Is this all fair of me?

Question

A little over a month ago, I had a "breakdown" and cheated on my fiance. By "breakdown", I mean that I am in the early stages of treating a recently diagnosed bipolar disorder. I am still confused and prone to ups and downs quite frequently while me and my doctor are finding the right medication.

Me and my fiance broke up, and I have moved home (500 miles away). We have talked regularly, and I am still in counseling and going to the doctor regularly in order to deal/cope with my mental health issues.

We have decided to make another attempt at our relationship. I have been caring and very calm, attempting to show him that I am no longer trying to control things or force him to make decisions based on me.

I guess what I want to ask you all is... is this fair of me to ask of him? Do I have any right to ask him to try again with me? I don't want to hurt him ever again, and I don't think I will, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

First off let me tell you almost EVERYONE in my family(even extended) is bipolar. Even I have been diagnosed with it. So I know what you're going through.

I must saying that using the disorder to justify an "affair" isn't right though. Of course, I don't have all the details nor do I want them. I am just saying having a mental disorder is no different from having any other disorder. You need to learn to live with it, not use it as your excuse. The best thing I have ever learned it not to let the disorder own your life. It does not define who you are as a person. You are still YOU.

Why wasn't your fiancee there for you during this breakdown? Sounds like you may have been having relationship difficulties prior to this. You need to evaluate the relationship before you jump back in. Distance makes the heart only remember the good times, which is good in a way. But don't let being alone, alter your judgment.

Answer 2

First of all, well done to you for getting the help you need. The first step is always recognizing a situation. The second is actually doing something about it. Bravo to you. I'm just wondering if you should concentrate more on you right now then on reestablishing a relationship. Only you know. Second, he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. He will.

I think it's a good sign that you recognize nothing in life comes with a guarantee. It means you're taking your condition seriously. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic even when they are dry. It's when they thin they are 'cured' that they start to drink again. Keep vigilant with yourself.

Answer 3

I have been on the other end where my wife cheated on me. I really loved her and I was very hurt. I stayed with her. But it wasnt easy with the memories of her cheating. That happened approximately 8 yrs ago and we are still together. I guess where I am trying to get at is time will tell, time will heal. You both have to be willing to work at it. Communication is a big deal for both of you. We have a great relationship now. I had to let the past go. I wouldnt give her up for the world. Good Luck

Answer 4

If he really loves you, and understands that it wasn't' "you" who cheated, then I believe things will work out in the end. However, you have to give him reason to come back to you. You CAN NOT use the bipolar excuse ever again (I don't mean that it's not true, it's just that you just have to be stronger than the condition). You have to show him that he is the #1man in your life at all times. Bipolar or not, cheating is cheating, and it hurts. Trust me, I went through it with my ex-husband...and did you catch that key word in there..."ex"?
Bipolar is a treatable condition as you well know. You can control it, and you and your fiance' don't have to suffer from the effects of it.
Trust me, I know, my step Grandma is Bipolar and she has been 100% under control now for YEARS, with no trouble. I have faith in you.
And if you ever feel yourself sliding, pray. God has faith in you as well, and he can put you right back where you need to be quicker than any medication can.

Answer 5

Being bi-polar doesn't mean you're incapable of controlling your actions, it speaks more to the volatility of your emotional fluctuations. You cheated because you decided to,and if you truly don't intend to cheat again, that commitment is within your control. But don't kid yourself: something made you want to the first time, so are you sure you've gotten that impulse out of your system? As to whether or not it's "fair" for you to ask this guy to go through this again with you, who knows? It's not your call, anyway. (Remember, you're trying not to control things anymore). All you can do is put it out there: it's his call to decide if he wants to take a chance on you again or not. Good luck.

Answer 6

You can manage to move on with your life and embrace the love and support of your fiance and eventually get married. You two will need to communicate a lot. Keep him updated on your condition/meds/doctor's advice. You will need time to find balance in your life. He will need to have great patience, but if he truly loves you, love is through thick and thin. Deal with your condition first. Your fiance should understand that is your priority. When the time is right, you can deal with wedding. Don't give up on life and love. Embrace it and if it's meant to be all will work out. Just be patient.

Answer 7

It's fair to ask,but I'm more worried about the last couple of lines in your question.i.e"I don't want to hurt him ever again,and I don't (THINK)???? I will,but nothing in life is guaranteed?????.This has got to be somewhat deeper than you are saying.If you truly love him then there must be a guarantee.He's already had to go through it the first time and for you to say "I'm not really sure,but let's see what happens"?????.Give it a try anyway and good luck to both of you!.

Answer 8

Hi,

I think the most important thing to find out is if he can, and will forgive and forget. I have found working in a male dominant carreer field the last 18 years (military) that most men that have a mate that is not faithful they could forgive and wanted to love her like before....However, it was impossible for them to forget and they would end up hurting that person again and again by bringing it up or using it against them when problems arise. I can tell you are hurting and if he has good Christian values and does love you....It is possible for him to try again. Is it fair for you to ask? That would be up to him. If he allows it....He loves you...

Answer 9

Oh I think its perfectly fair of you to ask... Of course it will be up to him to decide if he can live with the situation.

I've always felt that sex outside of a marriage or commited relationship....is a symptom of a problem within the relationship.

There would be a whole lot less straying...if both people would actually talk to each other about what they want, need, desire and hope for from the other person.

Answer 10

Cheating on your husband is a very hard thing for any male to deal with. He must be very forgiving to even let you back in his life, because the "Bible" says that one of the reasons a man and wife can divorce is what you have done. Myself I would not let you back in my life for the fear you would do it again, and I feel like you would. Only you can correct this behavior and first of all you must ask "God" to forgive you before you can forgive yourself. "God" will forgive you, but if your boyfriend decides not to let you back in his life he will have a valid reason not to. If he truly loves you very much he will give you a second chance, but if you cheat on him again, then for sure he is like the wind, he is gone. Myself I would not let you back in my life, because you have lost my trust. Whatever happens do not ever violate the trust that someone has entrusted to you, because once you lose the trust, it is so very hard to regain it.