What is the funniest joke you know?????

Question

i really need a laugh today, i need your funniest jokes, oh, and riddles! but pleez, have the answers! i need the best of the best!

Answer 1

Ok, so there is this bunch of ugly people who die in a tragic bus accident. They are all lining up outside the pearly gates waiting to be admitted into heaven. Because of the circumstances of their deaths, God has decided that they all deserve one wish. One by one, each ugly person goes up to God and wishes to be beautiful. The line is nearing the end, when they guy at the back starts uncontrollably laughing. When he has finally got himself under control, he goes up to God and says "I wish they were all ugly again"

Answer 2

At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

Answer 3

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the
asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a
farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow
to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went
to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer
that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats,
dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little
roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!"

Answer 4

Why is it a nasty proposal to play UNO with mexicans? Because they're going to constantly scouse borrow your inexperienced-playing cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a auto. Who's using? A cop What's the change among a blackman and a bench? A bench can aid a loved ones of 4 Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic staff? Because every person that may run, soar and swim is already right here.

Answer 5

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you've got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor bring her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship's captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks." I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry." LoL. I like that One

Answer 6

A man goes to see a witch doctor and says i need you to get rid of a curse that was placed on me many years ago. Witch Doctor say's ok, but i need you to tell me the exact words that were said to you, man says ok, "Do you take this woman"

Answer 7

Doc ; your husband needs rest n peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife ; When must i give it to him?

Doc ; Oh ... they are for you.