Why is it okay for a child to disown a parent, but not for a parent to disown a child?

Question

I have a daughter who has been very difficult to get along with, and as she grew older the relationship between us got only worse. Granted, I was not the best mother, but I had her young and I coped the best I could and nothing can change that.

She says the most hurtful and meanspirited things that hurt me deeply, and any attempts to talk to her have gone nowhere as she justifies her behavior, every time, saying that I deserve it. Anything I say, she'll contradict. Anything I do, she'll scold me without any respect to the fact that I'm her mother.

To make matters worse, she started counseling a few years ago with a therapist that basically told her that any attempts to better the relationship should be ON ME, but she didn't have to reciprocate.

She's not a child (she's 27 years old) and I refuse to have a relationship with anyone when I have to give 150% but she isn't required to give one iota in return. I prefer to move on with my life and wish her the best.

Am I wrong?

To Devil Queen: May God forgive me, but I would be relieved. My biggest regret is not having an abortion when I had the chance to. I honestly hate her.

To Bobpo: (#3): Constantly, but it has gone in one ear and out the other.

To wickdstpmthr (#5): Setting boundaries hasn't worked because she won't respect them as she doesn't respect me.

To Annie Bee (#6): I didn't make this entirely one sided, because I am admitting I wasn't the best mother. Am I feeling guilty? Of course I am! Am I asking for validation? Absolutely! Who wouldn't under such circumstances? I need to feel like I'm far from alone in this issue and to honestly be able to move on with my life, but unfortunately even if my daughter and I don't talk, I can't help but think about her all the time. I wish I didn't. And maybe an answer to this question might help me truly move on and forget I ever had a child.

To Kit: #11:

I'm sorry, this "no child was asked to be born" isn't exactly cutting it. None of us are asked to be born. Also, I could understand this argument if she was 10 or 15 years old. But at 27, she should realize that life isn't that simple and sometimes teenagers don't have all the facts in order to make an informed decision. Had I had such facts, I can assure you that I would have had my tubes tied at that time, instead of conceiving her.

Too Annie Bee again:

You say: Your remark that you hate her did it for me. Lady, you need HELP! No wonder you have problems..Hate is like cancer , eating away at your heart!"

Lady, if you were talked to the way my daughter talks to me, you would hate, too. Who likes to be put down, contradicted, being disregarded to, being cheated on, etc. etc. etc.? If you would feel warm and cozy over someone who treats you like that, then something is wrong with YOU, you self righteous b*tch!

Answer 1

You can disown your child as soon as they turn 18. Cut off contact and write her out of your will if you have one.

Answer 2

For the most part, children learn what they live. You acknowledge that you had your daughter too young and "did the best" you could but apparently that wasn't all that good. Now she is 27 and has a therapist that really isn't encouraging her to meet you even halfway toward building a new relationship. That pretty much leaves you free to move on. You are and always will be responsible for the formative years of your daughter's life - and that means you are and always will be largely responsible for the chasm between the two of you. There is nothing you can do about that.

But you are not solely responsible for the fact that a bridge across that chasm cannot be built. It takes two to build that bridge and your daughter isn't willing to pitch in. You are not solely responsible for that. She's an adult - she's in therapy... if you have offered to make apologies and amends, then the burden is on her.

If, on the other hand, all you have done is hoped that "bygones be bygones" and haven't directly told your daughter that you are sorry for your inadequacies as a mother and gone further and told her that you love her and would like to build a good relationship with her now, then you still have only yourself to blame. It sounds like, to me, that your daughter is taking her rage out on you bit by bit (or bite by bite) --- if you two haven't had at least the opportunity to confront and discuss the past, which would give her the chance to vent and you the chance to apologize ---- then she will continue to snipe at you because it is the only way that she can get her anger and hurt and resentment out.

So what you do with the rest of your life is up to you. If you have tried to settle it with her; if you have offered to go to counseling with her; if you have been up front with your role in her past, then there may be nothing you can do except say goodbye to her. If not, then you have some effort to make before you can do that.

Answer 3

If you have to ask about being wrong, then you must have some feelings of guilt. Because you are basically asking others to validate your decision. It's one thing to say how sad you are, it's another to make something so one sided. Surely there must be something right your daughter has done in her 27 years.

The decision you have made is one you must justify by yourself. No one else can do it for you. I hope that you can resolve the
issue and get on with your life. If it continues to nag at you, consider opening yourself to a possible truce with your daughter. She may be hurting, too. Good luck

Your remark that you hate her did it for me. Lady, you need HELP! No wonder you have problems..Hate is like cancer , eating away at your heart!



Answering your note:

You explained your situation; and ask 1 question, "Am I wrong?", and most everyone here has answered you. I don't think you want an answer.
So I"ll tell you this: My mother is dead, I wish she know that I.m sorry for any problems I gave her. She was a strong loving woman who died too soon. My daughters are dead, one as an infant, one at 7, I would give my life to have them back. I have raised 2 terrific sons. There is nothing I would change about them. So, I know love. You love your daughter, no matter what you say. That's why you argue with the answers here. Get help, and make peace with yourself at least.

Answer 4

Who told you it wasnt okay to disown a child? A child is one under 18...yours is 27....so no longer a child.

You havent done all you can (at the appropriate age for her to get that...and your efforts would mean even less now)...BUT you dont have to either...its a perogative not a must anymore.

Once a child turns 18......if they want to be friends and your baby still...then they should have that option if you are so inclined. If they are over 18...they are adults and just friends if the bond isnt there...and can do as they please.

I wouldnt burn any bridges either....just choose to stay Mum.....ie just say nothing or...yes well if you have anything new or interesting to say...I'm here for you. You are an adult now and need to get past your childhood. I dont want or need to hear the old stuff again.

Adults revert to childhood...and have rages. To continue the same path will just allow her to stay in the same mode, to abuse you more. To back off, unless she wants to find a new way of communicating, is for the best...so yes, move on with your life without damning her entirely.

She is justified with her feelings and you cant fix what went on before..so why even try unless she has other needs you CAN assist with over time.

Answer 5

Don't burn the bridge totally. She is still your daughter.

Go to counseling yourself. It sounds like you need to set firm boundaries. Tell her if she is disrespectful to you on the phone, the conversation is over. Period. When she can speak with respect you will talk to her.

She sounds like she has the development of a 13 year old. She will hear what she wants to hear from the therapist and the therapist is only hearing her version of events.

I remember hearing something long ago and I have no idea who said it. "For what my parents did to me, shame on them. If I let it rule my life, shame on me"

I would send her a letter letting her know that you realize you BOTH have short comings and you both played a part in your relationship. However, part of TODAY is that she will speak to you with respect and as an adult and not as a child. You will NOT be scolded and are not a doormat.

I would admit while you were not mother of the year (who is?) you did the best you did under the circumstances you had and that cannot be undone. History cannot be rewrote and if she wants to heal the relationship it can be worked on BUT it will require her to be an adult.

Get your own counseling, learn you weren't so bad and learn to stand up to her. Love yourself.

Answer 6

No...Dont feel guilty at all. Im sorry to say but she's a brat. Considering you have not been the best mother in the world, your still her mom and she should treat you with respect. Everybody has issues with their moms and dads but they should just deal with it. The reason why she's so remorseful is because she has never been a mom. Give it time...Just dont give up on her...when she marries and have kids on her own, lets just hope that he kids wont treat her the same way or worst...In the meantime, ask for Guidance and enjoy your life...wish you all the best...

Answer 7

i do not there is something my son ought to do for me to disown him. some moms and dads have themes that carry over from besides the reality that variety of lives they have lived. For them to disown a baby ought to be something in them, themes they choose help with. Your judgements, incorrect or properly on the time, are what helps you advance up and mature, to develop right into a significantly better grownup. you merely ought to study from them incorrect ones and do not proceed to do them again and again. Your mom will come round, she ought to correctly be better disillusioned than something else, yet women persons have a tendency to blow up off thoughts first then understand they could have over reacted, supply it a at the same time as and enable her calm down. Then attempt speaking. sturdy success, i'm optimistic besides the reality that you probably did is something that both one among you could get over and flow on with your lives

Answer 8

Just to answer your basic question, it is because the child did not have a choice about being conceived, born and who her parents will be while on the other hand, the parent had the choice to have the child and raise the child or not.

Answer 9

Did you ever apologize for what you did or acknowledge the fact that you wer'nt the best parent to her? If you did, all you can do is tell her that you love her and that whenever she is ready to have a reasonable relationship with you that you'll be there waiting.

Answer 10

God, I'm sorry for what you are going through........I was so terrible to MY MOM... (I'm grown and older than your daughter)
in fact...........I might be older than YOU.........lol...

Today (and for years past)... there's not a person out there, that MEANS what my mom means to me.........I LOVE HER SO MUCH..........and feel so badly for all of the "crap" I put her through...........and (of coarse) NOW.......I realize just how hard life was for her (when my father passed away).....and just how strong She is/was..........and how much SHE compromised... just for me.........

... (she STILL apologizes for "dating" years later, while I was still a teenager.......and she was late 30's....) please!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tough love says: Tell her to "write you off"........(never quit loving her in your heart).....but you've done your part -- and until she REALIZES just how important "her mom" is..............don't continue to be heart broken...........someday maybe she'll realize that FAMILY is important..........and "possibly NOT having" you right there for her.............MIGHT just cause her to see how much she needs you...........

.........she's gotta have "a heart"........she's YOUR DAUGHTER... and you've shown that YOU HAVE ONE!

The BEST OF LUCK to you and yours...........God bless.

Answer 11

u can disown her at that age but let me ask this how would u feel if she died in a car wreck afta u disown her? kids suck sometimes but they r ours, u dont have to let them run ova u or anything ..just tell them ull be there when they need a shoulder