how do i communicate with my children when they have been alienated by their father from me...HELP????

Question

After sixteen years of marriage and me opting out of a very stressful union, my husband decided that the only way he would be able to get custody of our children was to accuse me of abuse....which never got off the ground and was unfounded by our D.A.'s office...but still I am being alienated from them and he has kept them from contacting me for the last five years...I am not sure what avenues to take since I tried supervised visits which ended up in a disaster and once again ,me, being kept from them. I am hurting and afraid I have lost them for good...any advice would be appreciated

Answer 1

You should not talk about your dealings with your spouse with the children, that only brings them into the mess. He can't keep them from contacting you, if you want to see your children, hire a good attorney to bring him to court, if the allegations of abuse have been unfounded he has no basis for restricting your visitation rights. Only the courts can restrict your rights.

Answer 2

With this situation -- since this has happened -- wait until they are adults, and then when you can, find them, start rebuilding the relationship (between mom and offspring) and start the talk -- about what happened (in general terms at first). You will have to rebuild a relationship with your children at that time -- because the ex has already done what he can to destroy that relationship. Having the papers, the diary of things that happened, the police reports -- everything you needed because of ABUSE (and yes, he DID Abuse you throughout the marriage and AFTER the divorce).

YOU need to also go to a Women's Shelter/Abuse Center and ask for help -- because what you Described above IS Abuse -- both during the marriage, during the divorce, and afterwards. IT will help you if they can provide the counseling services that you need or just a place to vent your frustrations with the whole legal system (and I can assure you as a Divorced Single Mom whose Ex abused both me and my children that the Judicial system and Law Enforcement do NOT listen to abuse complaints -- and have been this way for at least the last 15-20 years).

WHY the supervised visits in the 1st place? I'd make sure that you have a witness with you during the visitations so that they can testify in court what is happening during these visitations -- a trusted friend, someone from the Women's Shelter house, whatever.

You have NOT lost them for good. They just need to grow up, experience adult life, find a place of their own, and to reestablish their relationship with you at a future date. Until that time happens, realize this -- that a mom is always a mom, and no one can change that -- their father can't, anyone else can't either. YOU must be willing to reestablish that contact with them and to know (and visit) on the special days (and remember them through birthday cards, christmas cards, graduation (seeing the ceremony), etc), and to get the information on them from the school (especially if the ex has denied that information to you).

YOUR ex is NOT able to totally restrict you from information on your children. YOU can go up to the school and get their school records (paper copy) at any time -- if the grades have fallen -- then take that also with you when you talk to the Abuse People.

Whatever you do -- remember this -- talking to your EX (like my own) is an exercise in FUTILITY -- they 'pose' as responsible parents when they NEED to -- and after that point in time -- do not do much else than tear you down. That is something anyone who has divorced lives with every day of their lives -- and will NOT ever change. YOU can only be the best adult you can be.

Bless you for surviving 16 years of what seems to be a big mess. It took a lot of strength to leave that horrible situation. All you need to do now is to just keep living adult life and be ready when the children turn adults. They WILL want some contact eventually, and it will dawn on them that you did have a big effect on their lives. Be patient.

Answer 3

I wish I had more to offer you than my prayers for an eventual reunion with your children. I am always deeply distressed by stories such as yours because the ones who are the real losers here are the children. Your ex's behavior is inexcusable. Sadly, your children have been brainwashed into believing you're the bad one. I spent 11 years working for a domestic violence program and saw this happen far too many times to the women I worked with. I was particularly close to one woman and her 2 children. The judge gave the girl to her and the boy to him. The pain she and her daughter have endured watching the results of the poison dad has filled the son with is truly unbearable. The children are adults now and the boy is in and out of jail, just like dad. I pray that your children will want to reunite with you once they have left their father's home. I know that may be a long time. Keep praying for your children. Keep a journal of you love and thoughts about and for them so that you can share it with them someday. God bless!

Answer 4

I would wait until they are of age and then find them and let them know that you love them and have not stopped loving them. Tell them your side of the story. My kids came back to me and we now have a healthy happy relationship. Keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings. This will help get it out of you for now. Your kids will want to know what went on all these years.

Answer 5

never believe its hope less,how long have you been divorced?how old are the children...one day your children will see thou him.and when they do you will have then in your life for the rest on your life...............be patent