Have no friends?

Question

I am 28. I have a husband and kids, but I have not had any friends in years. Is this normal? I meet people, but I always think they are too loud, too rude, too stuck up, too shallow, too.......something. I hate drama, so one part of me doesn't even want friends, but another part of me is pretty lonely. I get jealous when I see a group of women shopping or something together. Is that sad? I alway had many friends during school, etc. It didn't start to change until I became a stay at home mom. Is this normal? Am I the one who's being stuck up? I am a nice person, but I don't really allow anyone to get to know me....Please give me serious answers only. Any insights are appreciated......

By the way, we are a military family so we move around alot, too

Answer 1

Not everyone has a large social circle, and some people are more selective than others about friendships (I'd rather have one really good friend than 10 shallow aquaintences!). Between moving around and having children, I can see how building relationships outside the home could be difficult.

Have you ever read the book "The Highly Sensitve Person" by Elaine Aron? Take the self test on the website - you might fit this personality type. A sensitive soul (HSP) tends to be labeled as "shy", "aloof" or isolated (I know many ladies who go from angry because they feel alone to overdoing it and exhausting themselves with obligations of toxic, or imablanced, friendships).

In the end you'll have to do some soul searching. See if fear of additional responsibilties is holding you back from meeting others. In a busy world, finding the time to make a phone call to a friend can seem burdensome - when in fact, in a healthy relationship it can do quite the opposite. Or perhaps, when you're in a potential situation for friendship you may be missing out with negative self talk ("She won't like me", "What do I say? They won't listen" etc.").

A wonderful book I recently read said that the best thing in the world is to keep playing to your strengths until the weaknesses don't matter. In your case, perhaps this means socializing with other moms while the kids are at play. Start with small efforts - eventually with the right energy and outlook, the right person will find you. Don't give up!

Best wishes to you!

Answer 2

One important statement from your narrative-"I had friends in school". If you had friends in school there is no reason why you can not have friends now? You are definitely not a loner.You do not speak of any lack of support from your husband. The only change that has occurred after your marriage is that you became a stay home mom. May be this is the area you need to address. You need to identify people of your kind. This can be done in one of the following ways. How old are your kids? Never mind- if they are too young you could leave them in creche- You need to go out of your home on a daily basis at least for a few hours.I suggest you join a gym or a club or become a pert time social worker or take up a small job. The key lies in going out and discover yourself. I an confident you will get over this problem.

Answer 3

Join the club!!
My husband and I have become outcasts as well!! We occasionally have family get-togethers but we don't exactly have a great relationship with them either.
I don't think it's bad or abnormal. It can be lonely....I see the women in the malls too. My interests are highly specialized though. My husband and I are both sci-fi fans and pretty intelligent. We appreciate intelligence in our friendsand hate ignorance. Both of us had numerous frinds in school but upon starting our relationship about 14 years ago, we lost contact or possibly even alienated our friends. Making new friends has been a challenge and we live in one place.
I hope you live in Hawaii...it is actually where we would like to "end up". But many years will pass before we will have enough money to relocate. We plan to save up and move there whenever possible. At that point, any friends we would have made will be harder to see so we don't focus on making close friendships, although we would love the chance!
In Hawaii, there is so much to do and see and so much full-time life to be living that we know we will be welcomed into those situations, as long as we aren't leeching off anyone, of course. However, if we do not make any friends there, it will not affect our quality of life.
My theory is that if you don't have time or energy to dwell on the loneliness factor, you won't even notice when your first friend enters your life. And more will follow, as the whole process is infectious!
Try to find groups to join in your area or try myspace with a clear head...lots of stalkers make their way onto there. Myspace provides a completely fresh environment for making online friends, which sometimes lead to real-life aquaintances, esp if they are locals. Anything you do could result in accidental friend-making, from riding in an elevator to attending a reunion to getting a new job to getting a new neighbor to enrolling a child into school.
Don't fret for now, don't think you are doomed just because there are people like me who have gone longer than you have alone. Be happy you have your family and RECOGNIZE that you have been focusing on THEM, not casual coffee outings or expensive shopping trips with the gals. TRUE FRIENDS understand everything, including your decisions to stay at home more often than searching for others with completely common interests, something that is very rare if not impossible.
I don't think being friend-less is becoming a thing of the past either. Computers and automation have actually made it harder for average joe's to make friends because we may never see a new face for an entire day. Plus, without being forced to be in a school environment with others that are EXACTLY your age (one common factor which helps to kindle a friendship), you have lost one means of meeting people which, at one time, we have all taken for granted. I look at the people I work with and I see that 10% of my direct coworkers are within 5 years of age as me so that is another obstacle for me!
Good luck and if you worry about it less, things will turn around for you, probably faster than you'd think!

Answer 4

I'm very similar to you in that I want friends but seem to not want them when i meet them, but that's because i have depression and personality disorder issues.... If you *want* to make and keep friends, instead of finding something in everyone that is bad or irritating, look for something good about the person and you might find that the good downs out the bad. I dont think you're being stuck up, you're probably in some way afraid to make real attachements since you have moved around your subconcience may be saying 'why bother getting to know anyone they never stay'

Answer 5

well am sorry for u but am sure one day u will meet a great friend , a friend who lasts forever not school friends they never last, well am kind of 10 years younger but i know the word lonely , try to choose people who are true to u , they don't want u for favours or any thing like this and lighten up it is not the end of the world , just don't go on a search or a hunt for them , by time they will come.

Answer 6

Friends are hard to come by. Try new things, pick up a new hobby, smile more, speak more. People are ruder and louder than they use to be. People are stuck up and mean too. The computer is great for finding friends online, ya know. A long distance pal is better than none at all.

Answer 7

I would say that you are very unique. You seem to be put together but it also seems that your confidence is lacking. This may be due to lack of support from your husband or immediate family. I suggest that you keep your values straight adn just be a little more outgoing. Also, if you find yourself using your time worrying about wahts wrong it helps to involve yourself in hobbies or clubs or volunteer work. I hope that I have helped you out at least a little bit. :-)

Answer 8

Umm my appropriate friends sure, yet even even if i love the females I carry out with, I wouldn't totally trust them. It sounds terrible yet i recognize for a incontrovertible reality that they each and every in certain situations gossip about one yet another. both way is say I have some friends who're both straightforward climate friends and some who're like sisters to me.

Answer 9

can you join a play group for your children?
or
go to the local library and volunteer for E.S.L. teaching (eng. as a 2nd language), you meet tons of people who are teaching E.S.L. and it's fun.
Church groups have women's meeting and they shop and lunch, if that's what you enjoy, but you do need someone to vent to, to talk girl talk with, it's very necessary. My best g/f just moved 4 hrs away, and I miss her terribly, so I understand your loneliness. I hope you think of something, and find a buddy soon. Everyone needs one good friend!

Answer 10

well dont feel bad i am 53 and i dont have any freinds either oh your normal look at it this way as long as you got a computer then you can always find some one to talk to