My husband is in his late 60's, but over the past few years has aged mentally. All he wants to do these days is sit and watch TV or fall asleep in his chair. It's an effort to get him to go out and do things like we used to. If I go off and do things on my own, he moans that we are leading separate lives. He's not affectionate verbally or physically (except in bedroom and even that isn't very often these days!). Tried talking with him to find a solution, but he just gets defensive and martyred - says things like it's all his fault, that he can't do anything right. He criticises me every day for something or the other. I feel like the real me is curling up and dying inside, as I am naturally a vivacious, happy person who likes to socialise and have some fun, but he is making me feel like an 80 year old pensioner, and I just can't face the rest of my life being like that. He has given me financial security and I appreciate that, but it's the things money can't buy that I need.
2006-07-30 05:37:15 · 11 answers · asked by fallen angel 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I'm 50 by the way.
2006-07-30 05:38:48 · update #1
Testosterone supplement for 3 weeks has made no difference so far. Will get him to ask Doc about Tribex.
When I talk to him about it, I don't do it in a challenging or aggressive way, but in a 'how can we improve our relationship' way. I tell him how I feel, and constantly reassure that I am not saying it is his fault, yet he still ends up acting the martyr though. And I think this is also part of his problem - he enjoys being the martyr, so feeling and hence acting old and too tired for anything is part of his martyrdom.
He never has said 'I love you', has hardly every uttered a word of praise about me, and I guess I just accepted that he showed his love in other ways. Trouble is, he doesn't even do that now, so I'm left with nothing. It must be hard for him to be so emotionally repressed, but I feel I have given all I can, and things just seem to be getting worse.
2006-07-31 05:13:04 · update #2
I sorry to say this, but this is one of the major problems of having a spouse with an age difference over a decade. Have you tried marriage counseling? It's worth a try.
2006-07-30 05:43:08 · answer #1 · answered by WC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like he has "forgotten how to live"! Men are SO critical ANYWAY that some of the things they say must be ignored. If he wants to just sit and watch TV, but you want to go out and have fun, let him sit and you go do things that make you happy. Make sure he knows he is invited to join you for some activities and nothing but himself is stopping him from having a life filled with positive, good things to do together. TV can be SO negative if you get TOO drawn into it. Drag him away from that crap and take a fishing trip or a cruise!!! TV isn't ALL bad, but sounds like he is on a downer and TV surely does NOT help!!!! (Unless it is 24/7 sports). If he would start doing other activities, it will help him to become a more positive person. Might take a while for him to get back into the swing of things. Start cooking some great healthy dishes and salads especially to get his energy level back up. He really needs some guidance. What interests him? What could SPARK his fire? Buy some tickets to go to his favorite ball game together...Good luck!
2006-07-30 05:49:08 · answer #2 · answered by ouisy_01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You still need his luv & concern in return - right? From the beginning u knew him till u decide 2 marry him, u should have known it & prepared 2 face & accept! I do think that he feels sorry 2 u too, finding no way to express his feelings & hurting in heart, which, then turns 2 moans. Try giving him faith, paying more concern on what he's interested in during the past years. Share & do together with him, helping him 2 regain his trust in you. It is some sorts like he's afraid of losing u. Help him 2 return 2 his age 35 - 45. Try urself the best.
2006-07-30 06:09:10 · answer #3 · answered by cancerlady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel more sorry for him than you. women on the average live 10 years longer than men. It will be 20 years before you feel as he does now. Sometimes there is just no energy. When you want to go out make sure he's off the next day. Entertain more at your own house. Get interested in things that will motivate him move.The more you complain , the worse it will get. You're going through a natural stage of life Have your girl friends over and he will understand when it's your turn to go there.
I wish you luck.
2006-07-30 05:48:32 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband may be having some mental health issues. Oftentimes, people will begin to act very differently when they develop things such as depression, anxiety, Alzheimer's, and dementia. First off, you need to get your husband a full physical with a good nuerologist and internal medicine doctor.
Secondly, you need to realize that oftentimes when people are depressed or unhappy with themselves, they take it out on the people closest to them. It sounds like your husband doesn't feel good about himself, and so he puts you down, which can sometimes cause people to momentarily boost their self-esteem.
Thirdly, you should continue to do the things you enjoy, regardless of what your husband says. When you want to go out and he gives you the guilt trip, then invite him to go along. If he refueses, then tell him that's his choice; but you're going anyway. I realize it's difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it will be.
Lastly, often at your husband's age, men lose tremendous amounts of testosterone, which can really mess with their physcial and emotional well-being. There are some supplements you can buy at health food stores and body-building stores that will help his body produce its own testerone. Just make sure you get a good supplement. There are many out there that just don't work. The best one I know of is Tribex.
Good luck to you. And remember: This too shall pass.
2006-07-30 05:48:34 · answer #5 · answered by Mistress T 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds as though you need couples counseling to get through this one. If he won't go, try talking to him again as lovingly as possible. If he does the martyr routine again, then you know you are up against brick wall. You can either go out by yourself and put up with his gripping or go for a divorce. Perhaps he really has aged to the point where he just doesn't have the energy to keep up with you anymore. If so, I'm sure he is feeling very inadequate. Good luck.
2006-07-30 05:56:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
try swinging, it worked for my aunt, he needs some sort of stimulation. don't even tell him, if you have a best friend you fancy in that way, kissing holding hands, talk to her baout it, then do it in front of him, but before you do ask him would enjoy something like that.
2006-07-30 06:14:16 · answer #7 · answered by Zeni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well u should know at 60 the man is not that active again...u dont expect him to be a fuckernizer again.....all i think both of u need now is a mature understanding and not love making.....
2006-07-30 05:58:47 · answer #8 · answered by chy d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure your not talking about my wife? lol Souds like he's lost his get up and go hun...maybe foods that will pick him up some?
2006-07-30 06:03:17 · answer #9 · answered by flashpro 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counselling
Tell him to shut up
Don't cook for him if he doesn't shut up
2006-07-30 05:53:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋