetry.
2006-08-04 15:08:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Much better than anything I wrote when I was younger!! I truly enjoyed it. Especially the part that starts And as the day...
Good job!
2006-07-31 05:39:05 · answer #9 · answered by sp_isme 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my heart will melt if that poem was given to me. regardless if it has wrong grammars or spelling. writing a poem for a person is such an effort.. you could be a very romantic partner. keep it up!
2006-08-04 20:53:10 · answer #10 · answered by julian 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋