What do you think of this poem?

Question

Submission

Beloved, I'm loyal and submissive out of duty;

You radiate a mesmerizing beauty.

****

Poetic words crush the healing heart;

As you lie out of obligatory duty.


Cursed and cruel are your loving ways;

The seduction still thrives throughout all these days.


Do you ever call out to another love?

The blessings and curses linger from up above.


Desire fuels the last ember of a fire;

The midday sun blazes with the blushed face of a liar.


We've reached the end of the eternal night;

While the last angel takes his midnight flight.

This is what an editor from a poetry magazine said about it:

While you have an excellent command of the vocabulary, your poems all lack a rhythmic quality, a smooth flow. Your underlying metaphors are complicated and obtuse, which detracts from the theme of the poem.

There are several shining moments in your poems but then they lose sight of the message being sent. If every line of your poems relates back to the title, it will give them a greater continuity. Also be cautious of the use of second person

Answer 1

tight

Answer 2

Think of the response as questions. Did you mean to give it a lack of a "smooth flow"? Many poems utilize that sucessfully, as well as the second person, etc.

Just remember that many poems and other works of art stick to general guidelines and break them sparingly for the most dramatic effect.

Take the advice you received if you wish, or don't--it's completely up to you to create a work of art that conveys your message.

Answer 3

I think it's excellent. Sounds like a girl who is doubting the faithfulness of her boyfriend. Perhaps they have gotten into a few fights. It also sounds like he is a poor lover in the romantic sense. It also sounds like she has had enough of him and is going to break up. I like the metaphors, it makes the poem. It gives the poem underlying meaning. I think the editor is high or something...

Answer 4

I agree with the editor. While you really have a grasp on the vocabulary, it doesn't flow well. When reading it you feel lost as to what it was originally about. I think if you are going to use such metaphorical comparisons, you should consider going back to the original thought periodically.

Answer 5

The critic's pretty much right with his critique, though there may be a tinge of jealousy there.

But he does offer a lot of well-deserved praise too, so I wouldn't be complaining.

I myself would never have used the abbreviation " I'm " for I am ---- reads as too colloquial.

But; no criticism can detract from your ubiquitous talent .

Answer 6

Beautiful poem, but I have to agree with Jen.

Answer 7

I think that is an awesome poem ...

Answer 8

Makes we want to puke. ... In a good way!