I'm dating someone who has been sexually abused. How do I comfort them when they don't want to be intimate?

Question

I've been dating someone for about a month who is currently in therapy because of prior sexual abuse. I understand that he needs space, but how do I comfort him without losing him?

Answer 1

To comfort your abused friend, talk to him. Tell him you want to help. Ask if he will talk to you about it. If he agrees and does talk to you, listen and understand. Tell him how you feel about what has happened to him. Be there for him. These discussions can serve to bring you both closer to each other.

Also don't let this be what the relationship is about totally. Do other recreation instead of intimacy.

After a while, you will need to assess if you are getting what you want from the relationship. If you are able to deny yourself the intimacy part of the relationship long enough, there may be a pay off that is worth waiting for. That is your call. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to wait long enough.

If you seek counseling, you will probably have to find a therapist independent of his existing therapist. This usually is done in a more committed relationship than a one month dating situation. Wait on that until you are more committed to each other.

Answer 2

The healing process after sexual abuse is a long and painful one and the person who went through it will always carry the scars of what happened with them and life will never be the same as it was before the abuse.
When a child or woman or man gets sexually abused something is taken away and destroyed and it's replaced with something else something they could do without and that has a immense impact on their lives.
There is this terrible pain and fear, the feelings of guilt and shame even though it wasn't their fault the feelings of guilt and shame are there nonetheless. Your life is never the same again your trust in others has been taken away, you have no more self esteem and self respect and you are afraid. If it happened to them during a period in their childhood the damage is terrible the the impact on the childs life is devastating and if they don't get any help they will someday in there life be confronted with the damage and most probarbly collapse.
What you can do is just be there for him and ask him what he wants whether he wants your arm around his shoulder or hold your hand. If he doesn't want that you can only accept and respect it and give him the time to build up his trust in you and see that you are serious and will always be there for him and love and respect him for who he is and that despite of what happened to him he is a beautiful person who has a right to be loved and respected no matter what and that you will do everything in your power to try and help and understand even though you know that it is difficult for you to understand because you haven't been through it so you can only imagine what it was like and what it would have done to you.
If you want to help him and be there for him you need a lot of patience and keep in mind that if there are a lot of emotions coming to the surface they can be directed at you even though you have never hurt him. Emotions and pain have to be let free to heal again and find a way to pick up life and try to start all a new as a stronger person and this takes a lot of time and effort but if you are serious and you have the strenght and courage to stand by his side and help him fight the battle it will certainly make a difference.
You can tell him that however hard things might become that you will always be there for him no matter what and if he wants or needs to talk, cry or show whatever emotion that you will be there for him and not run away and that if he would like it you are willing to go with him to his therapist to help him fight this battle togehter and help him in every way you can.
I think it's great that you do not walk away for his pain but that you chose to stay and that you want to be there for him to comfort him. It shows that you have a good and warm loving heart and I wish you both all the best and all the luck in the world and a friendship that I hope will never die but that grows strong and happy.

Answer 3

Be there for him---and ask him what you can do to help him---everyone deal with this differently

Take care it is tough in your shoes----there will be times he tries to push you away--Dont let him!---its his way of dealing with his pain----he needs you---please stand by him.