Help.. im not understanding whats going on with my husband?

Question

My husbands a good man, good husband for the most part, excellent dad.. but our sex life is really bad, and causing me emotional heartache.. Basically in the 4 yrs we've been together 3 and a half of them its pretty much been the same .but gotten worse with time..especially since we got married a little over a year ago.. its gotten to if i dont instigate our sex life it doesnt happen, and unfortunately im one of those low self esteem , emotional women, that i need to be desired, craved, wanted, lusted, made to feel pretty ect. so its not the physical part of sex that i crave as much as the emotional part.. He says he loves me, wants me sexually just doesnt have the desire to have sex with me..or anyone for that matter..gives all these excuses cigs, age,stress from work , Stress from his x wife, caffene, ect the list goes on and on.. ive talked to him, ive cried, we've had 2 weekends this month with out any kids, and still nothing..i feel like he loves me, just not attracted to me..

have talked, ive talked, ive cried, ive argued, ive pleaded, begged ect.. he usually gets defensive and shuts down.. discussed him going to the doc and he kinda blew that off as well..

No it doesnt make him sick atleast not to that degree lol.. he usually once a week or maybe once every two weeks, will wake up in that a.m.. to do a quickie, just enough to get himself off, then promise later to actually make love to me u know to actually take care of my needs, but never goes through with it..

Answer 1

Hi Bre B!
I have just read your entries. It sseems that this is really bothering you. I think you should act. My previous point stays:
It seems that he is very much afraid of confronting reality. What this reality is, may not be what you would like to hear. Some men have difficulties in accepting the sexual component of marriage. They married a "mom" and not a partner. He may also be sexually disfunctional. But there are two other bad scenarios: 1. He may be does not want the relationship with you anymore (even if he cares about you) or he may be seeing some one else. In both cases he is afraid of telling you. Either way, if he does not want to talk to a counselor, maybe you should. And keep this card in the game: May be the only solution is for you to separate. In this case prepare a strategy for economical survival for you and your children.

Answer 2

Sorry to tell you - he doesn't have a problem, but you do. Men and women all have unequal sex drives. Couples have to find ways to balance their needs. It seems your sex drive is much higher than his, based on your own admission of insecurity.

If this was purely a sexual frustration on your part, I'd suggest masturbation to resolve it. But since this is more an emotional thing for you, you need to go into counselling to find out why you aren't just happy with a loving faithful man.

He may be right that smoking, stress etc are the problems for him - but since he doesn't see this as a problem, you will not be able to stop him smoking, or change any other habits - people only change when they want to.

One thing you could do to reduce the stress on him though is to keep quiet about sex. Try not saying anything. Don't get in a mood, don't try to initiate sex, don't cry, beg, or even talk about it for a month. You may actually be one of the stressors that are putting him off the idea. Take the pressure away - get busy with some outside interest like a charity or something. Get out of the house some of the time he's home to give him some space. See if changes you can make in YOU will allow him to come back to a place in himself where he WANTS to make love to you spontaneously.

If it doesn't happen, just learn to enjoy the good aspects of your relationship. You are actually very lucky to have a good man that cares about you and isn't looking for love outside his marriage.

Answer 3

First of all, the reasons your husband has given you are all medically proven to decrease his ability and desire. You also have to realize that a person's libido is inherited. If your husband does not have a high libido then possibly some of the libido enhancing drugs could help. However if it is psychological then there may be a deeper problem. Counseling may or may not help. The main thing you can do is support him and let him know and feel comfortable and loved. You state that its the emotional experience you crave, maybe by cuddling and kissing intimately could give you what you desire. You may also try some other activities like taking a bath together. Sometimes things such as this may either stimulate both of you or just place you both in the mood. I hope this helped. Just know you aren't the only couple with this problem.

Answer 4

Look, you married him for better or worse, and right now it's worse, so you have to stick with him. How long have you known him and how long were you married? 13 years? Right now, he's a dou$hebag but he's been neglecting your needs for so long it has made you resentful. I applaud you for going through this with such dignity. Would any normal woman divorce him? Yes, most would. But most normal men and women are emotional children without any appropriate education on marriage and relationships and who contribute to the high divorce rate. You hate him, you don't want to be in the same room as him... that's NORMAL in any long term relationship at one point or another. I love my man & I can't tell you how many times I wanted to leave the room. But I know he loves me and I know he cares about me, and when I'm in a better more positive mood, I do want to be in the same room as him. Listen, the solution is NOT to talk to him or demand your needs or try to leave him, or try to explain your point of view. The solution is to get a heart-felt "IN HIS SHOES" perspective. Try to understand, for 60 days, where he's coming from regardless of your needs. Take care of your own needs, but just try to understand HIM without expecting anything in return. I'm not saying do stuff for him and act like a servant while he sits on the couch... I'm saying ask yourself WHY he's on the couch, what may be going through his head, how bad he must feel at not being able to provide and be enough of a man for his woman. Why does he have a need to lie. What could he be feeling now? I would start there. It's really hard to do this without money. Maybe see if his family or your family can help for a while.

Answer 5

I do agree that it is quite frustrating. There may be some real problems ,, some mental block...My personal experience is that in the initial years of marriage, I also didn't like it very much. The act was done by me more as a duty....but half way through when I start to enjoy it was late ...like I came quickly and that was the end of it....Now after so many years ...I am sort of wild in bed looking for every opportunity to have sex.... and that too lots and lots of oral sex....which I used to hate before...So give him time.... If he doesn't mind, you can undress him... you can give him a massage and he may also do something for you....without actually indulging in sex. Any way wish you luck

Answer 6

Well lady maybe the man is like me and just don't like sex anymore.. I am 48 and Ive not boned my wife in over 2 years. It's not because I dont love her . Or think she is not attractive. It's because I Just don't like sex!! I can't stand the thoughts of it. With her or anybody to me it's damn a bunch of sex!! My wife also tells me that I dont love her. But it's not true!! I do love her and would do anything for her except that. But i also have some health problems that when I do have sex it makes me SICK. I well do it then be sick over it for 2 or 3 hours I mean real sick throughing up and all. So maybe it makes hin sick to do it I don't know. But I am also a Nutcase to so that's part of it to and you heard it here first from a REAL Nutcase!!""NUT'S""'..PS ..did i wn...did i win...did i win???

Answer 7

you should participate the emotional matters in between , your big problem is the missunderstanding between both of you , give your self a space that you could meet in by conversations ( ask your self how many times did both of you go through a conversation and does it always end with satisfaction end for both of you? ) I do think that you should create your own understanding methods.

Answer 8

Something is troubling your husband for sure? its imp that u find out that..its not a relation problem..dont ask him just observe his reactions in each matter closely..and what topic he discusses more .Try to be casual with him and try to make him lough.
About yor sex life ,,i feel he is mad to ignore a beautiful girl like u.
bye

Answer 9

Well really, it could be all those things that he mentioned... Instead of seeing it as 'excuses' try and understand that it might really be the causes, and try to help him cope with those stress, rather than adding more to the list.

Answer 10

you look like a hot mommy. buy a vibrator and inform your man he's just been replaced. if the jealousy doesn't kill him, he'll agree to go see a doctor.