What drives someone to be in a BDSM relationship?

Question

Psychologically speaking that is. This is something I've been ruminating myself recently in regards to my own interest in it.

To Siamesecaterpillar-
I have no intentions on healing. I have no problem with my involvement in the BDSM community. I was just looking at it from a psychological perspective.

Answer 1

That is a question that I have since a long time.
I don't think it was for me a question of being driven.

My first experiences were with somebody who introduced me to it, but I had bondage fantasies already long before. I liked it, so it stayed. In that sense it is not very different from starting *any* hobby: you try things and you keep the things that please.

Of course, BDSM -even in my light implementation of it- is more sexually and psychologically fullfilling than any other hobby and it grew into a need. I can't do without it. It's not a 24/7 relationship, but something I like to do regularly.

Answer 2

There have been a few good answers so far, so I don't know much of what else to say that's new. In terms of driving forces, that is as varying as the number of people in the lifestyle. Some realise the drives that go on within them from a very early age (I've heard from as young as five), while others live totally vanilla for much of there adult lives until they discover their interest in BDSM.

Psychologically speaking, I suppose that the unifying force behind interests in BDSM probably isn't all that different than other interests, it simply taps into a part of the mind as something that generates pleasure. Most of us rarely if ever do something that is unpleasurable for it's own sake. Call it a sceptic's view of human motivation, but when we perform an action, we do so because of some perceived benefit, regardless of logic and tangibility.

Why the drive for interests in BDSM exists is often oversimplified. Attributing it to some childhood trauma makes as much sense as trying to explain why someone prefers the colour red over yellow. There are many factors that go into the make-up of a person's psyche, and none of it has to be negative. Usually the attribution to a negative childhood experience exposes a bias in judgment of what the lifestyle is.

Not everyone is going to agree that lima beans taste good. Similarly, not everyone is going to look at BDSM in the same way. One person's brutality is another person's sanctuary. Where one sees cruelty, another sees intimacy. To some, the lifestyle is a moral plague; to others, it is the true expression of love and pleasure.

Simply put, people go into the lifestyle because they get something out of it that appears to be good for them. In some cases, it is for the wrong reason, but in most cases, knowing that everyone that's participating is doing so as their choice, there is no harm in following their passions. Indeed, to follow what is a good, rather than an evil, is just about the healthiest thing a person can do.

Answer 3

I did not feel qualified to answer at first. But then the series of answers that mentioned ABNORMALITY and MENTAL ILLNESS just punched some buttons and I had to step up to the plate.

I have been involved in safe sane and consentual erotic power play for decades. And I have studied the methods and techniques carefully to ensure I was good and that I am safe.

I have also become a very good judge of playmates and others in this genre. Some are, indeed, possesed of a few emotional problems - but no more in number or severity than the population as a whole. But the medical profession has still branded us perverted, deviant, ill and a danger. Why?

Well remember that until very recently these same professionals regarded homosexuality as an illness and tried to cure it with shock treatment, hormones, aversion therepy and leeches. Well maybne not leeches - that was a bit farther back I guess.

Modern medecal practice reflects the general opinions of society at large - it rarely leads ahead. And society is (rightly) fearful of people who could be a danger - people with dangerous sexual behavours - such as tendencies towards harming others, rape, abuse of children etc.

And, seen from the outside BDSM really does LOOK very like all of those things. Only those of us on the inside are so very aware of the important distinction; CONSENT. We work so hard to maintain a safe environment to ensure that consent is ever present and can be withdrawn at any moment.

As for the true origin of our submissive and dominant desires? We inherited them from our ape ancestors. All social mamels (and apes especially) have dominant and submissive behavours associated with sex. Humans have just decided to supress theirs for the greater good of polite society and to save on having to clean the carpets so often. BDSM works to safely unfetter those primeval desires again - and (shock horror!) satisfy them.

Why do the medics not understand this? Because until recently they only studied a single species - humans. So our understanding of the other primates and the impact of that knowledge on human sexuality has still not been well published in the learned publications. And we have a long long history of denying our heritage regarding the animal kingdom. And we hate to be reminded of our noble but savage past as cave dwellers.

Some day we will be seen as the extreme end of a broad spectrum and not as sick people. Just like gay people are today.

Sorry for the rant - guess this one touched a NERVE!

Answer 4

An interest in BDSM is not a sign that a person is maladjusted or psychologically deficient in some way. It is also untrue that such an interest is caused by childhood sexual abuse; I was not abused as a child and neither were many people I know in the lifestyle.

The BDSM lifestyle encompasses a wide variety of tastes, ranging from a little kinky play in the bedroom and progressing up to full-scale slavery such as my husband and I practice. The reasons for why a person participates in such activity are as varied as the activities that make up the lifestyle itself. One person might like to add a little excitement to his lifestyle and enjoy putting a blindfold on his wife while he tickles her with a feather. Another person might love her husband so much that she vows to do anything to make him happy.

In my case, I look to the BIble for my motivation. In Genesis, God curses Eve after the Fall by telling her that she will wish to be dominated by her husband. And St. Paul advises women to submit to their husbands in all things.

Basically, it's a matter of to each his own. If you'd like to do some more reading on the subject, try out www.castlerealm.com.

Answer 5

there is a very small threshold between pleasure and pain. sometimes the desire to explore is just curiosity. but for many people who were sexually abused in childhood the only way to feel pleasure is through pain. they learned to associate the two. pain and orgasms were connected to each other from an early age. possibly from their first orgasm. This is probably not true for all people but sadly it is true for too many. people are going to argue this but it is documented. and if you watch documentaries on B&D you will often hear the people being interviewed talk about the fact that their childhoods were very cruel.

Answer 6

It's naughty....it's different....it's hot. Because so much of the experience is an erotic mind thing more so than just the body. I know from the submissive side that it is the best feeling to be hovering on the edge of pleasure and pain and pleasing someone by doing everything perfectly. The best words at that time are, "Good girl". Hopefully someone can shed some light on the dominant side of things for you....haven't ventured that way.....yet.

Answer 7

A lot of people interested in it have something in their past which causes them to develop an interest in it but thats not always the case people just get bored of everyday vanilla sex bdsm means diferent things to diferent people who are activly involved in the lifestyle basicaly they just want to explore and try new things and see what they get off on and what they doesn't turn them on.

Answer 8

I have always thought that maybe people want to be opposite than how they are in everyday life.

If you are the one making all the important decisions all day maybe you want to be more submissive. If you are a peon at work maybe you want to be dominant.

Answer 9

My guess is that it is unhealthy early learning about sexual desire which involved domination or submission in some way. I would NOT be surprised to learn that most people who are into this were sexually abused as children. Not saying you were, but I'm sure it is a common theme. People who are into things like that either learned about sex in an inappropriate or odd way growing up, OR they grew up under some circumstances that glorified domination Or they felt as a child that they were dominated and want to be dominated as an adult or dominate themselves sexually. Either way this stuff usually relates to childhood experiences.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear but I doubt any credible psychologist would say much different. These sort of situations are what are known to cause "paraphilias" which include fetishes and other abnormal sexual behavior.

Answer 10

Some people like to feel small and some people like to feel big.

"The only abnormal sexual behavior is to have none at all"
-Frued