My wife and I do not tongue kiss. Kissing, she says, is even more intimate than sex. What to do?

Question

She doesn't feel "comfortable" about us kissing. She has said that she's self consciece about her breath since she smokes. I just don't think she's likes/loves me enough to give me what I want.

She's often bitter but a woman obviously has a need to be satisfied sexually from time to time so sex (as seldom as it may be) is not a problem but she will not share a nice intimate kiss with me.

If someone had told me that I would marry someone that I could not kiss on a regular basis I would say they were crazy but this is exactly what's happened.

We've been together since 1998 and we've been married for 5 years and have 2 children.

The last time her and I frenched kiss was about 2 years ago. Also I get no oral satisfaction either but she does every time we do something.

Thanks for taking your time to read my question/problem.

Answer 1

find another lover
SOON

Answer 2

You're going to get a lot of crap answers here ... but this one may help.

You're going to have to talk about it. A counsellor or therapist may be a good idea but try just the two of you at home first.

Don't talk about it at night in bed but somewhere nuetral like the car or take her for a coffee ... bring it up casually like it was something you were thinking about but don't make it all serious from the get go or she'll probably get defensive.

You have had two kids and this can change how a woman feels sexually and in a relationship in general ... maybe you could help out a bit more? Take the kids out and give her some alone time so she'll appreciate the time you have together when the kids are asleep.

Trust me -- to get what you want sexually and intimately you'll have to give her what she wants outside of the bedroom.

Also maybe carry some mints or tic tacs and have some then offer her some... make it subtle and then go in for the kiss a bit later.

It may be that she is avoiding being intimate with you but it could just as easily be that she is self conscious about it and the only thing to do then is fix the reasons for being self conscious. You saying she's sexy or her breath is ok wont really matter if she doesn't think so.

It's harsh but it's true

Answer 3

I think your wife has very distorted views on the intimacy of a kiss. A kiss is just ...a kiss. I can't explain it anymore than that.
Let's put it in terms of cheating. (which seems to be a popular subject on yahoo answers)
If she were to cheat, would she do it by kissing, or sex? Which would burn you / her more?
The more intimate, (sex), would be the ultimate way to crush someone, because it is simply more valuable.

In short, she's definately wrong, a kiss is never more intimate than sex.

On to your next problem. She won't kiss you? You've been married since 1998, I think 8 years is long enough to get over being self conscious around your husband. You're just gonna have to explain to her that her pride is causing you to question her devotion.

As for the oral thing....pfft, good luck bro. A lot of girls sell themselves as the types who enjoy giving, but the moment you make the commitment, say goodbye to that feature.

Answer 4

It is always very difficult within a relationship when one person of the relationship's desires are not being met. Kissing is a very intimate thing and should be shared between husband and wife.

She could brush her teeth if she's that bothered about it before you kiss. You could suggest that is she talks about her breath.

It sounds like you are trying hard to meet her needs and the relationship is not balanced because she is not reciprocating.

I do not know your relationship, but sex is one thing and making love is another. It sounds that you two may not be "making love" when you are being intimate. Making love would include the intimacy of kissing, caressing, and both partners trying to satisfy each other completely.

You need to talk to her about this. It seems like this is bothering you a lot. A man deserves affection kisses from him wife and vice verse. Let her know that you really like kissing and try to find a plan that both of you would be happy with kissing.

Answer 5

I feel french kissing is a part of intimacy, and I couldn't imagine not doing it. Someone once told me that prostitutes don't kiss as it was too personal. I don't think her problem is the smokers breath as there is always fresh mints, or gum if she is so worried about it,sounds like an excuse to me.You may have to sit down with her an ask her how she really feels as seems to me a lack in communication good luck!

Answer 6

If you don't mind her breath, tell her so.
If you like passionate kissing, tell her so.

If she still minds... then
1. Build up her self-esteem, satisfy her emotional needs; and
2. She quit smoking or at least reduce her intake; and/or
3. She can use breath fresheners/mints/listerines before kissing (Try this: Listerine mint pack that comes in small flat pieces. It felt like nothing in the mouth yet freshens the breath. Good for kissing & oral sex. Minty fresh.) Do not just limit her to try the mint. You can try the mint on her too. She'll appreciate it.

Since you're the kissy type, get her into the habit of morning kiss & good night kiss. Kiss her in the morning, and kiss her before bed. If she asks, say it's because you love her & appreciate/admire/adore her. She'll appreciate it. With her comfort & confidence level building up, both of you will move on to more variety of kisses during the day and/or night, in & out of the house.

Answer 7

This is a big problem. You need to be firm w/ her and tell her that your needs r important too, not just hers. Tell her, I need to feel intimate with u! U R my wife for goodness sake! There is no one who it would be more appropiate for me to be intimate with. Tell her you feel hurt and are not happy, tell her u don't mind if she uses some mouthwash first, and that you'd like to help her quit smoking.
U need to put importance on your needs, u need to feel loved! Whatever her hang ups are, you are not being treated right! If she won't listen or is disrepectful, tell her she's pushing u towards cheating on her, which u don't want to do b/c u love her. Also tell her no more sex until u get kisses, trust me this is TOTALLY FAIR! If none of this works, find a new wife. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I smoke ocassionally and I LOVE kissing.. and your right, it isnt common to be married to someone whom you cant french kiss. I would recommend she and you get some kind of therapy. She may even need sex therapy. Im sure you have tried talking to her about this. Something is definitely off her, could she be having an affair? I dont know, but you have to express yourself, seek help and if that doesnt work....then it may be time to terminate the marriage. Good luck

Answer 9

Are you both from the same culture? Many cultures do not kiss...and this may be part of the issue.

Have you talked to her about alternatives, such as brushing her teeth before you engage in intimacy? You may also talk to her about just having an "oral" night....only kissing and what you can do with your mouth is allowed.

Also, seek counseling for it. You are definently not speaking the same intimacy language....and so you aren't understanding one another.

Good luck!

Answer 10

So sorry to hear that.. my ex and i barely kissed and i hear this is a common thing in long term martiages... I honestly think it happenes when at least one of the people stop caring for the other a much... if she is truly concerned about her breath you could try having as very fresh piece of gum... like cinnamon (somthing strong) in your mouth before you try to kiss her.. If that dont work ask her to tell you the truth. or you can try firing up a cig in front of her and than go for it.

Good luck dude... hope it works out for you.... I know i love to kiss...it is very intimate and fun ;-)

Answer 11

There is definatly something more going on with this lady.
Was she sexually molested as a kid?
Get some counseling from someone who knows about intimacy issues.

I had a bf that rarely kissed and he was wonderful in other ways.....but after the fact I thought gawd how weird was that???
And why did I put up with it? Some things we deeply troubled with him.

If you love her and life is good, you just might want to live with it. that is up to you