Am I expecting too much from my husband?

Question

I quit my job to go to school full-time. My husband & I have four children, 7, 9, 11 & 13. My husband works 40-60 hours a week average. The kids do chores. I keep the house fairly clean, make all the meals, mow the lawn, and take out the garbage. My husband thinks because he is the "bread-winner" he shouldn't have to do anything after coming home from work except play video games or go to the movies. I can't seem to get him to pick up after himself at all. All I'm asking is for him to do the little things, like wipe off the sink after he shaves, put his dirty dishes in the sink, pick-up his undies after taking a shower, etc... Am I asking too much because I don't work. He will go to the store or run other errands, but nothing around the house. Between cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and studying for school I think I pull my weight. Do you agree or disagree?


I asked this question late last night, not many responses so I'm opening it up again. Thanks to all.

Answer 1

It was the way he was raised, and from the start you let him get away with it. You know men have to be trained properly right from the beginning of a relationship. So get cracking and start training. And by the way, do not divorce him after you have trained him. Why hand over a well trained person for someone else to enjoy after all your hard work.

Answer 2

Wow I am going through that too. My husband works offshore on an oil platform in the gulf of Mexico and I chose to do in home child care because I want to raise my kids. He goes offshore for 2 Weeks and comes home for a week. So in those 2 weeks I take care of everything the kids the house the yard etc. I told him the other day it would be nice if he could help me out when he is home. He said that it's not his fault that , that is my job. My jaw hit the floor. We as women get no appreciation at all for the 24/7 job we have to do. We are still working on a solution because to be frank a marriage is about having a partner and if I do everything then what do I need him for? Don't get me wrong I love my husband and he makes a good living but I need a partner not a paycheck. I make almost as much as he does, so he better step up to the plate. I know what you are going through and there are lots of men that won't help with the house. "In most cases the man is the one who brings in the money for the family, it should not be forgotten that it is earned by a joint effort. If a man would sit down and calculate how much it would cost to hire a purchasing agent, a cook, a dishwasher, a housekeeper, a decorator a nursemaid and so forth. You aren't alone and I hope things will get through to him how much his help is needed. Good luck!

Answer 3

Many people say that marriage is 50/50... that's not true.
Marriage is 100/100. Throughout your married life, you will find that sometimes one person will not be able to give their 100, so the other one has to take up the slack. I don't think you are asking too much.
Remember, the key to a successul marriage is communication.
Sit down with him and have a talk. Just tell him how you are feeling. Be sure not to point out the faults, but point out the good things. Tell him that you appreciate how much he does and that he works so hard to provide for the family. Then tell him that you are working very hard too... going to school, taking care of the house, etc... Guys thrive on appreciation. If he knows that you appreciate him, then he will be more open to listening to what you have to say. You may try suggesting that you do some of the housework together. Tell him that you want to spend more time with him, but you need to get these things done. Ask if he will come and talk to you, or do some of the housework with you so you can spend time together.
One more suggestion... read and have him read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" It's a bit "cheesey" at times, but there is some good information in there as to the difference between the way men and women think and do things.
Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Well Rhonda I think you are pulling your weight around the house. I go to school full time and I am not married and I do not have any children and I find it difficult. I could not imagine doing everything I do now with a husband and 4 children. I have great respect for you! I do not think you are asking too much of your husband. The things you want him to do will only take a second but I must be honest. In today's society women have more options outside the home but the thing is along with those options we are still expected to do everything we did before those options were available. I think this is what you are experiencing. Yes you can go to school but you still have to be 100% house-wife. You are doing a great job! Keep it up! I am sure your children will be very proud of you when you graduate!

Answer 5

well i would make him pick up his undies and whip the sink.and put his dishes in the sink.. its not like he has to wash them or anything just put them in there...but other than that working 40-60 hours a week plus running errands is enough for me for one week. between you and the 4 kids i am sure there is not much left to clean. i do not ask my husband to do anything besides clean up after himself. like taking his dishes out and putting his clothes in the hamper..

i agree that you are pulling your weight but maybe in his eyes he is thinking im making the money so let the wife take care of the house.. my husband got that attitude. i work you do everything else.. remember every day when you are cooking and using cleaning products that he had to sweat for you to have them...

Answer 6

If housework is your main issue, get a housekeeper to come in a couple of times a month. Your kids are old enough to help with the house also and you should give them incentives to help out even more. Your husband doesn't work as much as you so I don't understand why he is so tired he can't help out. But, you married him and you ahd to know what he was like when you did so it's not something you can really complain about. But seriously, hire a housekeeper for the major cleaning, get the kids involved and perhaps hire a nanny or sitter to come and help out during the stressful times at school (like exams).

Answer 7

Being the breadwinner is an excuse. I'm the 'breadwinner' in my house, and it's just the same -- no help around the house, lucky if I get him to go to market... I tried going on strike but the man can out-last us every time. All you can do is stop doing his laundry for him (but then mine just went and bought new clothes instead of doing his own laundry, so that might not work too).

He's a man, and no amount of being irritated is going to change the fact. You're doubling the energy you expend by being mad about it.

Answer 8

EVERYONE should pick up and clean up after themselves; he's supposed to be a grown-up and you're not his mommy. It sounds as if he is leaving the harder and nastier jobs up to you and giving himself the chores that require no sweat equity and don't involve getting his hands dirty. I speak from experience when I tell you this will get very, very old after a while. It's great that the kids do chores, but it doesn't absolve him of any responsibility.

Answer 9

Sweetie, you know that you are not asking too much of your husband. You are doing more than simply pulling your weight.

Let me clue you, though. Men do not "pick up after themselves". They just aren't "wired" the way we women are.

Try this; although I know it will drive you nuts it works. For two days let his undies stay where he leaves them, keep his dirty dishes wherever he puts them. and leave the stubble from his shaving wherever it lands. Say nothing about it. After two days even the kids will shame him into cleaning up.

Good luck with school.

Answer 10

Taking care of children and going to school full time is like having TWO full time jobs. Plus you have to find time to study and take care of the house??? Everyone should pick up after themselves. It shows a lack of respect to leave things laying around for someone else to take care of no matter who is the breadwinner.

Answer 11

Oh my gosh, I was reading this and wondered if I wrote it. My husband does the same thing, but I work full time and only have one kid. He does absolutely nothing other than bring home the bigger paycheck. I had to fix my own plumbing yesterday because his online video game friends were having some sort of team fight.

I try to talk to him and he gets mad. I've been dealing with this for the last 4 years. Mine is suffering from depression but refuses to get any sort of help.

I feel for you!