I have a friend who builds herself up by putting others down behind their backs. I see this now because...?

Question

...now she's doing it to me. I recently bought a Bob Dylan CD, an artist she really likes, and she has been pointing out that it is "very weird" that I would want that cd and going out of her way to make it wrong somehow for me to like his music. She recently called a mutual friend of ours and basically embellished something that happened to make it sound like I was rude to another girl, when that couldn't be farther from the truth. She is a very thin size zero, and said to me and my friends, who are all normal sized girls, that she would never want to be a size 2 or 4, because she didn't want to be fat. It hurts my feelings so bad that this girl constantly looks down on me for everything I do. I don't understand why, but it looks like the only way she can feel good about herself is to put others down. What, if anything, should I do about this? And what do you think about this situation? Thank you.

Answer 1

Being on the outside looking in and having seen this type of behavior more times that I'd like to, I'll say you need to avoid this person as a 'friend'. You would be lowering yourself to her level if you were to try and do the same, that is to spread lies and rumors about her. The main reason people do things like this is they have a low self esteem. When someone has low self esteem they do and say things about others as you pointed out, to build themselves up... not because she dislikes you, but because she's unsure of herself. You really have two options, one is to avoid her as a 'friend', treating her respectfully and politely, but just don't hang out or share anything personal that she might use against you. The other option, much more difficult, would be to help her realize how wrong it is. As I mentioned, she's not saying these things because she dislikes you, it's a lack of self esteem and uncertainty about her own worth. When you have a high level of confidence, you learn to stop comparing yourself to others and concentrate on being your own personal best.
You can approach this by building her up from a confidence standpoint. At a time when you feel as if the relationship is strong, let her know (very gently) that you heard 'through the grapevine' the things she said about you. Let her know how you feel honestly, that you feel betrayed and you realize that she's a friend but you didn't expect something like this. Once you let her know you've heard about it and sincerely are hurt, she should be apologetic and maybe blame it on a misunderstanding. Regardless of her words and actions, you should expect to never hear of your 'friend' saying things like this again.
If you do get this positive reaction, you may be able to start letting her know when she says something negative about others that it's a betrayal of their trust. Say something positive about the people she's speaking negatively about. With any luck you may be able to bring about a positive change in this person while helping to build her own confidence through sincere complements.
On the other hand, If she does spread more rumors, then your only chance of happiness is to avoid her completely as stated above... be civil, but keep the relationship as strictly acquaintances. Best of luck to you and your friend in learning to become a better person.

Answer 2

i imagine everyone has had a chum (or possibly an entire crew of friends) like this in some unspecified time sooner or later. women round your age are nonetheless at that aspect the position they're somewhat insecure about themselves, their personalities and their bodies. the lady you're relating appears like she keeps you round because picking aside your effective factors and evaluating them to hers boosts her self esteem. even if, remember that merely because she says that the way she seems, sings, or acts is premiere, does no longer recommend that is actual! She also ought to correctly be jealous of a few of your effective factors, and talks herself into wondering that hers are better to alleviate her jealousy. it is as a lot as you to verify even if she is your genuine chum or no longer. She may look like a bully on the outdoors, yet interior she ought to recognize what she is doing is recommend and a fabricated from her own insecurities. She ought to correctly be in choose of a real chum to inform her that she is eye-catching in her own way, and that she would not choose to %. on persons to experience sturdy about herself. If I were you, i ought to search for suggestion from such as her about the way you experience about the way she treats you. She may no longer recognize how a lot it upsets you, and if she is a real chum she will supply up. If no longer, it is probable appropriate to decrease her out of your existence. you do not choose fake poisonous friends dragging you down!

Answer 3

Dont listen to them. You shouldnt stop being friends with her. You should want to be the person to change her for the good. Confront her. I have a friend exactly like that. If she doesnt change, dont let her put you and your friends down, because thats what she wants.
The second answer above me is right.

Answer 4

She didn't just start doing this to you. You just found out about it. It seems odd that you were ok with this person being your friend when she ws doing this to other people but now that you know that she is doing this to you it bothers you. That tells us a lot about your character.

Answer 5

With friends like her, you certainly don't need enemies. Have you ever watched "mean girls?" This sounds much like the movie. Get away from this girl...she has issues.

Answer 6

I agree with Terry f

Answer 7

shes insecure and has no self esteem

Answer 8

and you called her "your friend"? hmmm